“I knew mentioning time with Conrad would piss you off. I was simply upset. I'm sorry and I'm fine now. Have you made the call yet?”
“No,” he mumbles while attacking my neck with kisses.
“Why not, Jake?”
He takes a deep breath and looks at me. “I wanted to make sure you were okay before I called.”
I push him off of me and tell him to go make the call. He leaves the room to retrieve his phone, and I hear him pacing.
Vaguely, I hear, “Yes sir. I am going. Thank you sir. Bye, bye.”
Jake returns with a smile on his face. He's so excited about this and so am I. Sitting on the bed, he tells me that it's an intense program where only fifty of the top college players are invited. He'll get up early in the morning and go to sleep late at night, while playing hockey in between. After he has calmed down, he looks over at me.
“What are we going to do today?”
Immediately, I know what he is talking about. Today marks the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. I have been thinking for weeks on what we could do in remembrance and a couple of days ago, I finally had an idea.
Crawling over Jake, I go to find two sheets of paper and two pens in the kitchen. When I return, Jake eyes the supplies and me curiously.
“We are going to each write a letter to our baby, then attach it to a balloon and let it float away to heaven.”
“Are we going to read each other's letters?”
I shake my head. This is our chance to write to our baby on our own. A final goodbye. After handing Jake a piece of paper and a pen, I slide his textbook over for him to write on. Informing Jake that I'll let him know when I'm finished, I leave the room and head to the kitchen, where I sit down and write my letter.
Dear baby,
I sure wish I would have gotten the chance to meet you. I think of you every day and wonder if you would favor me or your dad more. You would have loved your dad. Jake and I would have made sure that you had the best life possible.
Writing this letter is hard for me. I had a really hard time with the miscarriage and accepting the fact that I was never going to meet you. For a while, I thought it was completely my fault. I even blamed your father. Now, I see that no one is to blame for our loss.
Even though I never got the chance to meet you, I love you so much. I wish I could hold you and share you with the world and our family. Drake, your uncle, is amazing. He would protect you just like a big brother would. I'm positive that between him and Jake, you would be a hockey player no matter what.
Oh, how I wish you were here. To be able to hold you in my arms, rock you to sleep, and play with you. To be able to hear you giggle when your dad makes a funny face, cry when you aren't feeling well, and watch as you sleep peacefully.
Your dad means the world to me. I could never do without him. He always tells me that we'll have a family when the time is right. After losing you, I'm worried that the time will never be right. I'm sure if he read this, he would stop reading, give me a kiss, and assure me that everything will work out. He's the sweetest man I've ever met. I just know that he would be a wonderful father. Just for that reason, I wish you could have met him.
This letter is getting a bit long, but I don't want it to end. One year ago today, I lost you forever. Even though I never met you, I felt as if I had. You were with me but for a short amount of time and you taught me so much. You taught me that I can love someone so much that it could never end. You taught me to trust your father completely, although that took me a while to learn. There's one more thing I wish to tell you before I go.
My mom was really good to me at first. Then she changed and wasn't so nice and caring anymore. I just want you to know that I never would have been so cruel to you. If you got in trouble, you may not like me at the moment and you may think I was being unfair and mean. But no matter what could have happened in my life, even if your father and I parted ways, I never would treat you as my mother treated me.
Your father would tell me that I'm being ridiculous to point this out if he were reading this. However, it makes me feel better to say that I would love you no matter what and that I would always treat you with the unconditional love that I have for you.
Your father loves you too. I'm sure he'll tell you that in his letter. I'm not just saying these great things about your father because I love him. I'm saying them because they are true. He would have treasured you and adorn you with affection as he does me. Your father is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can only hope that I don't let him down as I feel I have you. Jake would tell me that I haven't and I know that maybe I haven't let you down. My behavior tells me otherwise.
I promise you this, my precious baby, I will never let you down again. With all my heart, I wish you lots of love and toys in heaven.
Love,
Mom
I fold the paper into a small rectangle, not even bothering to wipe away the tears. Turning in my seat, I see Jake walking out of the bedroom, his letter gripped tightly in his hand, and his eyes swollen red. My heart catches and I hop out of my seat, running over into his arms.
2
Jake
To my son or daughter,