Her voice is soft yet firm. It reminds me of the therapist from childhood. “Kate, I wanted to see the both of you because I’m concerned. I shared my concern with Trey, but as his alpha, king-of-the-world persona is very strong, he shrugged off my concerns. So I want to share them with you and hear what you have to say for yourself.
My concern is why you are doing this. This can only truly work if you are here for you and not Trey. Yes, Trey cares very much about you, but if this isn’t really about you wanting to do this, then it won’t work. Why do you want to see me?”
Trey is tense beside me, and I don’t look at him. I’m still trying to sort out the exact reason myself. So I just say what’s been swirling around in my head: “Yes, I want to do this for Trey. I want to be the woman he deserves to have. Someone as strong as him; someone who isn’t broken and messed up. I want to do this for him because although he has helped me so much in so many big and small ways, it isn’t fair or right to put all of it on him to make me whole again. I want to do this for me because I’m afraid I’ll lose him if I don’t, and the idea of being without him is so painful it hurts just to breathe. I’m doing this for me because I’m tired of the fears, of the nightmares, of almost having a panic attack when a man gets within five feet of me without invitation. Yes, I’m doing this for him, but I’m also doing it for me.”
She leans back and studies me for seconds that stretch to minutes. “All right. I would like to continue, then. Although Trey and I have spoken in terms of what he went through with his late wife and how he dealt with that, you are not his late wife. I want you both to be aware of the way I work. For the first two, maybe three sessions, we will simply go through talk therapy, and I will be taking you through the times of abuse. I need to know those that were the most intense and, yes, painful. For those I will use EMDR therapy. EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. What it really means is we are going to take those painful and often violent memories and we are going to file them away properly. For years you jammed them in the file cabinet of your brain and just tried to slam the door shut. Now we have to go in and take them out and file them so that the door closes properly and nothing comes bursting out without warning. After those sessions especially, you will be more upset. I will always try and take you out of it completely, but it still leaves patients ultra-sensitive and upset.
There is also something I would like to discuss with you both. For the next few weeks I want you to abstain from sex, of all kinds.” I open my mouth to protest, she shakes her head. “Kate, this isn’t a power play or a test. This is a very important and experienced condition I am asking you both to commit to. It’s not going to be easy, none this will be, please trust I know what I’m doing, and it’s for a very good reason. During this time I would like you work on expressing your affection and care for Trey in ways that have no sexual aspect to them.”
It takes a moment to process her instructions. In that time Trey kisses my forehead and I hear the door close, but I’m not really taking anything in. “I’ve never been able to do that before, show affection without believing it will lead to sex. He’s held my hand in public, but I have never reached for his hand.”
Finally, I look up and see she’s nodding. She reaches for a pad and pen on the desk beside her. “That’s a part of the condition. It’s condit
ioning, training yourself to think outside of your norms. A large part of the therapy will be dealing with your past, the other part will be learning the habits that you have developed to deal with the abuse aren’t always healthy. Sex is a good thing it helps lay a foundation of binding a couple, and is often an expression of caring, but when that’s all a couple has holding it together, it isn’t strong enough to get them through the changing and rough times that come to them.”
“How long do you think we should not have sex?”
“A few weeks for certain, until we are beyond the EMDR therapy. Trey has you down for two sessions a week, scheduled so far for the next three weeks. I believe you will need another three weeks at least, maybe more. We’ll evaluate together how you are doing and see about going from there.”
“He already scheduled me?”
“Yes, he’s very thorough.” Her smile tells me she’s come up against his hard will.
“He mentioned you were the best in your field. How did he get me scheduled so often on such short notice?”
“I first saw him as a patient over a year ago, to help him deal with his issues with his wife’s death. There was some hope I could explain away what she had gone through, and I think help mitigate his resentment. At the time he wanted an appointment and wasn’t willing to wait.
He made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. My work is mainly unpaid or dealing with children of the state, so I took him up on his offer. He came to see me a few weeks ago to discuss your situation and we spoke then. At the time he warned me that I might need to clear my schedule for you. With a large retainer, I believe that’s the word he used, I agreed.”
With a shiver, I understand. Trey’s force of nature isn’t to be argued with. Looking up, I see her studying me. “So he already talked to me about you?”
“He gave me the bare facts. His concern was how to handle you without driving you away. As it was obvious he cared about you and it was more about you than him, I gave him the best advice I could without knowing all the facts. Does that bother you?”
Shaking my head, I smile. “It doesn’t. It is so completely Trey that I shouldn’t be the slightest bit surprised. If it had been to control or manipulate me, then I would be very pissed. But that’s the thing about Trey, nothing has ever been about him. It’s all been about how to help and understand me. And like I said before, that’s why I want to do this. Now it’s my turn to learn to take care of myself.”
“I’m glad you can see that. You are lucky to have someone as loving and supportive as Trey is, and he’s lucky you are as strong as you are. Not all women who have gone through what you have are willing to sit where you are. It’s easier to lock it all away and try to throw away the key, but it doesn’t work.”
Nodding, I understand, and I’m ready.
Her next question is expected, that doesn’t make it any easier. The beginning, how did it all start? Taking a deep breath, I start talking.
Chapter Ten
A soft beeping intrudes on my sniffling, I know it signifies the end of the session. and I want to start crying again in gratitude. Trey is there, and he’s got an arm around me, and I’m leaning heavily on him. They are talking, but I don’t make anything out all, losing myself in the feel of safety at being back in his arms. Gently, he guides me to the car and opens the door. When he gets in he has to put my seatbelt on, and the drive home is lost as I struggle to stop crying.
“No, sweetheart. Cry until you can’t anymore. Don’t try to stop and contain it. We’re almost home.” When we get there, he picks me up out of the car and carries me inside.
Slowly, the tears begin to die. A box of tissues appears, and he wipes my face clean. We’re on the sofa in the living room. I’m curled on his lap and I don’t want to move. A few embarrassing blows are all I allow myself before resting my head back on his shoulder.
“Do you want to take a nap? Rest for a little while?”
“Dear god no. No sleep.” The answer comes out fast.
“Afraid of nightmares? Okay, no sleep until you’re ready. The movers have been here and left your things upstairs. The other boxes full of your books are in the study. Do you want to unpack and make this place more your home now?”
“What about my studio? My lease doesn’t end for another four months.”
“That’s been taken care of. I meant it, baby, I’m not letting you go, so maybe you should try and make your new home more your own.” His tone is serious, only slightly teasing.