I know I have to do better, show her I can be the man she fell in love with, the man she married. I’m hoping to prove to her I can change. It’s going to take some time, I know this, but I have to try.
Ruby spots me first. I press my finger to lips, motioning her to be quiet as I come down the aisle. She turns back around, facing forward. I imagine her legs moving back and forth in rapid succession, and any moment now, Gwen will place her hand on Ruby’s knee to calm her.
The spot next to Gwen is open. I slide in, and she shifts away. I tell myself it’s because she has no idea it’s me, but shouldn’t she know or at least sense me or has she already forgotten me and moved on? That thought makes my stomach turns queasy, and I press my hand over my gut, hoping the sensation goes away quickly.
“Hi.” Gwen’s voice is small, but I hear her clear as day, and that ill feeling is gone. If I ever had any doubt that Gwen is the love of my life, this small moment proved she is.
“Hi, Daddy.” Ruby looks past her mom. I swear she winks, as if she had some scheme going on to get me here.
“What’re you doing here?” Gwen asks.
I shrug. Honestly, if I didn’t have the nightmare, I’m not sure I would be here today, trying to prove to Gwen that I can change. That the love we shared is still there. Thoughts of love bring me back to my conversation with Gabe. I don’t know what it is about that man, but he’s always there when I need to talk to someone. It’s like he appears out of thin air, and he always knows what to say. “I meant what I said the other night. I want my family back.”
“Rory, we talked about this” she mutters and looks away. This isn’t the time or place to have this conversation. I know this. I also know that time is sensitive. I want to spend Christmas with my family. I want to wake up in my bed with my wife next to me as our daughter comes running in, yelling that Santa as come. What I don’t want to worry about is the counterclaim my lawyer is pushing me to sign. Truthfully, I’d love to tell him I sent it to the shredder and it can stay there. However, that all depends on Gwen, and considering the number I’ve done to her emotional state, I have an uphill battle this coming week.
Gwen tenses when I place my hand on hers. The jab goes right to my heart. I deserve it. I don’t want to think about the last time I showed her how much I love her. It’s been years. Years of excuses that have piled up and bridged a gap so wide that her only course of action is to call it quits, while mine is, well I’m not sure what mine is, but it’s going to change. I’m going to change. These two women are what’s most important in my life, and I need to show them.
Pastor John takes his position behind the pulpit. His hands grip the wooden stand as he looks out over his congregation. He starts the morning off by talking about the weather and how dangerously cold it could get. He reminds us to care for those who can’t care for themselves and not to forgot those who have lost their way.
I scan the crowd, looking for Gabe. For all I know, he attends here. The doors have always been open to everyone, but that doesn’t mean everyone comes in. For some it’s hard to overlook the appearance of a homeless person or the fact that they beg for food and money. It’s also hard for me to think that if I hadn’t been looking out the window earlier in the week, I wouldn’t have met Gabe, a man who doesn’t seem to have anything except words of wisdom that have opened my eyes to the kind of man I want to be. The kind of man who puts his family first, who doesn’t break promises, and is present in the lives of his wife and daughter.
The word forgiveness reverberates through the church. It hits home for me. It’s exactly what I need to convince Gwen to do, and I know it’s going to be hard. Pastor John seems to maintain eye contact in our general direction as he continues his sermon. I can’t help but think he’s speaking directly at me. I know it’s ridiculous since the church is packed, but there’s something in his words, almost as if I’m the only one here. Maybe this is his way, God’s way, of telling me that I have to ask for Gwen’s forgiveness. Not only for Gwen and Ruby, but for myself as well.
As soon as the service is over, I stand and exit the pew, holding my arm out for Gwen and Ruby to step in front of me. I’m milking it, I know, but I can’t help it. I place my hand on Gwen’s lower back and mentally prepare for her rejection. When it doesn’t come, I sigh in relief.
No one stops to ask if we’ve reconciled, for which I’m thankful. I need a moment to say my piece to Gwen and beg for a second chance. If that means I get down on my knees, I will. I’ll do anything.
I guide us to the back of the church and down the stairs where refreshments will be set up. Once we’re there, Ruby runs off to sit with her Sunday school group, and I use this opportunity to pull Gwen into one of the corners.
We used to do this, she and I, long ago. Back when we first started dating and I’d come to church with her. After the service, we’d huddle in the corner, stealing kisses, away from the prying eyes of our parents and grandparents. Man, I miss those days. Back then life was simple. You woke up, did your thing, and found your girl when school was over. No stress. No bills. Just life.
“Rory—”
I hold my hand up, asking her to give me a chance to say what I need to. “Do you remember when I was supposed to take Ruby to decorate cookies?” I don’t wait for her to answer before I continue. “That night, I was walking home to get ready for Jerry’s party, and I don’t know, something stopped me and I ended up here. I watched you and saw how unhappy I’m making you.”
Gwen’s hands fidget, and she looks around, likely trying to figure out if people are listening. I don’t care if they are. She needs to know how I feel, and if others hear, maybe they’ll be kind enough to remind her when she sees them.
“I can’t do this here,” she says.
She doesn’t give me a chance to say anything else before she’s walking away. My eyes follow her every move until she disappears behind a door. I turn back to the room and grin, although to others it probably looks like a grimace. It definitely feels like one. Pretending everything’s okay is hard.
Ruby sees me and tries to smile, but her face is sad. Does she know I’m here to win her mother back? That I want to come home and be a family again?
The door Gwen disappeared behind mocks me. I finally decide I’ve had enough and go to it, knocking once before trying the handle. The knob turns easily, and I step inside to find my wife alone in the corner, dabbing her eyes. When she sees me, she turns to face the wall.
“Why are you here, Rory?”
“As in church or this room, Gwen? Both could be answers you may not want to hear.”
Gwen doesn’t turn to look at me, even as I step closer to her. “Both.”
“Well, as far as church goes, I don’t know. I had a nightmare …”
“We all have nightmares, Rory. I’ve been living one.”
“Gwen …”
“And the other reason?”