Oh no.
I was going to cry.
Oh no!
I was crying.
Holding on to her and not crying.
Sobbing.
I wasn’t really a crier. I could get teary, but I’d learned to get a lock on it real quick, because Dad hated crying.
But all that had gone on …all that was going on was a lot.
So I was crying.
Then Ryn and Pepper pushed in, held on, and I started crying more.
When I semi got a handle on it, I pulled a little bit away, looked to Lottie and vowed, “I’m not going to miss your shower or your bachelorette party or your wedding.”
“I hope not, seeing as you’re a bridesmaid,” she said.
“I have a fitting to get to,” I mumbled.
“No shit?” she asked.
“I’ll schedule that this week,” I promised.
“Babe, listen to me,” she said, not letting me or the other girls go.
And standing in this huddle with my friends, I listened to her.
“You had big shit happening in your head and you dealt with it how you knew how. You didn’t fuck up. Not with me. You did what you had to do to protect yourself. Now that I know what’s going on, I’m not hurt. I get it. I sort of got it before. So don’t be down on yourself. It is what it is and now it’s something different. And if a friend is any friend at all, they’ll get what it is, and be by your side when you move on to something different.”
The tears started welling; I even felt my lip tremble.
“Oh shit, she’s gonna blow again,” Ryn muttered.
“No, I can get a lock on it,” I said shakily.
“Cry, who cares?” Pepper asked.
“I care, I have to rehearse and you’re already rehearsing. We have jobs to do,” I told her.
“ ‘What a Feeling’ is tonight,” Ryn declared.
I looked to her. “Pardon?”
“Black leotard, black leg warmers, I’m kicking out and pointing to everyone in the crowd with some twirls. It’s gonna be sick.”
“Ohmigod, your ‘What a Feeling’ is gonna rock,” I breathed.
I knew this because I’d seen her rehearse it, standing back in the shadows, where I’d been for ages while I avoided my friends as we all polished our varied routines to start the Revue.
“I know. I’ve been waiting for her to pull out ‘What a Feeling’ since we started,” Pepper said.
“That’s my first dance tonight,” Ryn said, eyes on me. “Ian’s putting me on first. I hope that’s okay with you.”
“Of course it is! You’ll knock their socks off. Tips will be primed for all of us,” I replied.
“Totes,” Pepper agreed.
“Okay, important shit, Axl kissed you?” Lottie asked.
I gave her big eyes.
“Was it hot?” Ryn asked.
I gave her bigger eyes.
“Right on,” Pepper whispered.
“He was really, really mad when Brett showed in the middle of it,” I shared. “Or, at all,” I added.
“I bet,” Ryn muttered.
“I don’t think that’s good. I’ve been, uh … messing with his head for a while,” I admitted.
“Not to give the impression I think messing with a man’s head is okay, but you have your reasons, and they’re not about intentionally jacking him around,” Lottie put in. “And these boys crook a finger and bitches fall at their feet. You don’t appreciate something if you don’t have to work for it. It’s not a bad thing he has to work for it.”
Well then.
That was sure something to think on.
“You fell at Mo’s feet,” Ryn said to Lottie.
“I didn’t. I stalked him across my living room,” Lottie corrected. “But Mo’s different. He’d been jacked around by chicks. It was me that had to do the fixing.”
“Oh, right.” Ryn grinned.
“Is this what bitches do? Stand around in a huddle and talk forfuckin’-ever?” Sylvester called impatiently from behind me.
We broke it off and I turned to him.
“We have stuff to sort, Sly,” I said.
“You also have work to do,” he reminded me.
“You just want to watch us dance,” I accused.
“Well … yeah,” he agreed.
“Right. I got another run-through to do. Then Ryn’s up. Hattie, you’re after. Cool?” Pepper planned.
“I need to get warmed up, so that works for me,” I told her.
Pepper moved to jump back up on the stage.
“You want popcorn, big man?” Ryn teased Sylvester.
“Not right now, maybe later,” Sylvester shot back.
Ryn smiled at him then started walking to the sound board, calling to Pepper, “Cue music!”
“Gotcha!” Pepper called back.
I moved to an open space to start stretching.
Half an hour later, I heard Sly mutter, “Best assignment fuckin’ ever.”
Ryn was doing “What a Feeling.”
And when he said this, I thought it might have been the first time that day, or maybe even that week, it could even be a month …
That I smiled.
CHAPTER SIX
Anytime
HATTIE
The night was over.
Ryn’s “What a Feeling” kicked butt.
Her routine was so dope, the audience was so primed for the rest of us, my tips had topped seven hundred.
I was in the dressing room, showered, had my face washed, was in civvies and ready to roll.