She must have looked as bad as she felt. “I’m okay, just tired with working full time and taking night classes. I can’t wait to have two weeks off for winter break to relax,” Bianca said, averting her eyes so Mrs. Jensen couldn’t see right through her lie. After all, she did teach five year olds for thirty-three years.
“How have you been feeling, dear?” Mrs. Jensen followed up; she knew about the miscarriage that most people didn’t.
“Better. I’ll always be sad when I think of what could have been, but there isn’t anything I can do to change what happened,” Bianca replied and it was the truth.
As much as she mourned and regretted what happened, she knew now there was nothing she could have done to change it. The doctor spoke extensive
ly with her about it at her follow up appointment when all Bianca did was blame herself. Bianca walked with Mrs. Jensen to her car and said her goodbyes, hugging the older woman and wishing her a Merry Christmas before they parted ways. She climbed into her car and sighed, leaning her head back on the head rest and closing her eyes for a moment. God, she was tired. Taking a deep breath, she started the car and headed home, trying to figure out a way to hide the pregnancy from Alex for a few weeks. This was going to be more difficult than she thought.
*****
Alex walked out of the office, a smile spreading across his face. He was ready to begin work as soon as the holidays were over. He couldn’t wait to surprise Bianca next week with the information that he had a job, and a great paying and exciting job at that. With more excitement than he felt in awhile, Alex drove home to Bianca’s. It was funny that he thought of her house as home even though he didn’t officially live there. Any place Bianca was would be considered home to him. That was when Alex knew what he had been trying to deny all of this time. He loved Bianca and he wanted to be with her for a lifetime. Suddenly getting an idea, Alex took a detour home. He had a more important stop to make and a great Christmas present for Bianca. The only thing he hoped was that she would say yes.
*****
Bianca’s symptoms continued to get worse over the next couple of days. The nausea was so bad it was becoming increasingly hard to hide from Alex. Luckily, he seemed a bit distracted himself and Bianca could use the excuse of Christmas shopping to get out of the house without him. Bianca couldn’t face her mom, especially since she wasn’t aware of Bianca’s first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage so she didn’t go shopping with her. Instead she called Andrea and had her meet her at the mall. She needed someone to talk to, and since Andrea had her own child, little Jay was just four months old, she knew her friend would understand. Bianca met Andrea at her car in front of the main entrance just before noon.
“So where do you want to start?” Andrea asked, strapping Jay into his baby carrier and adjusting him on her chest.
When Bianca just stood, watching Andrea and the baby, who she hadn’t seen since she miscarried, Andrea paused. “What’s wrong, Bianca?” Andrea asked, sensing a change in her demeanor.
“I’m pregnant,” Bianca blurted, without thinking. Realizing what she said, she slapped a hand over her mouth.
“What? When did this happen?” Andrea asked a look of shock on her face.
“I’m guessing about eight weeks ago,” Bianca answered, “But I haven’t told Alex. There’s a lot more to the story.” She began.
As they walked into the mall, Bianca recounted the whole story, from finding out she was pregnant the first time, to the miscarriage and finally the current pregnancy. Andrea looked so confused, and mildly hurt that she was just finding out, that Bianca felt she needed to stop to let her say her piece.
“I can’t believe this, Bianca. Why didn’t you tell me before?” Andrea asked with hurt in her voice. She looked so upset that she was kept out of the loop about it all that Bianca felt she owed her an explanation.
“I’m sorry, Andrea. I didn’t really get a chance to tell anyone about the pregnancy before I lost it. Then I was so lost myself I didn’t speak to anyone. I barely spoke to Alex. You were so busy with little Jay I didn’t want to burden you with this,” Bianca said, leaning forward to hug her friend.
They had stopped outside of a department store, and other shoppers eyed them as they passed by. Releasing her friend, Bianca stepped back, wiping tears from her eyes.
“When do you see the doctor?” Andrea wondered as they walked into the store.
“I haven’t made an appointment yet. I’m scared,” Bianca admitted reluctantly.
Andrea hugged her again, little Jay squirming between them. Bianca laughed, and gave him a tiny kiss. The rest of the shopping trip went by without drama and Andrea convinced Bianca to see her doctor as soon as possible, practically forcing Bianca to make the appointment right then and there. Caving in, Bianca called, setting up an appointment for two days later. After the shopping trip, and loaded down with bags, Bianca said goodbye to Andrea as she strapped little Jay into his car seat.
“Promise me you’ll call me and let me know what’s going on?” Andrea said before hopping into her minivan.
Bianca nodded, “I will. I can’t go through this alone, one way or another.”
They said their goodbyes and Bianca drove home feeling better than she had in awhile. Maybe it would all be okay after all.
*****
The next time Bianca told Alex she was going shopping she actually went to the doctor’s appointment. Sitting in the waiting room for her appointment, Bianca never felt so alone. She almost called Alex, only to put her phone away with a shake of her head. It was too soon, he couldn’t know until she found out if the baby was okay. Instead, she called Andrea and talked to her for fifteen minutes which calmed her nerves. Andrea even offered to come down to the doctor’s office but Bianca told her it was okay, knowing she would have to drag the baby out in the cold to meet her. Bianca considered pacing the room but stayed seated, unable to stop jiggling her foot with nerves. This time was nothing like her last initial prenatal visit. She was nauseous and exhausted, not cramping in pain. Bianca’s phone buzzed with a new message just as the nurse called her back to see the doctor. Butterflies rioted in her stomach and she wrung her hands nervously as she followed the nurse back to the exam room. Forcing memories of the last time out of her mind, Bianca put on the gown and sat down. Remembering the message on her phone Bianca pulled it out.
Alex: I’m headed to the mall, want to meet for lunch?
Bianca panicked at the message. What could she tell him? He’d want to meet her somewhere near the mall for lunch but she was a good thirty minutes away. Fighting back a panic attack, Bianca forced herself to slow her breathing. She had to think of something to keep him from getting suspicious.
Bianca: I’m not at the mall right now, I’m headed there in about an hour. Want to meet then?
She just hoped he wouldn’t ask her where she was.