“I’m so happy to see you. I didn’t lie to you. I’d never lie to you. There were dolphin condoms both times. I realized I’ve been brainwashed over the years by all the things that have happened, and dating self-help books and all the dating advice and to think that a way to a man’s heart is to seem not very interested in him. That you mustn’t let a man know you fancy him in case he thinks you fancy him and…”
Of course the door to the actual flat was locked as well. Mark took out his credit card and simply slipped the lock.
“Yes, I think we need to look at some security issues here. You were saying?”
“I thought that you mustn’t let an old love know you still love him, in case he thinks you still love him.”
He went completely silent and still.
“Mark?”
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
“You love me?”
“Yes. And I’m really, simply, genuinely sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry.”
“But it was no more your fault than mine,” he said.
“No. It was my fault. Now I’m having a child, I realize—on that occasion and many other occasions—I didn’t need to react like a child.”
“Well, it wasn’t exactly like a child,” he said.
“Good point. Pretty drunk for a child.”
“That would be actually pretty alarming.” He smiled and picked up a bottle of wine. “Is this for the baby?”
“Mark, what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry that I hurt y…”
“But this has no logic, I hurt you too. We must both apo…”
“Look. Can I make the speech, please?” I said.
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry.”
“We’ve had that.”
“Mark, stop it. Listen. Stop being a barrister, stop being an alpha male, just be a person.”
He looked confused for a second, like his whole sense of self was collapsing again.
“It’s you I love,” I said. “Whatever happens, whatever you decide to do, it will always be you. I’ve lived quite a long time now. Of all the people I’ve met in the world in my quite long life, you are the most decent, the kindest, the most intelligent, the most sensitive, with the deepest soul.” I noticed he was looking slightly disappointed. “And also,” I added hurriedly, “the hottest, the most handsome, witty and charming.” He was starting to look really pleased now. “The most stylish! And the best, most amazing shag ever.” He was positively beaming. “You are the person I most love in all the world,” I went on, “apart from the baby, and it’s you that I really want from the depths of my heart to be the father to this baby.”
I thought for a second, “I mean, obviously, Shaz, Tom and Miranda say you have a poker up your arse and are anally retentive and avoidant, and you’re always talking about work, and always on the phone and…”
“…PERMANENTLY on the phone, stuck up, and snobbish, and emotionally stunted,” Mark added, sheepishly.
“But they’re completely wrong. The truth is I love you very much…”
“…with a few adjustments perhaps: Wittier? More spontaneous? More playful? More charming? More…?”