I was stalling; that was part of it. I was worried that this conversation wasn’t going to go very well. That Harper would maintain that Ava was hers and hers alone.
I didn’t know why I thought that. I doubted that Harper had kept Ava from me out of selfish reasons. She probably really didn’t think that I wanted to have kids. I hadn’t thought I did either, after all. And on top of that, she had probably been worried about Ava getting hurt, about me being one of those parents who drift in and out of their kid’s life, unreliable and distant.
I couldn’t exactly blame her. I was still angrier at myself than I was at Harper.
I was on my way back home when I got a text from Harper. Sent out DNA test. That was all it said.
I felt my heart sink. Shit. I’d sent the DNA test in anger, figuring that if she didn’t want me to have any part in Ava’s life, then there were ways that I could force her to let me see my daughter. But I didn’t really plan on suing Harper for custody. I didn’t think it was necessary, first of all. I was pretty sure that Harper and I could come up with some sort of solution, some way to make sure that we both got to have the relationship that we wanted with our daughter.
Things might get messy if Harper and I continued to date and then broke up. But I knew Harper wanted what was best for her daughter, and I liked to think that she would never have gotten involved with me again if she didn’t think that I could be a good influence on Ava.
I started to text a reply, but the things I wanted to say were too complicated. In the end, I finally just dialed her number, waiting with baited breath for her to pick up. “I’m really sorry about the DNA test thing,” I told her immediately. “To be honest, I sent that when I was angry. I had this stupid fear like you might not ever let me around Ava if things weren’t working out between the two of us, and I figured that if you weren’t going to let me near her, I could force you to.”
“You’re suing me for custody is what you’re saying,” Harper said flatly.
“No!” I said quickly. “I did think about it. But I think if you and I just talk, we can figure things out ourselves. Don’t you think so? Everything was working out fine, you and I dating, me getting to see Ava. Things don’t really need to change, do they?”
It wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but I figured it was a good placeholder for now if nothing else. I knew that Harper and I were going to have to do some work on our relationship to get things back to where they had been. We needed to learn to trust one another. I remembered what Nancy had said about telling Harper about my childhood, how that would help foster trust. Maybe that was a good place to start.
But Harper didn’t seem to want any of that. “I don’t think that’s the best idea,” Harper said after a moment, her voice still expressionless.
“What do you mean?” I asked in surprise. I’d expected us to be on the same page. I’d expected that she’d want to talk. Wasn’t that why she had texted me now, after all?
“I mean, I don’t think that’s the best idea, you and I getting back into a relationship,” Harper said. At this point, her voice was positively frosty. “Maybe we just need to try and figure out the co-parenting thing. I’m not going to fight you on that, and I hope it doesn’t come down to something where we need to go to court. But us being together just makes things complicated.”
I was quiet, thinking that over. I knew that what she said was true. I knew that if things didn’t work out between Harper and me, we were going to have to figure this all out all over again, only there would be even more feelings tangled up in it. We probably would have to go to court at that point. But at the same time, I thought it was worth trying. Things had been good between us. We had always connected so well, and I still felt like there was some sort of fate pulling me towards her. How else would we have randomly ended up at the same place at the same time, there in Boston, in buildings that were only a couple of streets apart?
In some strange way, it felt like Harper and I were meant to be.
But I didn’t think that arguing with her about it right now was the best way to solve things. “So can we meet up at some point?” I tried. “We really need to talk.”
“We do,” Harper agreed, sighing. “But I’m really busy at the moment.”
I frowned, wanting to point out that if she could make time for Ava, surely, she could make time to discuss co-parenting our daughter. But again, I didn’t want to push too hard. I didn’t want Harper to get mad at me and try to cut me out entirely. I didn’t want her to disappear again. So I let it slide.
“All right,” I said. “When you have time, give me a call.”
“I will,” Harper said. She hung up without even saying goodbye.
I wanted to march right over there. I had this scene in my head, a big, dramatic Hollywood scene. She’d open the door, and I’d grab her, pull her into my arms, and kiss her hard. I’d remind her how good we were together. Remind her that this could work out between us. She just needed to trust me.
But I knew things didn’t work that way in real life.
Instead, I stopped off at a flower place on the way home. I looked through the selection. Something exotic for Harper, something pretty for Ava. That’s what I wanted to send. They both deserved to get good things in the mail.
“Did you want to put something on the card?” the florist asked me as I paid for the bouquets.
I thought about it for a moment. There were so many things that I wanted to say to Harper. But the things that I most wanted to say were things that needed to be said in person. And even of those things, there were a number of them that I just plain wasn’t ready to admit yet. I definitely wasn’t ready to write them down on a card.
I shook my head. “Just send them like this,” I said. “She’ll know who they’re from.”
“Okay,” said the florist, giving me a disbelieving look. But she didn’t press it. I paid and left.
33
Harper
Tuesday morning, I finally had something to take my mind off everything with Ace. I was really excited to cover this story, one about a group of local politicians and some legislation that they were trying to push through. It was probably the biggest story I’d been handed since Ava was born, and I was excited to go do my interviews.