“Good,” Harper said, giving me a small smile.
The whole scene felt almost surreal. Domestic. And the strange thing was, I felt as though I belonged there, in that scene.
Actually, the strangest thing was that I didn’t feel any of the panic that I might have expected. I didn’t have the sudden terror that I was going to turn into my father, that I would fly off into a rage and do things that I would regret later on. Everything was peaceful.
I filed that away for my next therapy appointment. Maybe we were making progress, or maybe I’d been worrying unnecessarily. I had to figure out what all of it meant, though.
But for now, I was just glad to be here, with the two of them, sipping on soup.
25
Harper
I still couldn’t believe that Ace had shown up at my front door. I kept thinking back through what I had said over the phone. Had I sounded that desperate for help? I wanted to think that I could handle all of this. I had been doing it for years now. But I had spent the day worrying about Ava and worrying about how I was going to get my work finished for the day. And feeling miserable with each new text from Ace.
I knew that I had to break it off with him. But today, I just couldn’t do it.
And I especially couldn’t do it now. His appearance had been so unexpected. And he’d brought soup and juice and crackers and everything that I might need for Ava. I’d wanted to stop at the store on the way home from the doctor’s, but Ava had been feeling really sick in the car, and I’d decided against it. It was as though Ace had somehow known that.
Ava finished her soup, and I gave her one final dose of medicine. “What do you think, little one, is it time for bed?” I asked.
Ava nodded, burrowing her head against my neck. Her fever wasn’t quite as high as it had been before, but I was still worried about her. Even though the doctor seemed to think there was no reason to be. But that was always the way it was. Ava was my whole world. I couldn’t bear the thought of something bad happening to her.
I carried her into her room and laid her down on her bed, covering her with blankets. I jingled the bell next to her bed, reminding her that it was there. “If you need anything, all you have to do is ring the bell.”
“I know,” Ava said sleepily. She yawned, and I had to smile.
I bent down to kiss her forehead. “Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite.”
She giggled and curled around her favorite stuffed dog.
I breathed a sigh of relief and went back to the kitchen to thank Ace and send him home. I couldn’t handle breaking things off with him right now, not when I was tired and stressed, and not when he was being so nice to me. But I knew that the longer he stayed there, the more I was going to keep thinking about what a great guy he was.
When I walked into the kitchen, he was doing dishes, putting them on the rack to dry off. I leaned against the doorframe, watching him. Before I could think about what I was saying, I burst out, “For someone who never wanted kids or a family, you’d make a damn fine dad.” I clapped a hand over my mouth the moment my brain caught up to me.
But there was no taking the words back now.
Ace looked mildly over at me and shrugged. “I really was just trying to help you out.” He paused. “I know we agreed that we’d take things slow, and I hope you don’t think that I overstepped. I just thought that if you were my girlfriend, I’d come over to take care of you, so I didn’t see why it was any different if Ava was sick.”
I frowned, tossing those words over in my head. Was he trying to tell me that he still wasn’t interested in having kids, that he wasn’t really there for Ava? That no matter how nice he had been to her, it was just because he wanted to keep sleeping with me?
Or was I reading too much into it?
I rubbed at my temples, wondering if maybe I had caught Ava’s bug. “Thanks for your help,” I said.
“Of course,” Ace said, coming over and wrapping his arms around me. “Are you doing okay, Mama?”
“Yeah,” I sighed, leaning into him. “It’s just stressful when Ava gets sick. I know it’s nothing big. The doctor wasn’t worried at all. But I still can’t help worrying.”
“She’s your daughter,” Ace said.
I wanted to say something then. Something like, “she’s your daughter too,” but the timing still wasn’t right. And after everything with Ava that day, I didn’t want to deal with the Ace situation on top of that. Instead, I just wanted this, for him to hold me. And maybe…
I could feel my body reacting to his. No doubt in part because the previous night’s mutual masturbation session had been good, but it hadn’t been what either of us really needed. I swallowed hard. Before I could even think about having sex with him, I needed to take a shower.
Only there my mind went, thinking of him joining me there in the shower. I could picture the water droplets slipping over his body, could imagine the way it would feel for our skin to glide against each other’s, lubricated by the water between us.
I quickly took a step away from Ace, glancing guiltily toward Ava’s room. But with the combination of sickness and meds, she would be passed out for a while, probably. And I really did need that shower.