I heard a noise behind me, and my head shot around as my heart started to hammer even faster against my chest. I couldn’t have done this to myself. Maybe my attacker was still here, waiting to finish me off. Because I couldn’t have done this to myself.
I came to consciousness abruptly and gasped for air, my lungs feeling as if they were about to burst. My whole body trembled as tears escaped my eyes, soaking the pillow beneath me. I had hoped the sleeping pills would prevent me from dreaming, but instead, they had trapped me in my horrific nightmare.
I instinctively raised my arms to look at my wrists, knowing that I would find unmarred flesh but needing to check anyway. I sat up in bed and leaned against the headboard, staring sightlessly in front of me as I waited for my pulse to calm.
I expected this day to become easier every year, and although it no longer had the ability to debilitate me, the memory of Cassie’s death never faded.
I wearily rubbed my eyes and checked the alarm clock next to my bed. It was only just past four o’clock in the morning, but I knew there was no way I would be able to go back to sleep.
My apartment was a little chilly, so I threw on a sweatshirt before heading out into the living room. Dawn had yet to arrive, so it was still eerily dark, and I quickly turned on all the lights in the living room and kitchen, pausing to turn the coffeemaker on.
I sat on the couch, trying to blot my mind of the grisly images of my nightmare. I tried to focus on happy thoughts about Cassie. There were a decade of them, and I needed to not let that one awful moment overshadow all the good we had shared.
My mind wandered to the summer before we started college. We had been so excited to leave Laurenston behind and start a new life at school. I remembered one hot and sticky afternoon when we had spent the day lounging around in Cassie’s bedroom listening to music to escape the summer heat.
“Can you believe it?” Cassie said excitedly, her eyes sparkling. “In less than two weeks we’ll be college students. No more curfews and no more parents hovering over our shoulder. We can go to as many parties as we want, whenever we want.”
“Yeah, but don’t forget those pesky classes that’ll get in the way of non-stop partying,” I said drily. I was lying on Cassie’s bed, and I stretched my legs out as I glanced down at her. She was sprawled on her floor, flipping through an issue of Glamour. She looked up at me and rolled her eyes.
“There’s more to college than just classes, Maddie,” she said in exasperation. She sat up and flung her arms out expansively. “It’s about experiencing life! We’ll finally be on our own. We can totally reinvent ourselves, if we want.”
I frowned at her. “Why would you want to reinvent yourself? It’s not like you’re some sort of weirdo or something.”
Far from it. From the outside, Cassie seemed to lead a charmed life, and from my perspective, the exterior pretty much matched the interior. Her family was well off, and both her parents were loving, although I knew Cassie sometimes found her mother smothering. She was one of the most popular girls in school, and was involved in tons of activities, from soccer to the drama club. She had dated all throughout high school, although she hadn’t had a serious boyfriend, but I knew there had been plenty of willing candidates. Not only was she smart and beautiful, she had an effortless confidence that seemed to be her birthright and drew people to her like moths to a flame.
It would be easy to be jealous of Cassie, but my love for her made it impossible. And she was easy to love. Besides being smart and beautiful, she was also kind and generous. She was more than my best friend or even a sister; if there was such a thing as soul mates, she was mine.
I shook my head ruefully at my cheesy thoughts. Cassie didn’t notice as she stared out the window. When she turned back to me, there was a slight frown on her face.
“Don’t you ever wish you were someone else?” she asked. “Don’t you ever get tired of being inside your skin?”
“What do you mean?” I was confused by her statement. Cassie never seemed to have any insecurities or fears, let alone doubts about her entire existence. “Why would you want to be somebody else?” I scrunched up my nose, wanting to dispel the heaviness that seemed to suddenly pervade the room. “I think most people would wish they could trade places with you, even if it’s just for your fabulous wardrobe.”
Cassie cocked her head, looking at me curiously. “You think?”
I threw a pillow at her, which she deftly caught. “Oh, be quiet. Why wouldn’t they? You’re drop dead gorgeous, you’re practically a genius, and you have the best friend in the world a person could possibly ask for. Who wouldn’t want to be you?”
I expected her to laugh at my light-hearted comment, but instead her expression turned serious. She reached over and grabbed my hand, squeezing tightly.
“Maddie, we’ll be friends forever, right? You won’t abandon me in college for someone smarter and funnier and more interesting than me, will you?”
I furrowed my brows, confused by her question. It came out of left field and was hard to take seriously. “Don’t be dumb. I’ll only recast the role of best friend if Sarah Michelle Gellar happens go to our school. Which I doubt will happen, since she’s way older than us.”
Cassie and I had a slight Buffy the Vampire obsession, and she laughed at my joke as she released my hand, looking like herself again.
“It’s a deal. You can dump me for Buffy, but no one else.” She suddenly got up, stretching her arms behind her. “Let’s go downstairs and get something to eat. I’m starving.”
I hesitated. Something was bothering me. There had been a look in her eyes that I had never seen before. I wasn’t sure if it was fear or anxiety about things changing once we went to college, but I couldn’t completely banish a niggling sense of concern.
“Is everything okay, Cassie? Is there something you’re not telling me?”
She waved her hand dismissively. “I think I was just in a mood. Don’t worry about it. Now, hurry up before I keel over from hunger.”
I got up and followed her at a slower pace, still not completely sure that I hadn’t missed something important.
The beeping of the coffeemaker jarred me from my memory. I tried to clear my head as I made my way into the kitchen. I had already spent y
ears trying to dissect every conversation I had ever had with Cassie, trying to figure out what I had missed. All it had done was deepen my sorrow and guilt.