“This is pretty. Is it new?”
His question was casual, but it made my heart beat erratically. I had fished it out of my jewelry box after my last dream of Cassie. It was a simple charm—a delicate gold heart on a thin chain. It was the necklace I had given Cassie for her twentieth birthday, not knowing that it would be the last one I would celebrate with her. She had squealed over it, exclaiming that she loved it even though it was nothing ornate. I couldn’t afford much as a college student, but I knew the instant I saw it in the jewelry store that she would love it. Her mother had given it to me shortly after her death so I would have something of Cassie’s to hold onto. That was before she had lost herself in her d
elusions about Cassie still being alive. I had shoved it into my jewelry box and hadn’t looked at it in years, but my dream about her birthday at the amusement park had sparked the desire to wear it. It made me feel closer to her.
“No, I’ve had it for a while.” I had gotten better at being able to talk to him about Cassie without feeling guilt-ridden, but for some reason, I hesitated to tell him the truth about the necklace. I was about to confess, but the moment passed as Logan pulled me towards him. I let myself get lost in his kiss, telling myself that it didn’t matter whether or not I told him the necklace used to belong to Cassie.
I pushed all thoughts out of my head and allowed myself to get swept up in the tidal wave of our desire. My sexual boundaries kept getting pushed further and further every time Logan and I were together. I found myself saying and doing things in the heat of the moment that I would have previously been shocked to even consider. Logan didn’t hesitate to help push those boundaries, and I had a feeling he was wading into territory that was new for him as well, but he took to it with enthusiasm.
Even though we pushed boundaries in the heat of the moment, after our desires had been satiated, Logan was sweet and gentle, and I loved cuddling with him afterwards almost as much as the act itself. Almost.
It was in his warm embrace after a sweaty and intense bout of passion that I drifted off to sleep. I was content and happy and hopeful for our future.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Suddenly, we plunged down and I followed Cassie’s advice, screaming as loudly as I could. My screams released all the tension in my body, and soon my screams were interspersed with laughter. Expelling all that sound somehow made my stomach remain steady, and I felt gravity leave me as I was pushed into weightlessness. Nothing existed except the wind in my face and my screams, which sounded distant to my own ears. I felt incredibly free with nothing weighing me down. No guilt. No shame. No self-loathing. Just freedom.
The descents on the rest of the roller coaster were minor, and soon we were back at the loading area as the cars stopped with a jolt. Cassie turned to me, her face wind-kissed and framed by wisps of hair that had escaped her ponytail. Her brown eyes sparkled, and she looked happy and carefree.
“See? It wasn’t so bad.”
“Yeah, I’m still alive,” I joked.
Cassie’s expression turned serious. “What’s the point of living if you never feel free?”
I didn’t answer her immediately, puzzled by her question. I climbed out of the car and followed her to the exit of the ride as I mulled over her words. I waited until we were back in the main area of the amusement park to respond.
“What do you mean there’s no point in living if you’re not free?” I wrinkled my nose at her. “Are you enslaved by someone and I don’t know it?”
Instead of laughing at my joke, she gave me a look of resignation. It was an expression I had never seen on her face. She was always the fearless go-getter, never doubting that she would succeed or get her way. The only time I had ever seen her look apprehensive was the summer before we started college, when she had revealed that she had insecurities, just like the rest of us. I had just chalked it up to her being nervous about starting college since it was a huge change in our lives.
“Doesn’t life just sometimes weigh you down?” she finally asked. “Don’t you ever feel like a prisoner in your own life?”
All thoughts of joking fled my mind at the serious tone of her voice. “Is everything okay, Cassie?” I asked, concerned. “Is something bothering you?”
Her sober eyes looked straight into mine, and my pulse began to race. Did she know? Did she know about me and Logan? Is that why she was talking about life weighing her down? My heart thudded so loudly against my ribcage that I was sure she could hear it. I wished that nothing had ever happened between me and Logan, but I couldn’t take back my feelings now. My love for him was intense, and it scared me that I was willing to risk my friendship with Cassie for it, the person I loved most in my life. At least, she had been before Logan came along.
“What do you think is going to happen to us after college?” she asked, her expression still serious.
“We’ll get fabulous jobs and meet fabulous men and live happily ever after,” I said, trying to inject some levity into the conversation. I tried to smile, but my insides were caving in. The same thought kept reverberating over and over again in my head. Please don’t let her know. She can’t have found out about me and Logan. I need to be the one to tell her.
It was on the tip of my tongue to confess everything to her, but I hesitated. I didn’t want her birthday to forever be ruined by the memory of her best friend and boyfriend betraying her. I had made Logan agree to wait a few days after her birthday to tell her the truth. What could a few days hurt?
Cassie tried to smile at my answer, but it faltered. “Do you really think so?” Her voice was both hesitant and hopeful. It was uncharacteristic of her larger-than-life personality.
Normally, I would have dug deeper to find out what was wrong, but I was afraid of the answer. So, I just pasted on a smile and kept my tone light. “Of course. Have I ever steered you wrong in the ten years we’ve been friends?”
Cassie’s face cleared, and she grinned at me, looking like her normal self again. “Do I have to remind you of the time you tried to convince me that if I ate Pop Rocks and drank a soda at the same time, my stomach would explode?”
I laughed, relieved that she had snapped out of whatever had been bothering her. She couldn’t know about me and Logan because there was no way she’d be able to hide that from me. I knew her too well. “I was eleven years old! And from what I remember, not believing me didn’t stop you from trying it out.”
Cassie grinned at me. “You were so freaked out. You kept begging me not to do it, and even threatened to call my mom.”
“I thought I was about to watch my best friend kill herself!” I said indignantly. “You were the crazy one for actually trying it to see if it was true.”
Cassie shrugged with an easy smile. “Life’s no fun if you don’t take chances.”
I rolled my eyes at her. “There’s a difference between taking chances and being reckless.”