She belched, walked up to him wiping the snot and other debris off her face, and stared at him. “Ugh?” What?
“Uh, Zag whun ag Lana ooh ramma lamma ding dong.” You figure it out.
“Fug oof!” Who me?
“Uhn wanna kis buggun gazongas!” Yes!
The date was set.
Zag could hardly wait, but he managed somehow. He wanted to have the whole night planned out.
He was still a little nervous because he’d never been with a woman. He’d groped a few who were bent over at the lake washing clothes, and he’d had a couple of affairs with the goats on the hill, but never with someone he’d known.
On the morning of their date, he kept himself busy doing his chores around the cave. He swept the rat turds out, wiping off the table scraps and hitting his bedclothes with a bone to get all the dirt, food and crap stains out of it. Now the cave was clean and it was time for Zag to work on himself.
He jumped into the lake to take his bath, even though it wasn’t spring yet. As the fish started floating to the surface, he grabbed a few to eat later. For good measure, he even washed his loincloth on a rock to get rid of the foul smell. He wasn’t sure if it was the cloth or him that stunk so badly.
Going back into the cave, he tried to pull all the knots out of his hair and put on some new cologne. It was called Raptor Sweat and his buddy Frap told him it drove women crazy. Damn. It stunk like shit.
Zag walked up to Lana’s cave to get her and found himself in awe of her beauty. She was standing in front of the cave pulling her cloth out of her butt again.
He stood there staring at her. What a beautiful woman she was.
He grabbed her sticky hand and they left. The sky was full of stars and the pterodactyls were hovering overhead. Zag glanced over at Lana and noticed how the moon cast a glow across her face, illuminating her features.
Her matted hair, protruding pimple-infested forehead, the incredible amount of hair on her single eyebrow and mustache…her big nose that she seemed to be constantly picking and eating out of, and the chapped lips that Zag couldn’t wait to kiss. There was debris still stuck on her face. She had rotted teeth, bad breath, a dirty cloth, knobby knees, and long discolored toenails.
His heart was aflutter. What a chump.
Walking up to the bar together, they found there was a long line since it was a weekend and this was the only place to go. But when the crowd saw them, they dispersed quickly? it was more like running for their lives.
The waiter covered his eyes and led them to their table by the window so the sight or stench wouldn’t scare everyone else away. Zag was so proud to be out with someone, even if it was Lana.
“Numma Num?” Are you hungry?
“Braap.” I’m starved.
“Zag wanna pakka pak Numma Num.” I’ll order for you.
“Ugh.” We’ll have two orders of the raptor paté, some bronto ribs cooked well done and a bottle of your best boar wine, if it’s fresh.
The dance floor cleared when they decided to strut their stuff.
Lana just stood there pulling her cloth out of her butt again and picking her nose. Zag, of course, had to show off. He waved his arms uncontrollably, running in a circle around Lana while grunting and panting. The other people didn’t know if he was having a seizure or doing some sick demented mating dance, it was that weird.
Then it happened. Something Zag had never seen from Lana. A smile.
The rotting smell and the chips of plaque falling out were pretty gross, but Zag felt so good—it was a magic moment.
The meal finally came, late, since they had to squeeze the wine out of the boar. It was still warm and not too bitter. Zag tucked a napkin into his cloth and grabbed his stick to eat, looking up just in time to see Lana dive face first into the bowl of raptor paté while chewing on a couple of ribs and sloshing down a full bottle of boar wine.
Suddenly Zag wasn’t hungry anymore. Lana grabbed his bowl and smashed it onto her face, licking all the remaining food off the bowl. Then she leaned over and fired off a loud echoing fart that seemed to last forever. She accentuated it with a louder, wet, splattering belch.
Zag was so proud of her. She looked up and smiled with shit stuck all over her face. Actually raptor paté is shit, only cooked. A delicacy in most villages, cooked raptor pate’ is raptor shit, it obviously had never tasted so delicious.
“Grunt?” Check?
As they walked home, the two lovebirds couldn’t help but laugh. They had had so much fun. Zag couldn’t control his urges anymore. He ran behind a tree and took a leak.