Bianca frantically smoothed her hair with anxiety for the fourth time, nervousness assailing her. How would she tell him about her issue? Would he still want to be with her after he found out she may not be able to have children? Adjusting her oversized t-shirt to cover her leggings clad ass, Bianca looked out the window again to see if Alex’s car was pulling up. It had only been ten minutes but she was getting anxious that he wouldn’t show up. Anxiety bubbled in her stomach and she paced around the room. Why was this making her so crazy? She knew why. Alex was everything she wanted in a man, kind, funny, sexy, and he had a great job. Another thought made her stomach flutter again. What if he was going to re-enlist soon? Maybe this whole thing was a mistake.
On her second lap around the living room, Bianca heard the roar of an engine as it pulled into her driveway. Resisting the need to peek through the blinds again, Bianca waited, her hands clasped, in the center of the room. She didn’t want to seem too eager, but she really missed him those three days they hadn’t spoken and seeing him when she had this awful news to convey was more than she could take. A glimpse at her appearance in the mirror over her fireplace made her cringe. She really looked frazzled. A few deep breaths seemed to ease some of her tension just as the doorbell rang. Shaking the anxiety from her hands, Bianca made her way to the door slowly. She couldn’t let him see how shaken she was. With another deep breath she tugged the door open. Bianca almost groaned at how good Alex looked. His dirty blond hair was disheveled as if he just rolled out of bed, or was running his hands through his hair excessively. His five o’clock shadow didn’t make him look sloppy, but sexy, and Bianca ached to rub her cheek against his to feel the burn of the stubble. His sky blue eyes looked hungry with desire and it took all of Bianca’s nerve not to yank him inside by the belt loops and devour him.
Bianca backed up as he muscled his way into the house, the look in his eye made her want to steer clear of him but her body had other ideas. Alex’s eyes never left hers as he moved around her and into the living room. Bianca’s stomach clenched, deep inside, as Alex devoured her with his eyes that were darkened with lust. He sat down on the couch and crossed his leg over his knee; his
large boots were unlaced and screamed of a hasty departure from home. The reason for him coming slammed back to Bianca and broke the trance his stormy blue eyes held her under. Shaking her head to clear the fog of arousal, she moved toward him, perching on the arm of the sofa a good distance away from him. Alex noticed her retreat and hurt momentarily flashed across his face before it was replaced with a hard look. The desire of moments earlier was gone. That was when Bianca realized why he thought he was here. Panic raced through her at the thought. Maybe he would be more receptive to what she had to say if he wasn’t willing to lose her either.
“I, um,” Bianca started, the anxiety she managed to choke back before he entered the house returning.
“Just say it already,” Alex snapped, his light blue eyes clouded with anger.
This was going all wrong. Steeling herself for his reaction, Bianca just blurted it out. “I saw my doctor today and she told me I’m going into early menopause. This means I may not be able to have children. I’m sorry I avoided your text but I wasn’t quite ready to tell anyone yet because I was still digesting it myself.”
Alex’s face went from a hard mask of anger to one of sympathy. The way he looked at her made her want to cry and for a moment she thought she may prefer his anger instead. She hated to be vulnerable around anyone.
“I’m sorry Bianca, I…” Alex muttered, a look of chagrin crossing his face.
Bianca waved it off as if it was nothing, “It’s okay, it’s not like you knew what I was going to say. After last weekend, I don’t blame you.” She responded, moving closer to him on the couch.
They sat that way for a little while, neither of them saying anything. Alex captured her hand in his and drew small circles around the top of it with his thumb. The motion was oddly comforting. Bianca wanted to say something, but felt like she should wait for his response to her revelation first. She was surprised he didn’t have more questions, unless he was just waiting to ask them until he made more sense of it in his head. The feeling was mutual. She had several hours to digest the information and still she couldn’t believe it. Her certainty about what she should do was wavering back and forth, especially since Alex showed up.
Finally Alex spoke, his jaw set with determination, “So what did the doctor tell you were your options?” He asked, his eyes suddenly clear and taking charge. Bianca liked this side of him, although she felt like she could take care of herself, especially since she had been doing it for years.
Taking a deep breath she began, telling him everything the doctor said and all of her options. Tears threatened to spill as she finished, and Bianca swallowed a large lump that had formed in her throat. She did enough crying, now was time for action. Another deep breath and the lump dissolved, and Bianca knew what she had to do even if it was difficult.
