“Seven and a quarter,” Ash replied, also in a British accent. Laughter flowed through both of their voices.
“I think we have that,” Connor replied, the helpful shop assistant. Then they both broke into hysterics, cracking up like school boys.
“Aw, man,” Ash said. “Spinal Tap. Always so good.”
“The best.”
Spinal Tap? I had no idea what they were talking about. Maybe they were quoting a movie or something. But I did know what they were doing. They were making fun of me, and the kind of life Ash would live if he were to choose to be with me.
“Good to have you back,” Connor said, full of feeling.
“Good to be back,” Ash agreed. My heart sank straight down to somewhere below the floorboards.
Connor continued in a whisper, but I still heard it. “I think she went to bed at six o’clock last night.”
Ash chuckled. “No, it wasn’t that bad.” But his laugh said otherwise. He thought I was ridiculous, laughably lame.
“Seriously,” Connor insisted. “The sun had yet to set.”
“C’mon now.” More laughing.
“Hey, how about the tits on Kristie?” I knew I should leave. I didn’t want to hear Connor ask about some woman’s breasts, and I definitely didn’t want to hear Ash’s response. But somewhere along the way I’d lost my power to move. I stood, stone still, engulfed with shame and sadness.
“Was that her name?” Ash asked. “I thought it was Stacie?”
“Does it matter?”
More laughter. I winced and wished I could vanish, somehow transport myself right out of that cabin Harry Potter-style. But when I opened my eyes, I was still just a Harry-Potter-loving nerdy librarian standing in the hallway overhearing people make fun of her. Still overhearing things I shouldn’t.
“So you’re heading back to S.F.?”
“Yeah, I guess.” Ash sounded reluctant.
“Leaving at the crack ‘o dawn today? That’s in about an hour.”
Ash groaned, “Shit.”
“Right?”
“That’s not gonna happen.”
“Ooh, the librarian’s gonna be pissed.”
“Shut it,” Ash responded, but he was laughing as he said it.
“You’re gonna be in trouble!”
More laughter, more muffled giggling. They were talking about me like I was the school principal. The buzzkill.
“You’re my boy, Blue,” Connor declared. I heard some scuffling and I could picture a sort of chummy wrestle/hug. The kind of thing guys did to express affection without really engaging in a warm embrace.
“Good to have you back,” Connor said.
“Yeah, sorry I’ve been—”
“Such a wanker?”
“That’s not exactly what I was going to—”
“A pansy? An asswipe?” Conner had a full supply of insults. Was I the only one who could hear how angry he was at Ash? I could hear such jealousy and venom in his joking tone.
“Thanks for that.” But Ash still sounded like he was laughing.
“OK, how about MIA?”
“Yeah,” Ash agreed. “Sorry I’ve been MIA. This whole Mandy Monroe bullshit has been driving me crazy.”
“Mandy set you up.”
“She did. And now Lola’s been all up my ass.”
“Bitch be crazy.”
“Bitch be crazy,” Ash agreed, throwing his PR rep right under the bus. “She’s had me on this tight schedule.”
“With the ball and chain.”
Ouch. I winced again, standing alone in the hall. But Ash agreed without missing a beat and kept right on complaining. About me. “It’s been rough. We’re here. We’re there. Got to get all the right shots from all the right angles. It’s sucked.”
Oh shit. I now wished more than anything that I hadn’t gotten out of bed. Or at least I wished I’d knocked over a lamp or something in the living room when I’d walked through it. That would have alerted them to my presence and they wouldn’t have started having this conversation. I wished I were anywhere other than standing there hearing Ash describe the last three weeks with me as rough. While I’d been looking at him with stardust in my eyes, apparently he’d been counting the minutes until it was over because it sucked so much.
“It’s almost over now.” Connor comforted him.
“Yeah.”
“I’ll drink to that.”
The clink of their glasses, toasting to the end of me, set me in motion. I regained the ability to move and tiptoed over to the bedroom again, closing the door without discovery. I walked back to the bed, climbed back in under the covers and shut my eyes. Maybe I could pretend the whole thing hadn’t happened? Like it had just been a bad dream.
But then I opened my eyes and still I knew, I’d heard it. I’d heard every word. There couldn’t be any misunderstanding here. He actually had been standing in the kitchen having a heart-to-heart with his oldest, closest friend about how he really felt.
So now I knew. Ash was happy that this farce with me was almost over. And it really was almost over. The clock was ticking. According to the original agreement, I was supposed to break up with him after a month. It would be exactly four weeks on Saturday. Today it was Monday. No, sorry, Tuesday very early in the morning. So we really just had a handful of days left. And he felt relieved and grateful that he had so little time left with the ball and chain.
I felt like I’d gotten kicked right in the gut, all the wind knocked out of me. It was almost hard to breathe, but I focused on that, just that, closing my eyes and telling myself everything was going to be OK. This was the worst of it, right now. This was the bottom, scraping down so low you wondered how you’d ever swing back up again.
It hurt so bad. I’d felt so close with Ash, as if we’d stripped everything away there in that cabin, just the two of us. It had felt so real, as if I’d gotten to know the real man behind all the stardom and celebrity. Hadn’t I just told him that last night? But, come to think of it
, it was me telling him. He hadn’t said the same to me. Or confirmed he felt the same way.
The past few weeks had been like a fantasy, and I guessed that was just what they were. That was all they were ever supposed to be. I’d signed a contract agreeing to it. I guessed that was why we should have stuck to the no-sex clause. If we hadn’t gotten in so deep together, I probably wouldn’t feel like vomiting right now. If I hadn’t given myself to him so completely, I might not feel like I’d just had my insides scooped out with a melon-baller.
I’d never fallen for anyone the way I had for Ash. I’d tumbled head-over-heels in that mad, raving way you read about. I’d lost my mind and heart. When he touched me, I felt it though my whole body. And it wasn’t real. As many times as I’d tried to remind myself of that fact, it had gotten away from me. I’d tried to keep my guard up, protect myself, remember he was a player and we lived in separate worlds. But I’d failed. I’d fallen for him completely, and now I felt myself falling and falling further and further down with that sickening, lurching feeling low in my stomach.
He wouldn’t be there to catch me. Worse still, he might come in here in the bedroom and act like nothing was wrong. He might climb into bed, pull me into his arms and try to make love to me. Oh God, I still had to share a whole car ride back to S.F. with him. How was I going to do that?
At least I hadn’t told him I loved him. I’d realized it, but I’d kept it locked in my heart. Where it would stay, and hopefully dissipate over time. Because even though I’d heard him talking shit about me, I couldn’t rouse myself into hating him. That would have been easier. It would have been a lot easier to just flip the switch and feel angry over having been tricked and betrayed.
But lying there in the dark, I just felt awful. Tears spilled out of the corners of my eyes, though I tried to stop them, snuffling under the covers. The last thing I wanted was to be there in the dark, pathetic and crying, should Ash walk right through the door. I needed to pull my shit together. I needed to erect a facade, somehow adopt a poker face, and play this out for a little while longer.