“You know, before dawn.”
Every so often, Rebel gave me the gift of seeing her the way she was when she was younger. It wasn’t often that she was playful or silly.
Whether it had anything to do with me or not, I took part of the credit. If she didn’t feel comfortable around me, truly didn’t trust me, she’d never let me see that side of her.
When I woke sometime in the middle of the night, Rebel wasn’t in bed next to me; she was sitting by the window. It was still dark, but she’d lit a single candle. Her shadow fell on the wall, an outline of her perfect shape. I watched her body rise and fall with a heavy sigh as she fingered the brocade fabric of the cushion on which she sat.
I watched as her eyes closed and she raised her chin. It looked almost as though she was speaking, but silently. Again, I wished I could crawl inside her brain, know what was behind the sighs, where her pain rested, and why. I longed to tell her she could leave behind her lonely nights and empty days—I’d fill them with happy memories to replace the sad.
Before I uttered promises I wasn’t sure I could keep, I had to know in my heart I was making them for the right reasons. As long as she had no choice but to be with me, I wouldn’t know for certain. Once she was free to get on with the rest of her life, then we’d see if we fit as well as I believed we did at this moment.
Rebel shuddered and pulled the throw she’d taken from the bed over her shoulders, and then looked behind her, and our eyes met.
“Hi,” she murmured.
“Can’t sleep?”
She shook her head.
“You look cold. Come back and let me get you warm.”
“I can’t.”
“Why ever not?” The violet-tinged silver rays of the moon shone on her, and in that still, quiet moment, I felt as though she was already saying goodbye. It nearly broke my heart to think it was forever.
“You’re a good man, Edge. Both Tee-Tee and Casper said so. They also both warned me not to fuck things up with you.”
I raised a brow, finding it surprising that either woman would express such a sentimen
t.
“The thing is, I will fuck it up.”
“Not if you don’t want to.”
She shook her head. “I know myself. I always push away first.”
“What if I don’t let you?”
“You won’t be able to stop me.”
“Rebel.” I reached my hand out to her. “Come back to bed.”
To my relief, she did as I asked. I wrapped her in my arms, hoping that when this was all over, she would still be here.
“When are you leaving?” she whispered.
I’d been dreading the question and was surprised she hadn’t asked before now. “Tomorrow night.”
“I’m scared,” she whispered.
“You have nothing to be afraid of. Casper and I will do our jobs, and then you’ll be free of all this.” That’s what I told her; however, inside I was scared too.
Since Sunday was the only day the dining hall was closed, with the exception of branding and calving season when there were times it was open all day and night for several days straight, I let Rebel sleep in.
I’d gotten up around eight to get a workout in. Periodically, I’d take a break and check on her, opening and closing the door as quietly as I could.
At noon, I received a text from Grinder asking when I wanted him to send Kick over. I hadn’t yet told Rebel she wouldn’t be staying here alone while I was gone, and I wasn’t sure how she would react.