*****
Alex listened patiently as Bianca explained her situation. If she waited too long she wouldn’t be able to have children, but if she wanted a child now she would need a sperm donor. Or she could freeze her eggs. It all made his head spin. The strength with which she dealt with this whole thing amazed him. On several occasions while she reiterated the doctor’s words she had looked as if she was going to cry, only to clear her throat and sound composed again. Alex wanted to be the shoulder for her to cry on but he wasn’t sure what she wanted him to do. Did she want him to step back so she could fulfill her dream of motherhood? Alex had come over here with the intentions of telling Bianca he wanted to be with her and he wasn’t going to let her run from him. All of this threw a wrench in his plans.
Literally scratching his head with no idea how to proceed, Alex watched Bianca as she paused, the look of unshed tears appearing in her eyes again. He wanted to reach for her, to pull her into his chest and never let her go. He wanted to tell her it would all be okay. But he didn’t know that for sure. A fleeting thought struck him but he pushed it away. It was a crazy idea and he wasn’t sure she would accept it. They had just met, they barely knew one another. Shaking his head to rid himself of the crazy idea, Alex watched Bianca. She appeared to be lost in thought. Hopefully her thoughts included him and a future for them. Although Alex doubted that with her current situation there would be room for him in her life any longer.
*****
Bianca watched Alex, what was he thinking? Mustering the courage to speak, Bianca cleared her throat again, another large lump dissipating.
“I think we need to talk about a few things,” Bianca stated, sitting up straighter so that she wouldn’t lose her nerve.
A look of hurt passed across Alex’s face and she almost lost her nerve. She had to end things if she wanted to proceed with her plans to have a child. While talking with Alex her options became clearer. Initially the sperm donor idea seemed ludicrous, but after hearing it again she realized it was her only shot at utilizing the time she had left to become a mother. This way she could finish her teaching degree and then have a baby. There would be no ambiguity about the future or if she would be able to have a baby in a few years when she finally met someone. Even if Alex was the one they were so far from the ‘starting a family’ portion of their relationship that the risk wasn’t one she was willing to take. Alex would understand if he really wanted her to be happy.
“I really like you, Alex, but if I’m going to be able to carry out my dream of becoming a mother, we can’t pursue this relationship.” Bianca finished quickly, spitting the words out as if they had a vile taste.
The wounded look passed across Alex’s face again before he spoke, “I wish it didn’t have to be this way, Bianca. I’ll be honest and say I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before. I had hoped we could have something real.”
He looked away from her and Bianca’s heart ached. For a moment she almost took it back, almost gave up the need to be a mother; a need that she had since before she knew what it was to have children. No, she couldn’t. As callous as it sounded, she knew there would be other men.
She shook her head with resolve, but her voice came out a degree shakier than before, “I can’t, Alex. I had hoped you’d understand. We’ve just met and it could be years before we would be ready to have our own children. I don’t have years.” Bianca sighed, the pain of loss in her chest weighing her down. How could she feel loss for a relationship she didn’t even have?
The anger and sadness that clouded Alex’s handsome face vanished at her words. Something she said must have got through to him. He must finally understand.
“Well, there is one more option that we didn’t consider, you know.” Alex smiled at Bianca as if they were harboring some sort of inside joke.
Bianca frowned with confusion, “I’m not sure what you’re getting at. I told you all of my options. Not one of them is conducive to us having a relationship at this point.” She claimed with sadness.
Alex shook his head, the smirk firm on his face, “Isn’t it obvious, Bianca?”
He stood pulling Bianca into his arms. With a movement so quick, Bianca had little time to react, Alex met her mouth with his, his tongue pushing at the entrance to her lips. Passion enveloped Bianca, but besides that she didn’t understand what Alex was saying. All thought escaped her, however, when Alex delved deeper with his kiss, entwining his tongue with hers. He stroked her tongue with a motion that mimicked sex and Bianca groaned into his mouth. Their conversation from moments ago seemed frivolous, as heat spread from Bianca’s core through her whole body. Her pussy pulsed with need, moisture escaping the swollen lips and wetting her lace thong panties. She vaguely remembered an important conversation, but all she felt now was lust. Bianca threaded her arms around Alex’s neck and plunged her hands into his soft, shaggy hair, tugging him closer to her. Another groan of pleasure escaped her mouth as Alex’s hands encircled her waist and pulled her flush against his body. The hard length of him pressed against her stomach through his jeans and the feel of it increased her arousal. There was a nagging feeling in the back of her mind that she should stop, that this wasn’t what should happen right now. That’s right, she had other plans. Baby plans. But this felt so right. Their whole conversation from before flooded back and Bianca pulled away from Alex with a sigh of resignation.
Shit!