I swallowed hard, thinking about her in the shower, water sliding over her naked form, dripping down off her breasts and streaking toward her navel.
She gave me a knowing look as she took a sip of her beer, and I knew she knew exactly what I was thinking about at that moment. But she didn’t seem to care.
I had to look away first, my eyes restlessly scanning the bar. This couldn’t work out between us. I remembered what my therapist had said about going with the flow and just taking things as they came, but this was one thing that I definitely couldn’t take. I couldn’t start a relationship with Harper. I just couldn’t.
But man, I wished I could.
13
Harper
Catching up with Ace felt really weird. But curiously normal as well. Almost like when we’d hang out at the canteen in the desert. It was surprisingly easy to chat with him. I’d expected things to be more awkward. I’d expected him to ask more of the personal questions about Ava and life as a single mother and maybe even something like what had happened to Ava’s father.
But instead, he didn’t ask any of those questions, letting me decide how much I wanted to say to him. I appreciated that.
I still wasn’t ready to tell him the truth, that Ava was his daughter. I was starting to think that maybe I would, eventually. Especially when he talked about staying there in Boston for the foreseeable future. He seemed simultaneously so much like the guy that I’d known in Kuwait but also so different. Very adult, very put together.
I almost wondered if maybe his stance on children had changed. I wished there was some way I could ask him that, without it coming off as though I was pressuring him to make a decision on me, on us, right away. The only thing I could think was to bring up that question from before, about what he saw his future being like once he left the service. But I was still miffed on that one.
That was the big question I couldn’t ask him: why had he left the service? The closest I could come to it was asking why he had chosen to settle down there in Boston. His answer to that question had seemed guarded as well, like there was something more he wasn’t telling me.
I started to wonder if maybe he really was there just for me. But that was silly. We hadn’t been in touch in years.
“Do you want another drink?” Ace asked, nodding toward my empty bottle.
I blinked down. I’d been so caught up in our conversation that I hadn’t even realized it was empty. I looked at my watch. Maisie was happy to watch Ava until whenever I got back, but I didn’t want to keep her there too late. I really appreciated everything that she did for us. But it was still early.
“You know what?” I said, smiling slowly at Ace. “Yeah. I’d like another drink.”
He smiled back at me and went over to the bar to order. A few minutes later, he was back with
two more beers, sliding one in front of me. “So what’s the best story you’ve written since Kuwait?” he asked.
I frowned, thinking about it. Then, I smiled and started answering him. It was nice just having someone to talk to like this. I mean, I had Maisie. She and I talked all the time. But she and I usually talked about Ava. And Mom and I usually talked mostly about Ava. And there was a limit to the types of conversations I could have with Ava.
I hadn’t realized how much I needed this, someone I could talk to about things that had nothing to do with Ava. It was really nice.
We ended up closing down the bar like that, just catching up. So much for getting back early to relieve Maisie of her babysitting duties, I thought, only feeling a small flicker of guilt, though. I’d just have to do something nice for her on my next day off. Bake some brownies or something. Ava would love to help me with that.
Ace and I were the last two people to spill out into the night, and I couldn’t help giggling with the absurdity of it all. I’d never expected to see Ace again, and yet here he was. And I was enjoying myself far more than I could have expected.
Ace smiled down at me as well, his arm brushing against mine as we walked home.
“Thanks,” he said seriously. “For agreeing to meet up with me again.”
“This was fun,” I said honestly.
We walked the rest of the way to my house in companionable silence, both lost in our thoughts. I couldn’t help thinking about how I wanted this night to end. There was definitely a part of me that wanted to say fuck it and invite him in. But I knew that would lead to so many complications.
I still didn’t know what he was thinking with regards to Ava. Her name had hardly come up at all over the course of the evening, and even though I wanted to think that if he was here, maybe he was okay with the idea of having children, someday. There was still a difference between that and letting him know he already had a child, the most perfect three-year-old that you could ever meet.
And I still wasn’t ready to tell him the truth about Ava. I still wasn’t sure the best way to broach the subject of her paternity. And I was scared to find out how Ace would react. What if he was mad at me for not telling him sooner? Or what if he got angry and left? What if he didn’t want to know her at all?
I definitely couldn’t sleep with him until after I’d told him the truth about Ava.
Anyway, there were other complications. There was Ava, inside, probably asleep by now. What if she came into my room in the middle of the night and encountered Ace? Or what if Ace and I started to spend more time together and she started to think of him as her daddy? What if then things didn’t work out between Ace and me?
I wasn’t ready to tackle all of those responsibilities just yet.