“That wasn’t fair, Alegria,” Dutch scolded her after Mantis stormed out of the room without a word. “You made him think—”
“That I had moved on.”
“With me.”
She caressed the back of his hand with her thumb. “Haven’t I?”
“If I believed it’s what you really want…”
“It is what I want.”
Dutch scrubbed his face with his hand. “I know you still love him.”
There was no point in lying; she would always love Mantis, but that didn’t mean they could be together again. Both of them had said too many things they couldn’t take back. She’d given him an ultimatum, and he’d chosen the mission over her.
That’s just who Mantis was. From the day she’d met him at the United States Air Force Academy, he’d never wavered in his commitment to the military, and then to the CIA. She’d never been first with him, and she’d made it clear that if he wanted her in his life, he had to change his priorities. When he refused, Alegria knew if she didn’t end the relationship then, she never would. And she’d be miserable.
“I’m with you now. What I had with him is…over,” she told Dutch, who shook his head.
“I wish I could believe it was that simple.”
“Why are you angry with me?”
He ran one hand through his hair while he grasped her fingers with the other. “Because I saw what just happened. Worse, I felt it.”
“You didn’t stop him from leaving. If you don’t want to be with me, why didn’t you tell him so?”
Dutch shook his head. “I didn’t say I don’t want to be with you. As to why I didn’t stop Mantis from leaving, I can’t answer that. I guess it’s because as much as I care about him, I care about you too, and right now, you need me more.”
“I don’t want your pity.”
Dutch looked away from her. “What do you want?”
Alegria bit her lip. “I…I don’t know how to answer that.”
He turned back and met her gaze. “Ask me.”
“What?”
“Ask me what I want.”
“What do you want, Dutch?” she whispered.
“I want to believe that someday you’ll love me half as much as you love Mantis. Just half as much.”
Dutch got up and walked out, but Alegria knew he’d come back, and when he did, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to say anything that would convince him she could love him the way he wanted her to.
It wasn’t much better after Dutch brought her home from the hospital. If they talked at all, it inevitably ended in an argument.
They were both irritable. For her, the frustration of her body healing and being limited in what she could do was compounded by the effects of withdrawal from the pain medication she’d decided to wean herself from.
Her doctor had disagreed and told her it was too soon, but she knew her own body. She’d been trained to withstand far worse pain. She wasn’t just a pilot; she was a goddamn intelligence operative. There was no way she’d let something like this keep her down.
It was hard to believe it was only a few days ago that Dutch came to tell her he was leaving, and that now, he was God knew where, rescuing the man who hadn’t just been Alegria’s first love, but also Dutch’s best friend.
Out of nowhere, a chill traveled up her spine, leaving her unable to shake the feeling of dread it left in its wake.
“Manon…we need to talk,” Dutch said when she went to look for him and found him in the kitchen.