"At times, I think I do. And yet, at other times, he vexes and exasperates me so, I think that if I were a man, I could take a club to him and beat him senseless!"
Antonia laughed. "That sounds very much like love to me."
"Oh, and you know so much about it!"
"'You might be surprised at what I know," Antonia said slyly.
"You may be older, Elizabeth, but do not forget, I am the one who is married."
"Everyone is married," Elizabeth replied dismissively. "Marriage merely teaches a woman what it means to be a wife. I have not observed that marriage has much to teach a woman about love."
"Once married, a woman can learn to love her husband, even if she does not love him from the start," Antonia said with a shrug.
"I suppose that one can also learn to love a tonic of tart vinegar and scurvy-grass if one must drink it daily," Elizabeth replied dryly. "However, that still does not make it a pleasant-tasting brew."
"You shall make a fine spinster, methinks," Antonia replied.
"You already have the tongue for it. Here I am trying to help you with my best advice, and you abuse me for it."
"Forgive me, Antonia," Elizabeth said. "'Twas unkind of me, I know. I am simply in a dreadful humour. Perhaps 'tis my lot in life to be a spinster."
"Oh, what arrant nonsense," said Antonia. "You have had more than your share of suitors. And if you had not frightened all of them off with your shrewish tongue. and wilful manner, then you would have an army of them still. Why, you could have a husband at any time you chose, if only you would behave more amiably toward those who came to court you. The trouble with you is not a lack. of suitors. What you seem to want, Elizabeth, is what you cannot have."
"And what is that, do you suppose?"
"You want a man, but you want him only on your terms. What you want is a husband who is not a husband, one who is strong enough to tame you, but at the same time does not attempt to rein you in. You want a man with whom you can discourse as an equal, and to whom you do not owe obedience, unless it be your choice.
You want someone who can provide for you, but at the same time with whom you can feel passion." Antonia shook her head. "Elizabeth, my dear, you do not want a husband. 'What you want is a lover."
"Antonia! That is a scandalous thing to say!"
Antonia merely shrugged. "Nevertheless, 'tis true. 'Tis what you truly seem to want. And 'twould seem that Tuck. Smythe could be all of those things for you, save one. He could not provide for you. But then, you have your father to do that, at least for the present. Then, when he finally tires of supporting you and puts his foot down once and for all and insists upon your taking a husband, why then, rake one who can provide for you and does not make too many demands. And then keep Tuck as your secret lover."
"Antonia!" Elizabeth was shocked. "You cannot possibly be serious!"
"And why not, pray tell?"
"You mean that you would wish me to be unfaithful to my husband?" Elizabeth asked, astonished at the very suggestion.
"What I would wish is for you to be happy," Antonia replied calmly. "If you could find your happiness in being faithful to a husband, then I would wish no more for you. But if not, then I would wish for you to find some means whereby you might find the happiness you seek. I was merely suggesting one path that you could take. The choice is yours."
"Could…" Elizabeth hesitated and glanced at her friend askance. "Could you ever be unfaithful to Harry?"
Antonia laughed. "Oh, Elizabeth! Harry is my father's age, and
I am but eighteen! What do you think?"
Elizabeth stared at her friend as if seeing her for the first rime.
"You mean to say that… that you have…"
"Had a lover?" Antonia said, raising her eyebrows. "Aye, several."
"Several!"
"Well, two, to be exact," Antonia said. "Does that amaze you? Do you think less of me now that you know? Does it make you think I am a strumpet?"
"Nay, Antonia, I would never think that of you!" Elizabeth replied. "But in truth, I .. I do not know what to think!"