This cloud of Ryley and EJ looming over us is a different matter. He will never be able to think clearly, to see us as brothers, as long as I’m with Ryley. Leaving her isn’t an option, though. I love her, and I know she loves me. It’s not as straightforward as just packing up and leaving. We’re a family. When I’m home we have routines from grocery shopping, to eating out once a week. Evan wants his family, and I want to keep mine. It’s not going to matter what decision is made, someone is going to get hurt.
As soon as the door shuts, I walk back downstairs. When Ryley asked if she could speak to Evan alone, I couldn’t say no. He’s been back for a month and I’m already imagining the worst happening. I don’t want to think that she cheated, but the thoughts are there. Any man in my position would think the same. I hate that I am, but my gut is telling me she cheated.
Standing in the doorway to the kitchen, Ryley fiddles with the few dishes in the sink. My uneaten sandwich sits on the table, wrapped in plastic wrap and waiting for me to devour it. My stomach growls, but I can’t eat. The thought of food right now makes my stomach twist into knots. My relationship with Ryley is about to be tested and it’s very unsettling.
The urge to go to her, to stand behind her and kiss her neck is as strong as it was before I left. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to act right now. Are we still engaged or did she call that off the minute Evan showed up? Yesterday, I was talking about getting married and hopefully conceiving another child before I deployed, but now I’m not even certain that she wants me to touch her. I’ve always been second to Evan in her eyes; that’s something I’ve accepted. He’s her first true love and nothing ever replaces that.
My steps are cautious and yet calculated as I approach her. She sees me out of the corner of her eye but continues to wash the dishes. I reach around, shutting off the water and encasing her with my arms. I hold her as she sags against me. The first sob breaks my heart and the second shatters it to pieces. Her knees buckle and I guide us to the floor, bringing her onto my lap. Her tears soak my shirt, intensifying the ache I’m already feeling for her.
We’ve been here before, on the kitchen floor with her on my lap. After I was given the news about Evan, I left the base in Afghanistan and came straight to her. Something told me that she’d need me more than my mother would and I was right. Ryley wasn’t just alone after losing Evan, but pregnant as well. No one knew at the time, except for her and Evan... and then me. Ryley hadn’t gotten around to telling anyone in hopes that Evan wouldn’t be gone long. This time it’s different but with the same result, heartbreaking tears over my brother.
Holding her against my chest, my hand rubs up and down her back in an attempt to soothe her. It makes me wonder if she did this with Evan – or even Lois – or if she’s been holding on until I got home. This is a side of Ryley that Evan has never seen. He wasn’t there to pick her up off the bathroom floor after she spent all night crying in there. He wasn’t around to make sure she ate, or went to her doctor’s appointments. He wasn’t pacing the floor, desperate to get into the delivery room with each cry he heard.
That was me.
He would’ve been there for all of those things, given the chance. My brother would not have missed the birth of his son; I know that for a fact. I also know he never did anything to make Ryley cry, nothing intentional at least, and would’ve been the first one to scoop her up in his arms and fix whatever was causing her pain.
I couldn’t do that for her then, and I can’t do that for her now. He’s the cause. It’d be easy for me to remind her that these tears are all because of him, but I can’t. He’s my brother and whether he sees us that way or not, I refuse to badmouth him.
Ryley turns in my arms, her head resting on my shoulder. “He just showed up. I came home from the store, and he was here. He looked the same, he spoke the same, but… remember when I thought I’d see Evan at the beach or coming off base? You’d remind me that he wasn’t coming back, and yet there he was in the flesh. I screamed at him, Nate. I said mean, hurtful things to him when he hadn’t done anything wrong.
“He just stood there, dumbfounded and hurt. That hurt quickly turned to anger when he saw my ring and I told him who it was from. The look in his eyes, it’s something I’ve never seen from him. And then when he asked about EJ, I lost it.”
“What do you mean when he asked about EJ?” I ask, in confusion. Evan knew she was pregnant, but he couldn’t have known his son’s name.
“That’s just it, he knew. He knew everything. Evan had pictures of EJ and me. He had letters from us. Packages from home... None of them died. Him, River, McCoy and Rask were all getting care packages and letters.”
Ryley’s words stun me and as much as I’d like to call bullshit, I know she’s telling the truth. Words rattle around in my brain, but nothing comes out of my mouth. Who would do this to us? To the team? And why?
“Did Evan say where he was?”
Ryley shakes her head. I knew that’d be her answer that he wouldn’t divulge classified information, but I had to ask. Instead of leaning against me, where I’d like her to be, she sits up. Her beautiful face is stained from tears, her gorgeous red hair is falling out of her ponytail and her eyes are puffy and red. It’s been years since I’ve seen her like this. We’ve been happy for so long and for this to happen, while it should be a miracle, is unheard of.
“I love him,” she says, her voice breaking. I knew this was coming I was just hoping that it wouldn’t be today or tomorrow. Can I live with her knowing that she’s in love with Evan? Yes, I know I can because I have been for years... but he wasn’t here then. He is now.
“I know you do.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
My eyes close for fear that I’m going to break down in front of her. She’s only seen me cry a few times and right now doesn’t need to be another. I know what’s coming. I knew the minute I saw them walk in together.
“Ry, I can’t tell you what to do. Hell, I don’t even know what the answer is. Our lives have been rocked by tragedy and we’ve survived so I’m pretty sure we can survive this. Whether it be together or apart, we do it together. But before you make a decision, know how much I love you. Know how much I love EJ.”
I take a deep breath and pull her back into my arms. It may be the last time I get to hold her, although I plan to do everything in my power to ensure that’s not the case. “You and EJ, you’re my world. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. You make me tick. You’re my better half. You give me something to look forward to at the end of the night. You’ve been my rock for as long as I can remember. We’re about to get married and expand our family... none of that has to change. I’ve known for years that you love Evan, and I’ve respected that.”
“It’s different, Nate.”
I know that, but I don’t tell her. I hold her because for all I know she’s going to tell me to pack my shit and leave. That’s not what I want and it’s not what she needs. Being alone with her thoughts is a dangerous thing for her.
“Someone did this to us, Nate. Why would they do this?”
“I don’t know but I promise you I’m going to find out.”
It’s in this moment that I vow to find out how this happened. I don’t know how, but I’m going to. Someone has to pay for what they’ve done to my family. Someone has to answer for what they’ve put Ryley through. Imagining the agony of seeing Evan alive after everything she went through; I can’t even begin to describe how angry it makes me knowing I wasn’t home to help her. Losing my brother was unthinkable, but I have never seen someone break the way she has. When my father died, my mother cried but was stoic. Ryley crumbled. She lost her world and wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out, but she couldn’t. Being pregnant saved her life as far as I’m concerned.
“I don’t want Livvie here,” I blurt out, losing my filter. My sister hasn’t been Ryley’s cheerleader these past few years and the fact that she’s here is rubbing me the wrong way.
“She’s your sister,” Ryley says so quietly that had there been any noise, I wouldn’t have heard her. I pull her a little closer and kiss the top of her head, leaving my nose and mouth pressed there.