I lower my head as he lifts his chin. The anticipation of his lips on mine is gone when at the last second, something catches his eye on the bench.
“Is that the macadamia-encrusted beef with mash and that sauce I would literally sell my firstborn for?”
“All I can say is it’s lucky you don’t have children. But yes. I can still remember the moan you let out when you had it last time, and I wanted to hear it again.”
When his eyes meet mine again, and he leans in, my breath gets caught in my throat.
I still don’t know what it is about Anders, but he makes my head foggy and clear at the same time.
He puts my life into perspective while turning it into chaos.
He makes me want things I never thought I’d want again. Not since Reed.
I want more of him. All of him.
And I want this to be our life—coming home to him, eating dinner, and going to bed.
“Kiss me already,” I beg.
His mouth meets mine, hungry but soft, demanding yet full of gentleness, and I know deep down that I’m falling for this guy, even though I know the chances of him being there to catch me are slim to none.
I’m grateful he wants to work through his issues so we can have a chance at this thing, but I can’t help thinking he’s still keeping something from me and that his problems cut deeper than he lets on.
But I’m in too deep now. I think I was before all the sex started. Now I’m just holding on, hoping it’ll be me standing beside him in the end without his anxiety trying to push me out of the way to take my place.
Anders pulls back and asks, “Dinner or orgasms first?”
I laugh. “Well, I was thinking …”
“Mmm?”
“If what you did to me last night was amazing, that maybe … more would be good.”
“More?” Anders mocks.
“I want you to tie me down and fuck me,” I blurt.
“And the beef can wait.” Anders takes my hand and leads me to my bedroom.
He spins on me, bringing me against him. It’s all mouth, tongue, and wandering hands as he explores me, but there’s a control to his assault. It feels amazing to have any part of him on my skin, but it’s mechanical.
I want the guy I had last night—the one who gave himself over to me even if I couldn’t run my hands all over him.
“How are you going to take me?” I whisper.
In an instant, Anders’ warmth is gone from my body. “You go jump in the shower while I set something up.”
“Why am I picturing an old torture table for some reason?”
Anders grins. “You’re safe. I left that in my car.”
“Funny.”
“Along with the cuffs yesterday, I bought like … bed restraint things.”
“Is that the official name?”
He spins and pushes me towards the bathroom. “Just go. I’ll be done by the time you get out.”
“Okay, but isn’t showering before sex kinda counter-intuitive?”
“Not if we want to do what I’m planning.” Anders winks, giving me a glimpse of the guy I was with last night.
I want more of him.
It’s hard to shower and not jerk off because the anticipation has me shuddering at the lightest touch. And that’s with my own hand. Even the water beating down on my sensitive skin has me on edge. I hate to see what I’m going to be like when Anders is touching me.
After the world’s shortest shower, I’m clean, hard, and ready to go. I contemplate putting on my underwear or covering up with a towel, but there’s really no point when it’s going to come straight off anyway.
Before I leave the bathroom, I look at myself in the mirror and give myself a pep talk.
Because this isn’t just sex.
It isn’t just bottoming which I haven’t done in a really long time.
It’s bottoming for Anders.
Reed’s off-limits warning hits my ears as if he’s right next to me. The thought that Anders could still be hiding a big part of what happened to him also tries to talk me out of going out there.
I used to think I had the willpower of a saint. Yet, I can’t help but continue this thing with Anders even though, objectively, it’s a bad idea.
What if I do something wrong and he gets scared? What if I don’t like being tied up?
I mean, that blowjob was the best blowjob I’ve ever had, but maybe it’ll be different with sex-sex.
Oh, shit, what if I’m the one to freak out?
I dismiss that thought as fast as it comes. I want this, and we have safe words in place for this reason.
One more deep breath and I leave the bathroom to find Anders holding up a corner of my mattress over his head.
“What are you doing?” I laugh.
“Sooo, this is harder than I thought it was gonna be.” He’s already sweating and breathing hard.