“She knows?” Mrs. Brooks asked skeptically. I barely noticed the waiter setting down my glass of water. He quickly receded into the background without asking whether we were ready to order, undoubtedly realizing that interrupting us wouldn’t be a good idea.
“Not exactly,” I said hesitantly. “It’s a little complicated. I just need you to trust me when I say I’m not betraying Cassie.”
Not this time, anyway, the voice in my head said. I tried to ignore the accusatory words.
Mrs. Brooks wasn’t placated by my answer. In fact, it seemed to ignite an anger in her that I had never seen before.
“Madison, I’m trying to stay calm, but I can only take so much when it comes to my daughter. I care about you, but right now I’m so disgusted by you that I don’t know what to say. I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore. You were always such a good girl. I never expected you to be a slut.”
I was shocked
by the ugly word she called me, but I couldn’t deny that her anger was justified in a way, because long ago I had betrayed Cassie. Mrs. Brooks wasn’t entirely wrong in her accusations. She was just eight years too late.
“It’s not what you think,” I said, dismayed that tears were welling up in my eyes. I was frustrated that I couldn’t explain the circumstances of my relationship with Logan to Mrs. Brooks because it would entail bringing up Cassie’s death.
She sighed heavily. “I don’t mean to be cruel, but this is just so uncharacteristic of you. Just promise me you’ll end things with Logan. Cassie never has to know about it, and things can return to normal.”
I considered giving Mrs. Brooks that promise with no intention of following through on it, but I was paranoid that she would find out I was lying since I didn’t even know how she had found out about me and Logan in the first place.
“I can’t,” I finally said, my voice quiet. “I care too much about him.”
My relationship with Logan was too important to sacrifice to keep up the façade for Cassie’s mother. I took a deep breath and then took the plunge, hoping that I wasn’t making a huge mistake. “Mrs. Brooks, Cassie is gone. I know on some level you know that. I loved Cassie. I still do, but she’s not with us anymore. I need to move on with my life, and that life includes Logan. I can understand why you would be disappointed that I’m with him, but we’re not hurting Cassie.”
Not anymore, because you already hurt her beyond repair. Your betrayal was the reason she committed suicide. I tried to ignore the taunting voice in my head, telling myself to keep the past where it belonged.
Mrs. Brooks stared at me for a while after I was done speaking. I wasn’t sure if my words had gotten through to her, but her face was ashen. I started to worry that she had gone into shock when she finally spoke.
“You little bitch,” she spat out, her voice quickly rising. “How dare you try to pull some sick little stunt to justify whoring around with Logan. I can’t believe I let you into our lives and treated you like a daughter, only to have you slap me in the face with some ridiculous lie.”
Mrs. Brooks was becoming hysterical and I started to panic. I quickly tried to interject a dose of reality into the conversation to jar her out of her delusions.
“Look around us,” I said urgently, trying to keep my voice steady. “You came to meet me in Chicago. That’s because I’m no longer a student at the University of Michigan. I’m twenty-eight years old now. You’re living in the past because you don’t want to accept Cassie’s death. I understand that. I can’t imagine how horrible it was for you to lose her, but it isn’t healthy to keep pretending. She’s gone, Mrs. Brooks, and nothing is going to change that.”
My words fell on deaf ears. Mrs. Brooks looked so enraged that I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had physically attacked me.
“You’re sick,” she hissed, glaring at me with such hatred that I flinched. “I wish you had never come into our lives. You don’t deserve to have a friend like Cassie. She trusts and loves you, and you repay her by trying to take her boyfriend away. If she knew what you were doing, she would hate you. How can you live with yourself, knowing that you’re betraying her like this? Who are you? You’re not the Madison that I thought I knew. You’re trying to justify what you’re doing with revolting lies. The only thing that matters is that you’re guilty. You’re guilty of deceiving Cassie, and you’re guilty of trying to take her happiness away. I won’t ever let that happen.”
Her words battered against me, wounding me because they were true. I had betrayed Cassie, and I would never be able escape the fact that I was just as culpable for her death as if I had been the one holding the razor that had slashed her wrists. And I was still betraying her, because the only way I was able to have a relationship with Logan now was to forget about her so that I didn’t have to deal with the guilt. How could I forget the person who had been my best friend, my strongest supporter, my loudest cheerleader, for ten years?
I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. Mrs. Brooks must have taken my silence as acceptance of my guilt, because when she spoke again, her voice was gentler. She no longer look enraged and her ability to just switch it off was discomfiting.
“Madison, I know that feelings can get confusing, especially when you’re young. You think you’ve found the love of your life, when in reality, he’s just one boy in a string of relationships you’ll have before you find the right one. Cassie and Logan have something special. One day, you’ll find the person who’s right for you, too. But don’t ruin this for Cassie. And don’t ruin this for yourself. You’ll regret destroying your friendship with Cassie for the rest of your life. It’s not too late to salvage it. She never has to know. Just promise me you’ll stop seeing Logan.”
It was a long time before I spoke, but when I finally did, I wasn’t sure if I was lying to her or to myself.
“I promise,” I whispered, feeling broken.
Mrs. Brooks’ countenance changed immediately at my words. She smiled at me, looking relieved. “I knew you would make the right decision, dear. We can forget this ever happened.” She glanced distractedly around the restaurant. “Where did our waiter go? We’ve been here for ages and haven’t even ordered yet.”
I felt numb as she gestured for our waiter, and I pointed to a random item on the menu when he came to the table, not even paying attention to what I was ordering. I was like an automaton for the rest of lunch. I was silent except for when Mrs. Brooks asked a direct question, which I answered with the fewest words possible.
“It was wonderful to see you,” Mrs. Brooks said brightly when we were done and the check had been settled. “Next time, you should come to Laurenston. I know how busy you girls get with your classes and parties, but I’d love it if you visited more often.”
I nodded feebly, feeling dazed. My mind was blank as I rode the L train home. It wasn’t until I entered my apartment and collapsed onto my bed that the tears poured out of me. What was I going to do? I had promised Mrs. Brooks the impossible, because I couldn’t end things with Logan. But what if she found out we were still seeing each other? Why did it still matter so much what she thought of me? She had treated me like a daughter for most of my life, and beyond just owing her so much, I truly cared about her, but she was sick and deluded. The worst part was that her mental instability didn’t change the fact that a large part of me had agreed with her character assassination of me.
Sobs wracked my body as I silently begged for someone to help me decide what to do. It was a long time before I realized that it was Cassie I was pleading with.
Please, I begged her. Tell me what to do. I miss you so much. I’m so sorry for everything. I love you. Please help me.