“Sorry.” He gave me a fast pat on the knee. “I’m being a pain.”
“You’re allowed a bad mood.”
“Yeah, but I shouldn’t be taking it out on you.” He rested his head on my shoulder, and I hugged him close, wishing there were more I could do. “How about that movie? You can study and I’ll try to tell my brain to shut up.”
“It’s a nice brain.” I kissed his forehead.
“Not as nice as yours.” His crooked smile was his first real one in hours and the kiss he gave me was that much sweeter for the wait.
In theory, what happened next was him watching a movie on my tablet while I got out my notes for my senior seminar. But in reality, I set my notes aside and played with his hair and stroked his shoulders while he used me as a backrest. Every so often he’d remind me to study, and I’d try, but I kept getting distracted by how much I wanted to help him. As the final credits rolled on the movie neither of us had paid that much attention to, Milo yawned big and leaned further into me.
“Tired?”
“Yeah. Head is still buzzing though.” He groaned and rubbed at his thoroughly messed-up hair.
“Tired but wired sucks.” I dropped a kiss on the back of his neck while I snaked a hand down his torso. “I know one thing that might help…”
“Sorry.” He stilled my hand and reversed our positions so that he was cuddled behind me, face buried in my hair. “Not right now.”
“Okay. It’s all good.” It was a challenge to sound as accepting and accommodating as I wanted to while Milo was squeezing me so tightly that I had to keep from squawking.
“Oops. I’m squashing you.” He arranged us in a marginally more comfortable position, but the bed certainly seemed a lot smaller when we weren’t all tangled up in each other on it. “Do you want me to take the floor bed?”
“Not unless that what’s you want.” I snuggled into him, trying to give off platonic vibes, which was difficult with him right there, smelling so good, but I truly was fine exactly like this. I loved being near him however I could get him.
“No. I just want to lie here like this.” He held me close, gentler now, breathing like he was doing a meditation class.
“Does that help?” Now I was the one yawning, but I wanted to stay awake if he needed to talk. And maybe also to memorize this moment that felt both achingly sweet and infinitely fragile.
“Holding you always helps.” He kissed my temple. I’d meant the breathing, but I wasn’t going to turn down the compliment. However, somehow I also didn’t believe I was doing enough to assist him through this crisis. I was good for more than being a human body pillow. And for all my ability to scheme and plan my way out of tight situations, I couldn’t help Milo if he wouldn’t let me.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Milo
“Is every song in this thing about being lonely?” I looked up from the program we’d snagged from a stack in the lobby. The tech rehearsal audience was bigger than Kellan had advertised, but Jasper, April, and I had found seats off to the side away from a rowdy mix of undergraduates in the middle of the theater. Mrs. Q had been full of reminders to use hand sanitizer and have April home on time, and Jasper was all about taking his big brother duties seriously.
“I think there’s a deeper meaning than that.” Leaning over Jasper, April pointed at a paragraph that explained how they’d picked the various musical numbers for the revue. It was a mix of well-known hits and newer songs. “It’s iconic songs of personal power.”
“Way to quote the program.” Jasper laughed from in between us. “Speaking of alone… Any luck with your…new project?”
He gave me a pointed look. We hadn’t had much time to talk that day. I’d had to leave while he was still asleep to make the bus to work for the early shift I was scheduled for. I couldn’t afford to miss work, not right then. Then after work, Jasper had been in class, so I’d hung out in the Gracehaven library, scrolling through housing ads and trying not to get too discouraged by dead ends.
“Maybe,” I answered cagily, not wanting to involve April in my drama.
“Good.” Jasper had brought me soup from the dining hall after his class. He was so good at the caretaking thing, but nonetheless I hated how much I needed him. I wanted to solve my own problems, and he made it too easy to sink into his cozy nest of favors and nice gestures. Unsurprisingly, I hadn’t told him how fruitless my searching had been when we’d fetched April together. And now he was all questions. “What about—”