19
Mercedes
“How are they?” I ask.
I hear shuffling on the other end of the line before Santi answers distractedly. “They are both doing well. Keeping me busy. Ivy’s rehabilitation is progressing, and she’s improving every day.”
“That’s so great to hear,” I tell him.
The silence on the other end of the line makes me think Santiago doesn’t believe me, and he never will.
“When can I come meet my niece?”
“I don’t know yet.” His tone takes on a hard edge.
I swallow, and it feels like there’s glass lodged in my throat. I get why he’s so protective of them. They’ve been through hell, and part of that is my fault. He’s making it clear it’s not a matter of choosing sides anymore. His loyalty lies with his wife and daughter, and they are his family now.
It fucking hurts, but I get it. Oddly enough, I get it more than he could probably understand at this moment, with a child of my own growing inside me. I will always choose this child above anyone or anything.
“Santi—” My voice fractures, and I try to hold it together. “I know things have been tense. I know I’ve been awful. And you probably won’t believe me when I tell you I regret it, but I do. I want to be a part of your lives. I want to come see you and Ivy, and I want to meet Elena.”
“Mercedes.” He sighs, shuffling the phone again as Elena cries in the background. “I don’t know yet.”
“Please,” I beg. “I need to see you. It’s important.”
I don’t tell him that I want to have a conversation with him about releasing me from Judge’s care because he’ll think that’s my only motivation, and that’s not true. I really do want to meet my niece.
“Let me think about it,” he says.
The crying gets louder, and I can just imagine him picking up his baby daughter, and my heart squeezes at the thought of it. Not only because I’m missing it, but because I never thought I’d see Santi as a father. I never thought I’d see him love the woman he once talked about killing in cold blood. Yet he is.
If I believed in hope, this might have given me some. Because if Santi can fall for his enemy, then surely, Judge can fall for someone he admits he can’t let go of. But I can’t go down that path again. Not now. Maybe not ever. Judge has proven over and over again that the only thing he’s capable of is breaking hearts. Regardless, what he wants doesn’t matter now. It can’t. Not with the decision I made when I failed to swallow what he thought was a mistake.
“Please let me know,” I whisper into the phone. “I really do want to come see her.”
“I’ll let you know,” Santi answers, distracted by his current situation. “I have to go.”
“Okay, I’ll speak to you soon then?”
“Yeah,” he says, and before I can draw another breath, he disconnects the call.
I sit on the bed, staring at the wall. Judge is gone, God knows where, but that would require him sharing his life with me. Since our spat, he’s been wavering between putting distance between us and then acting as if nothing ever happened when he comes to lie beside me at night. Sometimes, his determination wins, and other times, it fails him. When he reaches out to touch me on those nights it fails, I let him. I let him because as much as it hurts, I want it. I know I won’t be able to have it forever, so I take it while I can. I take it before our time is up indefinitely, and he’ll never want to touch me again.
“Mercedes.” Lois knocks on my door, drawing my attention to her. “Solana is here. Would you like me to send her up?”
“Oh, yes, thank you. That would be perfect.”
She nods and retreats, and I use the few moments I have to check my makeup and try to cover up the dark circles beneath my eyes with some powder. But it doesn’t work, and that much is obvious as soon as Solana enters and sees me.
“You look tired.” She frowns.
“That’s because I am.” I laugh hollowly. “I hear that’s a side effect of a tiny life force growing inside you.”
She walks over and gives me a tight squeeze before pulling her messenger bag off her shoulder and setting it on the bed.
“Well, I brought what you needed.” She hands me the pregnancy test and then retrieves a bottle with her shop label on it. “And these aren’t really calming tablets. I just put the label over some prenatal vitamins.”
“You think of everything.” I offer her a watery smile.
“I know.” She returns my smile, but her concern is evident. “Are you okay?”
“I will be,” I answer. “It’s just… a lot.”
“Well, let’s take things one step at a time, shall we?” She grabs my hand and tugs me toward the bathroom. “First step, peeing on a stick.”
Five minutes later, I’m sitting on the edge of the porcelain tub while Solana peers down at the stick resting on the sink.
“Good news or bad news?” she asks.
“Both,” I answer in amusement.
“The good news is I’m going to be the best freaking godmother this kid could ever ask for,” she says proudly. “And the bad news is anyone who ever even thinks of hurting him or her will have to reckon with me.”
I can’t help laughing even as a few tears spill free, and I press my hands to my belly. I already knew it was real, but this confirms it.
“She’s not lying,” I whisper to the baby growing inside me. “But I think you’ll love your crazy aunt Solana.”
“Damn straight they will.” Solana comes to kneel before me, wiping my tears away. “It’s going to be okay. You know that, don’t you? You’ve got me, and you’ve got Georgie, no matter what, always. We are your motherfucking family.”
“I know you are.” I pull her in for a hug, and she squeezes me for a long time.
Finally, after a prolonged pause to let the official news sink in, she comes to sit beside me on the tub. “Are you going to tell him?”
“No.” I shake my head quickly. “He doesn’t want kids. This was my decision, not his. He won’t be happy when he finds out, but I want nothing from him. I won’t ask him for anything. I just want this baby, and he can go on with his life, forgetting either of us exist.”