And at the core of everything, there’s betrayal.
From the very Primals I thought were embracing me.
Sebastian and Theo had both laid with her during a time when she was emotionally vulnerable. Allowing themselves to succumb to her. Clarissa even went back for Sebastian twice. After I poured my heart out to her and promised her the world. That I could whisk her away and dive us into a
n endless abyss of wonder. I could give her what we had in Japan. The adventure and the laughter and the smiles and the moments that robbed us both of our breath. I was capable of that. I’m still capable of that.
But she doesn't want it.
Like Joel.
I’m no better than Joel in her eyes, and even though it isn’t her fault, I can’t help but feel betrayed by her.
I know Clarissa and I will never be together. I know I’m the last kind of man she would want to be with. I know the moment we save Kyle she will go running back for him. Running back to the life she always wanted before any of us came along. And if something happens with her and Kyle, then she’s got Sebastian and Theo. Two big, strong men who can keep her warm. Protect her. Provide for her in a way I know I can’t. I can give her laughter, sure. I can give her memories, yes. But I can’t give her what they can.
I can’t command her. Dictate her. Force my way into her heart.
At my core, I’m soft. Emotional. Bound to the world in a way that strokes my soul. I want to be one with it, not control it. I want to sink myself into the earth, not fight with it. I want to make love to Clarissa, not fuck her. I want to slowly roll myself into her, not crash her against a wall. Clarissa deserves tenderness. Romance. Compassion. Kindness.
But she gravitates toward men who aren’t.
I lay on my bed and stare up at the ceiling as all the guys continue to talk in the living room. If they aren’t careful, Clarissa will be able to hear them. I close my eyes and conjure her memory. The memories we both created in Japan. How wonderful she looked with the blossoms of the blooming trees falling around her. How nice it was to get drinks with her and laugh over stupid things. How luscious her waking sounds were as she filled her space with yawns and groans and sighs.
Sounds I could wake up to for the rest of my life.
Sounds I’ll never get to hear again.
The only reason I’m here is for Clarissa. So I can prove to her that I’m worthy of the love she has to give. But she’s already chosen. Twice. And neither times it was me. And if given a third chance, she would probably choose Theo over me.
Hell, she would probably choose Vlad over me.
There’s no point in me staying. There are so many men vying for her attention she probably wouldn’t even realize I had disappeared. I close my eyes and conjure a plan. A plan to get out of this mess and go home. I have a hotel to run that I left in the arms of a good friend of mine, but I can’t expect her to run it forever. Eventually, I have to get back and get on with my life. Keep providing the hotel services I have to give and make a living for myself. This war has nothing to do with me. It doesn’t have anything to do with any of us. If Sebastian would’ve left well enough alone, none of us would have been put in this position. The Council would still think she didn’t exist, Clarissa would’ve gotten the normal life she wanted, and my heart wouldn’t be breaking.
Shattering into a million pieces.
I know there’s a good chance I could die in this war. Die defending a bunch of theories we have no way of confirming. Sebastian and Clarissa both are dead set on what the Council’s trying to do. Use the serums to change the human population into what Clarissa and Kyle have become while still trying to hunt down Clarissa to use as their personal weapon. From their assumption was born the theory that Kyle is now their main weapon. That we will eventually encounter Kyle on the battlefield and stand toe-to-toe with him and the enemy.
But it’s all so outlandish.
And not a bit of it has to do with me.
Striking out on my own is the only way I’ve ever known. At a Cat’s core, there is a loner mentality. We are independent. We are strong. We are wise, and we always try to take the route of talking before doing. We are innovators and evolutionary experts. We aren’t fighters. We aren’t manipulators. Sebastian thinks he’s doing Clarissa a favor by manipulating her in his plan, but I know better. I know she will find out, and I know she will be angry, and she will look to me and ask her why I didn’t tell her. Why I didn’t come clean with her.
If there is one thing Cats aren’t, it’s self-sacrificial. I’m not sacrificing myself in a war that doesn’t concern me, and I’m not being made the scapegoat for Clarissa’s anger when this plan ultimately falls apart.
I don’t want to lose my life over someone else’s problems. I’m tired of everything falling on my back. I’m tired of fighting with the idiotic Wolf, and I’m tired of watching Clarissa fall all over every other man except me. They don’t deserve her. Kyle wasn’t strong enough to protect her from the world she had been exposed to, and Sebastian’s too possessive. To controlling of such a free spirit. He wants to cage her, but I want her to run free.
I want to run by her side and be free with her.
Theo would want her to settle down in his tribe so he could become clan leader, but I know Clarissa doesn’t want that. Joel wants her to stay behind in this village of humans and give him more children than anyone else, but I know she doesn't want that either. Vlad wants to claim her and fuck her senseless to get her out of his system, and she deserves way more than that.
I can give her what she wants.
But she can’t see it.
And I can’t give my life for a woman who can’t see how perfect we are for one another.
I won’t.