And that’s when it hit me.
That’s when I knew.
The stubble on his chin—the aqua glow that surrounded him—he’d bumped up, surpassed me.
He’d turned fifteen—while I was still twelve.
“It’s not fair!” I cried, my face a raging mess of crystalline tears and red cheeks, the reflection vanishing the second the prop guys shot me a worried look and hurried away.
“I’m the one who does all the hard work! I’m the one who at least tried to convince Satchel to stop weaving nightmares! I put myself at great risk—while you—you—” I could barely stand to say it, but I made myself anyway. “While you lounged around in a garden, reading poetry to your girlfriend!” I shook my head, my throat so hot and tight I had to force the words to come. “So tell me, oh mighty guide of mine, tell me, how is that fair?”
Instead of answering, Bodhi stepped away. Taking Buttercup with him, trying to give me some space. Then, once I’d calmed down enough, he circled back and said, “The glow isn’t solely determined by what you do, Riley.” His gaze fixed on mine, and there wasn’t a trace of triumph in it—at least I could be happy for that. “It’s not about what you accomplish. It’s never been about that—I thought you understood?”
“Then what is it about?” I said, my tone striving for venom, but landing on weak and pathetic.
“It’s about what you learn while you’re doing it. And, I hate to say it, but you’ve failed to learn one of the most important lessons of all.”
I sank to my knees, hiding my face in Buttercup’s neck. Overcome with embarrassment and shame, regretting my outburst in a very big way. It was the immature reaction of someone much closer to ten than the age I wanted to be—I’d done the opposite of what Balthazar had told me.
Instead of channeling my fire and passion and determination—I’d succumbed to them. I’d let my emotions control me. I guess understanding the concept and acting on the concept were two different things. Clearly I wasn’t thirteen, because I was neither worthy nor ready.
“For someone who’s so wrapped up in appearances, and don’t even try to deny it, because you know you judge people by the way they look all the time—what is it you called me when we first met?” He looked at me, wanting me to say it, wanting me to engage in some way. Wanting me to admit that, yeah, I did, and sometimes still do, refer to him as dorky guy. But I refused. I didn’t want to play. I wanted it to end. I wanted the whole humiliating talk to be over and done with so I could be on my way.
“Anyway, I think we both know what you called me, the point is—” He paused in a way that told me this next part was important, something he really wanted me to think about. “The thing that you really need to know is that appearances are really just manifestations of how we see ourselves.”
Huh?
I snuck a peek at him. He had my full attention.
“Thoughts create, right?” He waited for me to nod, to acknowledge him in some way, so I did. “And so, with that in mind, the way you see yourself, well, it has a direct effect on what you become, and how others see you.”
I squinted, not entirely getting it.
“Take Aurora, for example. Aurora sees herself as not just a member of humanity—but as a part of all humanity. She sees absolutely no divide whatsoever, no boundary of any kind, between herself and everyone else. That’s why you see the beauty of everything when you look at her. Her complexion is a mix of all the complexions, and her hair is the same, the way it transitions through the entire color spectrum and back again. But Riley, you’re so stuck on being eternally twelve—as you choose to call it—you’re so stuck in your anger, you’re so determined to find a shortcut to
get around it—that, in the end, you’re just dooming yourself. By obsessing over it, you’re keeping yourself stuck right where you are. The thing is, if you want to grow up, well, then you have to start seeing yourself as grown up. And, no offense, but you’ll need to start acting like a grown-up too. Which means no more outbursts or tantrums. The bottom line is, if anyone’s holding you back, Riley, it’s you.”
Ouch.
I’m not gonna lie, the words stung in a really big way. They also left me feeling really embarrassed, mortified, and ashamed—mostly because I could recognize the truth when it was jumping up and down and waving before me.
“You can’t force it, Riley. You can’t achieve it in the way you’ve been trying. In the Here & Now, there are no birthdays—you mature when you’re ready.”
I sighed. It’s pretty much exactly what Ever said during the dream, still I looked at him and said, “But you once told me that if I keep up the good work, then I’ll be able to transcend level one-point-five in no time! Was that another lie too?”
“No.” He shook his head. “It wasn’t a lie. That was and is one hundred percent true. But the thing is, you used to care about the souls you crossed over. You may have put yourself at risk, you may have gone off on your own despite my warning you not to, but the Council was willing to overlook all of that because it was clear that you truly cared about seeing those poor souls move on. And while I’m sure you eventually started to care about Satchel too, if for no other reason than his story is pretty dang sad, I think we both know you were mostly in it for what you thought it would get you. Your motivation was selfish, Riley, and I’m sorry, but there’s no reward for that.”
I stared at my feet, remembering just what had sparked the whole thing. Not having any friends, seeing him with Jasmine—it didn’t seem selfish on the surface, but Bodhi was right. I’d only tried to help Satchel to benefit me.
“So that’s why my glow dimmed?” I asked. I looked at him, my face clean and clear of all anger.
Bodhi dug his hands into his pockets, looking at me when he said, “It’s the same as turning thirteen. It’s not about achieving—it’s about learning. You always see yourself as separate, like it’s you versus everyone else, and everyone else better watch out because you have something to prove. But the thing is, we don’t act alone Here, Riley. We work as a team—a community. A community you haven’t even tried to be a part of because you’re too busy looking for shortcuts and glory. And while your glow getting dimmer is not quite the punishment you see it as, mostly because there is no punishment Here, I’m sorry to say that, yes, your actions have caused your glow to regress. Though that’s not to say that you can’t get your glow on again.”
My body went shaky, my eyes started to sting, but instead of crying like a big, fat baby, I gave Buttercup a good, tight squeeze and then I let him go free.
Making my way toward the gate once again, when Bodhi reached out to slow me. The feel of his fingers causing my whole body to tremble, making me feel all weird, like I had when I saw him with Jasmine.
“Riley—uh, I think there’s more we need to discuss …”