Bianca laid her head back against the headboard. She had no idea he felt that way and hearing it now caused her to second guess the timing of this pregnancy. He would be angry and think she did it on purpose to replace the baby they lost. Bianca suddenly felt sick to her stomach and it wasn’t from the pregnancy. Why not let him go now and let him be happy with someone else? He obviously wasn’t happy with her and if he found out she was pregnant again he would try to make it work because he was a good guy.
Sighing, Bianca began, trying to keep the tears from her voice, “Alex, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were feeling that way. You never told me and you could have. I don’t know what else to say.” She stopped, clearing her throat to break up the lump that gathered there, “If you want a break from me, from us, I’ll und
erstand.”
Silence greeted her on the other end and she almost wondered if the phone had disconnected.
“If that’s what you want, Bianca then I don’t see any other reason to stick around,” he muttered softly, sounding defeated.
Bianca almost yelled at him, that no, she didn’t want that, but it was better this way. He would go on to find someone who made him happy not lonely and lied to.
“Goodbye, Alex,” Bianca croaked, stifling a sob.
“Goodbye, Bianca, “Alex all but whispered.
The line went dead and Bianca laid down on the bed, still clutching the phone to her chest. Just when she thought they were finally going to be happy and have a family she had to go and ruin the one good thing that ever came her way.
*****
Alex hung up the phone and almost threw it against the wall of his apartment. What the hell just happened? Did they break up? Running a hand over his face, the stubble rasping against his hand, Alex wondered why he even agreed to let Bianca call it quits. One minute he was running around frantic trying to find her and the next it was over. But why? He only half meant what he said to her. The miscarriage did break him down but despite her pulling away at first, it seemed she was trying harder to be her normal self. The last few days were weird though and it seemed like he was losing her all over again. The thought that she was with someone else made Alex want to smash a hole in the wall. Why else would she lie to him about where she was? Why else would she be acting so strangely?
Alex began to pace around the room, feeling like a caged animal. He wanted Bianca, that was for damn sure, but did she still want him? He would get to the bottom of this one way or another, even if it meant losing her forever. Maybe it was for the better. Alex shook his head. No, Bianca was the only woman he wanted but how did he mend what he just broke?
*****
Bianca woke up, the sun shining in her eyes through the window, and frowned when she remembered what had happened the night before. Her head was pounding and she knew it must be from crying off and on all night. Sitting up, she winced, her head not wanting her to move. Placing a hand over her eyes, she flopped back down. Why get up anyway? It’s not like she had anything to do. School was out for winter break and her class semester had ended. All she wanted to do was lie in bed and mope. Thinking about Alex again, Bianca sucked in a breath, trying not to cry. She was sure her head would explode if she did. Finally managing to force herself from bed, Bianca swallowed two Tylenol with a coffee chaser and then curled on the couch with the remote. She aimlessly flipped through the channels until she found a mind numbing romance movie about Christmas and settled back to watch it. After about thirty minutes her head began to droop, and fearing she’d spill coffee all over her light colored carpets she set it down and reclined on the couch, tucking the blanket under her chin. Within minutes she was asleep, the Christmas program forgotten.
When Bianca woke, the TV was off and her coffee cup removed from the side table. An eerie feeling of not being alone crept over her and she jumped from the couch when she heard footsteps in the kitchen.
“It’s okay, Bianca it’s just me,” Alex said, walking in from the kitchen.
“Alex? What are you doing here?” Bianca asked with confusion. Was last night all a dream?
A shadow of regret passed over Alex’s face but then was gone in an instant. “I came to check on you. After last night…” He trailed off.
“Oh. Thanks. I’m okay, really. I’m sorry to have put you through so much upset. I didn’t know you would be so angry.” Bianca apologized.
Seeing him was making her insides hurt. She wanted him to leave so that she could move on without him, just her and the baby. There was no reason to put him through any more traumas and Bianca was being selfish thinking that maybe she could fix what she broke in the first place. If only she didn’t lose the other baby… No, she wouldn’t go down that road again. What was done, was done. She couldn’t change it and neither could Alex, but what she could do was protect him. He wasn’t happy with her, he said it himself, so why was he here?
Alex nodded at her response and headed towards the door. The last two days were so strange and Bianca wished it was a dream she could wake up from.
“Okay then,” he said, pulling the door open.
“I’m sorry, Alex,” Bianca said as he walked out and closed the door behind him.
Despite her best efforts to maintain her composure, Bianca crumbled and began to sob. So much for being done with crying.
*****
Alex drove to his apartment without the radio. He needed time to think. Bianca was definitely not fine with what happened, and yet she pretended it was for the best. And she looked different, he just couldn’t figure out why. Slamming his hand against the steering wheel, Alex cursed. Where did they go wrong? Last night, and the worry and anxiety of where Bianca was and who she was with returned. She made him lose his trust in her, that’s what went wrong. How was he even sure she wasn’t with someone else last night and that was why she broke it off so easily. Alex shook his head, no, she looked devastated by the breakup, with dark smudges under her chocolate brown eyes that were red rimmed and puffy from continued crying. A woman who was cheating didn’t cry when the man she cheated on broke up with her. Bianca wasn’t like that and Alex knew it. So why was he so quick to jump to that conclusion? Images of his first serious relationship, fresh out of high school before he joined the Air Force, popped into his head. Kate was also beautiful and appeared innocent. But that wasn’t the truth. She cheated behind his back for months while they dated and made a fool of Alex. That’s why he jumped to conclusions. But Alex knew he was wrong, and Kate wasn’t the rule but the exception. Bianca was nothing like her and he fucked up last night. Sighing, Alex made a u-turn. He wasn’t going to let Bianca slip through his fingers, especially not on Christmas Eve.
*****
A soft knock sounded on the door a half hour later as Bianca was stepping into the living room. When Alex left all she wanted to do was hide in her room and eat the clichéd ice cream and cookie dough. But she didn’t. She got her ass off of the bed and took a shower and decided to bake cookies with the damn dough instead. Then she would drop them off to someone who really wanted them. It was Christmas Eve after all and what was Christmas without cookies. Before the fight, Bianca and Alex had planned on cooking a nice dinner and the next day exchanging gifts and visiting their prospective families together to make the relationship ‘official’. But now Bianca would have to go to her mom’s broken and pregnant and alone. The idea made her cringe because her mom, the serial monogamist, would instantly try to hook her up with someone else all while berating her for getting ‘knocked up’ without a ring. Shaking her head at the absurdity and deciding to stay home and eat all of the cookies by herself, Bianca started toward the door. She peeped through the peephole and gasped; Alex came back.
Bianca swung the door open and stood there staring at him, the cold crisp air wrapping around her like an icy blanket and causing her to shiver. “Come in,” she mumbled, running her hands over her cold arms where goose bumps had formed.
Alex nodded, stepping and closing the door tightly. “I shouldn’t have left before. Bianca, we need to talk.”