Leo stood up, still laughing. “Relax, Lala, no need to shit yourself again.”
“What if my job finds out? What if I get fired? What if the school finds out? And they kick me out?”
He raised his eyebrows with an amused expression. “We don’t even know why he’s here.”
“Why else would he be here, genius? Oh my God!” I grabbed my face. My skin was getting clammy, and my body was slightly shaking. “They’re going to ask me to bend over and cough and no one has ever seen my butthole, Leo!”
“Really?” He jerked back. “Never? Not even to lick—”
“That’s where your mind goes at a time like this?”
“I mean it’s a fair question.”
“Not right now!”
The sound of the officer shutting his door echoed through the wind.
“Lala.” He grabbed my arms. “Take a deep breath. I promise you’re going to look back on this moment and laugh.”
I didn’t pay him any attention, the officer’s footsteps were fast approaching, and right when he came into my line of sight, I turned away from Leo and sang like a fucking canary, “I swear on my momma’s life, officer! I didn’t do anything wrong!” I sternly pointed at Leo. “It was his idea to break into the lake!”
His eyes widened. “You snitch! Like I could drag you over the fence!”
“I told him, officer, I swear to God I warned him that we were going to get in trouble, but he never listens to me. Even when we were kids, nope, never! He always did what he wanted. You can even ask his mom and dad! He’s as stubborn as a bull that man. I didn’t want to do it.” I was nervous which meant I couldn’t control my mouth, it was a severe case of word vomit.
“He made me! And he almost made me poop my pants! Do you know how embarrassing that is? I think I might have PTSD! But you know what? I didn’t do it! I held it in even though my stomach was on fire, even though it was cramping to the point of pain, kind of like it is right now.”
“Yeah, Shitty McGee, why don’t you tell him what you did to the door?”
I gasped. My appalled stare went from Leo, back to the officer who was standing there just intently listening to me. There was no indication of how he felt. I couldn’t tell if he was going to let us go or arrest us. So I kept going, in hopes that he would change his mind and take mercy on me.
Praying, I wouldn’t number two myself this time.
“I’ve never broken the law before,” I went on. “I swear it! My cousin once stole lipstick from the Piggly Wiggly Mart and I went back and paid for it. In fifth grade, my teacher accidentally gave me an A on the spelling test but when I looked through my answers, I saw that one was marked right when it was wrong, and I went right to her desk to tell her. I have a ton of situations where I have done the right thing, I’m as honest as they come, I promise.”
“Hey, Poopy Pants, why don’t you quit while you’re ahead?”
I couldn’t control my nervousness and my belly grumbled, aching.
At least I think it was…
“Since we’re not entirely sure what end that came out of,” Leo countered, standing in front of me. Shielding my body with his. “Allow me to take over.” He looked at the officer. “What my turd burglar best friend is trying to say is she’s leaving Tennessee tomorrow to move to the Virgin Islands. My plan was to show her all our exciting firsts together. Four years ago, we went to that lake to open our college acceptance letters. We didn’t know the lake was now boarded up, but since it was already part of my plan, I told her to break and enter with me.”
I didn’t know whether to smile or cry. He was actually taking the fall for me.
“I didn’t know it would lead to her losing control of her bowels, kind of like she is right now with her mouth. The bathroom door was locked, and despite me telling her to just go in the lake, she refused and turned into a karate kid, busting open the door.”
I bowed my head. I was so ashamed.
Damn you stomach, damn you.
“I will pay for the fines, it wasn’t her fault. It was all my idea. I take full responsibility.”
I profoundly sighed, I couldn’t allow him to take all the fall. Stepping to the side of him, I grabbed his hand in mine.
“Officer, I’m a grown adult and I chose to break the law with him. I stand by my decision and I will go peacefully to jail. But first, can I please use the restroom?”