Her slacks are easy to remove as I slide them off her body. She is laying there, her bra still half on beneath her torn shirt, she looks scared. Before today I would have murmured assurances, whispered promises of pleasure in her ear. Now I don’t have them in me to give her.
She’s not posing, I know she isn’t, yet no centerfold has ever been as appealing as Alexa laying there in matching sheer black panties, her skin an olive tone glowing against the pure white of the comforter beneath her.
My hands aren’t steady as I reach out and slide the panties down her long legs. I cannot stop running my hands against the silk of her skin, finer than the expensive silk she is wearing. She does the shy thing again, closing her legs from my eyes. There is no gentle urging as I force her legs open to me. I am stunned to find her bare, completely smooth. The better to see her desire coating her lips, opening wide for me. Savage hunger surges through me. I fumble with the catch of my slacks and push them down.
I ignore the fear in her wide eyes, I know I’m large. At first, some women find my size uncomfortable, it will pass. In a move I will forever look back with shame on, I go down on my knees, widen her legs and surge into her in a hard, greedy push.
Jesus, she is so tight. Fuck, she is too tight. The yelp of pain that explodes from her runs down my spine like ice. Shit, shit, no. Consciousness rears its ugly head, I fight for control. Suspended above her, deep inside I’m telling myself any moment Alexa’s body will soften and accept me. Only as the seconds tick by it’s not happening. Alexa’s eyes are filled with tears.
It hits me then, like a fucking freight train. Everything I saw, everything she did that told me what I ignored because it was just so completely unbelievable. “Are you a virgin?”
She chokes back a sob as she nods. I recoil as if she struck me, moving off her, even pulling out causes her pain. Sonofabitch. I did not do this. I did not hurt her. Yet as I look down at her, I did. I have never touched a woman in anger, I have never sought to humiliate, I have never cared more for my own pleasure. Today I did. Today I ruined a moment for a woman that should have been filled with pleasure, a memory she should be able to cherish will only be filled with pain, no matter what she had done, she did not deserve what I did.
Like a coward, I flee before I fall on my knees and beg forgiveness that I do not deserve.
15
Alexa
Long after the front door to my condo slams closed behind Leo, I still can’t move. The pain slowly dies to be replaced by a frozen numbness. I’m not sure I’ll ever forget the horror and shame on Leo’s face. Just thinking of it has me rolling off the bed to escape it. I wish I could blame Leo like he’s obviously doing, only it wasn’t his fault.
Well, maybe a little considering how large he is, he must have known he needed to go a little more slowly. In my lack of experience, I believed my body was ready for him, I wanted him so badly. I’m not sure if it was the sudden fear at the size of him or him pushing so hard so fast that caused my body to fight him. All I know is once it happened the pain was so immense I couldn’t relax, and the pain wouldn’t go away.
Turning on the shower as hot as I can take it I get in and stand under the stream. I’ve messed up everything. The one thing he wanted from me and I wanted to give him, I couldn’t get right. Now the tears come. I don’t fight them. I thought I was prepared for how badly Leo would react. I didn’t come close. Leo hated me. Every word he spoke was like a knife into my chest. He would never believe in me, felt he could never trust me again. The one thing most valuable to him, his trust in me, was broken.
Felix is meowing his head off in a constant loop. I turn off the water and grab a towel. I step out of the shower to find Leo waiting, leaning against the vanity. I’m so surprised I step back and almost fall. Leo’s hand shoots out to grab me and keeps me standing until I find my balance. The minute both my feet are safely on the ground he lets me go. I can’t believe I’m shy all over again as I wrap the towel around me.
His face as hard as if it were hewn from stone, he hands me a box.
I’m confused until I look closer. Plan B, closing my eyes in shame, I nod. “I was right then? You aren’t protected.”
“No.”
He hands me a bottle of water. Oh, for fucks sake. “Two minutes, Leo, two fucking minutes. I’ll take the damn pill. I’ll take twenty of them because I don’t want to deal with that kind of repercussion any more than you do but I want to get dressed and dried off.”
His only response is a lift of that damn eyebrow. He takes the box back and walks out of the bathroom. I hate him.
My bathroom is connected to my bedroom through one door, and another door goes out to the living room. I take the door to my bedroom and close both doors. In my room, I grab the first things that come to hand. A loose black silk shirt and black yoga pants, not bothering with any underwear, wanting the next few minutes over with as quickly as possible.
Going out to the living room I find Leo in the kitchen. He’s gotten into my scotch and is sipping at an overfull tumbler. He pushes the box toward me. I open it and push the small pill out from the foil blister. I open the bottle of water and swallow it down. My legs are still shaky, I hope I walk straighter than it feels like I do to the couch before sinking down. I’m reminded with the discomfort of what happened. I don’t say anything, refuse to.
I hear the clink of glass on the granite countertop. Then I hear him moving toward me but don’t look up. “I am sorry for what I did. It should not have happened that way for you, not for any woman. I am not going to ask you to forgive me because it was unforgivable. I have questions. However, no answer excuses what I did—this.”
The quiet, intense sorrow in his voice is making it hard not to cry. “Leo, stop it. It’s not your fault, none of it is. I was right with you, every step of the way. Maybe you could have been more,” I’m blushing like some stupid little girl. “I don’t know, gentle but I didn’t want gentle. I’ve never been with a guy, but I have used, you know, um before, I’ve...”
“You’ve used a vibrator.” He saves me.
I nod, not able to look at him. “If you had asked me I wouldn’t have told you to stop. I believed I was ready for, you know. I’m not blaming you. If you want to fall on your sword, have at it, but I’m not going to push you on it.”
He’s quiet for so long I break down and look up at him. His head is down looking at Felix who is batting at his shoelaces. He’s so beautiful. I can’t stop staring at him, terri
fied this is the last time I’ll ever see him. Without warning his eyes meet mine and hold, refusing to let me look away. He takes a few steps toward me. His finger runs down my cheek then over my lips so slowly I feel every ridge detail tracing over me. “Why were you still a virgin?”
I knew this question was coming, I’m still not ready for it. His eyes don’t let me go, refuse to let me hide. “My father, he had some crazy ideas he put into my head. He drummed it into me that I was special, he told me that I was a treasure and only someone who recognized that and treated me like the treasure I am, deserved me.”
I pull away. I can’t look at him. A bitter laugh comes out of me at just how absurd what my father said seems now. “By the time I realized what he was saying were the ramblings of a man who saw with his heart and not his eyes...I don’t know. There were men who appealed but only until I got to know them better. I kind of gave up, I was more comfortable alone. I didn’t miss what I never had.”
Leo tips me back to look up at him. I don’t know what he sees, but the moment he makes up his mind, is clear on his face. “I am going to London tomorrow, alone. You will stay behind, while I figure out what to do with you.”