She’s shaking her head. “It’s my body to give to whoever I want, whenever I want. How the hell would it be any different than me losing my virginity in some cramped backseat to some grubby, pimple-faced teenager?”
“Because it wouldn’t have been me. I cannot give you the things you deserve.”
“What the fuck exactly do I deserve? Shouldn’t I be the one to decide?”
“A man who will give you everything you ask for.”
“All I’m asking for is a night of being fucked long and hard until I’m exhausted so I can finally sleep. Are you saying you aren’t up to it?”
Her flippancy grates. “If I were to go to your bed, I’d ensure you’d be so exhausted you would sleep for weeks when I was done with you. Are you being willfully ignorant? Your first lover should be someone who could not just fuck you but make love to you—there is a difference. I cannot make love to you as you deserve.”
“You’re such a liar. You’re too afraid you might actually feel something and be vulnerable. Okay, I can never in my life imagine what it was like to go through what you went through with your parents, but I do know what’s it’s like to live your life holding yourself away from everyone to keep from getting hurt—and fuck, it’s lonely. I’m tired of doing it. I’m choosing to live life instead of just watching it go by. I don’t want or need your love; all I want is to be fucked, and if you aren’t willing to put out, then get the fuck out.”
She just doesn’t get it, and nothing I say will make her understand. This isn’t about protecting myself—it’s about protecting her. While I still can, I walk away.
9
Alicia
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. Throwing myself down on the bed, I scream into my pillow. The man who has fucked so many women I stopped counting because it hurt my fucking head to think of it refused to fuck me. He said he didn’t want me, yet his body said something very different. Is he turned on by any willing woman? It didn’t seem like it that night when he whispered those dirty things as he pressed his hard cock into me. Was it really because I’m a virgin? I’m so confused. None of this is how Lydia said it would go. Then I cringe as I remember I hadn’t told her I was a virgin.
I’m kind of hating Jeanine and Dante right now. There’s only one way Cesare could have known for sure I’m a virgin. Jeanine blabbed to Dante, who for some insane fucking reason felt the need to tell Cesare. And now even though he wanted me he was pushing me away. I’m so confused.
***
Alicia
I’m on the train to work when the call comes from Lydia. I consider letting it go to voice mail except I find myself answering. “How did last night go?”
I blush all over again remembering it all. Thankfully, the few people around me have earbuds in, but I still lower my voice. “Not well. I failed to mention I’m kind of a virgin. I didn’t think after all this time he would be able to tell, so I didn’t think it was worth mentioning. He found out because Jeanine told Dante. Cesare says he doesn’t do virgins because of some stupid bullshit. It’s was a complete disaster. I’m done. I can’t take all this drama.”
“Alicia, holy crap, leaving out the virgin thing was kind of a big deal. Yeah, Cesare is going to run a mile as fast as he can from you. Don’t you remember me telling you he’s an honorable man? He probably thinks he should offer you marriage before he even takes you to bed. If you hadn’t been a virgin, he would have slowly come around, but now he has to come around before you two even leave the starting line. Don’t give up so easily. I’m going to admit, game playing is dangerous. However, it’s the quickest way to push Cesare to admit his feelings. Are you up for it?”
God, I’m so pathetic. “What do I do?”
As I go up in the elevator, I try desperately to think of a single guy like Lydia described. While there is Decker, he’s not an option as he’s a client. There’s only one guy at work. He had done three out of the four things Lydia described, which meant he was interested in me. He’s a nice guy, I guess. I barely remember what he looks like. I do remember his name is Wyatt because he pronounced it a little oddly.
He had hung around my desk a few times after meeting with Dante or Cesare. We often went into the break room at the same time for lunch. A few times he got talkative and invited me to eat with him. Politely, I made an excuse to get back to my desk.
Dang it, I know nothing about flirting. This is going to be a disaster. I don’t have long to try and figure out what to do because he’s talking to Debbie as the doors of the elevator open. His face lights up into a smile when he sees me. Now I get it. I force a smile. This is wrong, so wrong. “Hey Wyatt, how are you?”
“I’m good, better now that I see your pretty face first thing in the morning. Hey, I had plans to take a client out for lunch today only his kid is sick. Care to join me at Vishi, the new Japanese fusion restaurant?”
“That sounds great. I’ve heard great things about it.” Liar, I hate pretentious fusion restaurants.
“Great, swing by your desk at twelve thirty?”
“I look forward to it.” My face hurts from smiling.
“See you then.” His hand goes up on my arm. I hate it but try not to shrug him off.
I walk away, right into Cesare. His eyes are burning into me. He says nothing. His eyes flick to Wyatt’s back then to me. Without a word, he continues down the hall. I make it to my desk on unsteady legs.
Dante is busy with a deal with a whale of a client and out of the office. When Cesare goes into his office, he’s careful not to look my way.
Hannah is happy to hear I’m going out for lunch until she asks who I’m going with. When I tell her Wyatt, she shakes her head and tells me she hopes I know what I’m doing.
The lunch is everything I thought it would be. Wyatt is eager, he talks the whole way through, barely needing more than a few murmurs of encouragement from me. I study him; he is good-looking, he’s also charming, and it’s easy to understand his success as an agent. There’s also not a single spark between us. When he walks me to my desk, I force another smile as I thank him for lunch. “I had a good time. How about dinner tonight? There’s a great pho place only a block from me.”