“No, he did. It’s mine. Well, once he finds someone to replace Rebecca. I’m filling in until he does. He doesn’t think it should be much longer than a week or two. Even that feels like a prison sentence though.”
Her gasp is loud in my ear. “Oh my god, that is amazing. When you get back, we have to celebrate. Your treat, now that you have baller status. Two nights out in a week; the bartender will be so shocked he might even give you a drink on the house. I’m telling you he likes you. I don’t know why you don’t believe me.”
“My treat.” She’s bought me way more drinks than I ever have for her over the last two years. “Whatever, dude is a certifiable manwhore, he’s like that with everyone. It’s called earning better tips.”
“Yeah, yeah, he’d still show you a good time if you wanted. Which you totally should. It won’t make you a dirty whore, no matter what your Abuelo says.”
Again with this. I wish I hadn’t admitted to her that I hadn’t been with anyone since Brandon and I didn’t even miss it. I got the vibrator only a week later. She also urges me to hook up with someone almost every time we go out. “The last thing I need right now is to add another man to my problems. I screwed up.”
“How did you screw up?”
I’m such a loser. Since it’s all on me it’s weird how easy it is to admit it now. Probably because it’s over the phone and I can’t see her laughing at me. “I kind of went gaga and stupid over Ivan. I made an idiot of myself and he had to go and do the being-an-ass thing to push me away. You know, the whole ‘don’t fall for me, fatty, I don’t want anything to do with you.’”
“Christina, ah, damn girl. I’m sorry. Hey, don’t beat yourself up. You are not the only one, at all. The only reason Denise is in her position is because the last two HR heads got all heart eyes and made pests of themselves, and one of them was a dude. Ivan went through no less than four different personal assistants before he found Tim and Rebecca.
“One of the women threatened a sexual harassment lawsuit because he turned her down and fired her. The thing that saved him was their conversation was recorded for dictation. He’s been through it all. Hell, rumor has it even Rebecca, married Rebecca, offered herself up for tension relief if he should ever wish. She got a stiff-ass reprimand that if she ever said anything like it ever again, she would be fired in a blink of the eye.”
“How the hell do you know all this?”
She laughs. “Girl, I can’t tell you my sources. All I’m going to say is there are more chatty Cathys in our company than you know. If you weren’t all anti-social you’d know too.”
“Hm, I doubt that.” I had told her some of the freeze-out I had received but didn’t want to sound like I was whining, so I didn’t tell her everything.
“So yeah, I guess he just wants to make sure he doesn’t have to worry about a harassment lawsuit if he takes you up on your offer. Or being accused of anything else from other employees. You are going from being Simon’s personal assistant to having his job after filling in for Rebecca. From the outside it could look like there were some shenanigans going on for you to get such a cushy job.”
“Shenanigans?” I laugh.
“I love that word. Abuela heard it from her bingo peeps and now everything I get up to is shenanigans. You, girl, you are the farthest from ever getting up to shenanigans. The thing is Ivan doesn’t know that. So he’s just keeping his hands as clean as possible. I know it’s hard and hurts, but try not to let it get to you.”
“You’re right. It’s not fair one man can be so rich, gorgeous, and brilliant. But he’s also a mean bastard. Like just a huge dick.”
Anna laughs, it’s infectious. “Girl, I have heard his dick is huge too. His exes say he’s worth all the trouble.”
Why am I not surprised Ivan is big? I now get the phrase “big dick energy”—the man is filled to the brim with it. Why does it make me clench my legs in anticipation? “You are crazy.”
“If you would just use the damn vibrator I got you I swear you wouldn’t be having all these dirty, lustful thoughts about the man.”
I blush until I swear I’m going to pass out. “Shut up.”
“No, you shut up. Fine, you’re all scared your Abuelo will hear you. You’re in a hotel room where no one is going to disturb you. Pull up some dirty stories and let your fingers do the walking. You do know where your clit is, don’t you?”
I read romance, but not those romances. It’s usually the historical ones where things fade to black which I’m more than content with. “I’m hanging up now. Goodnight, Anna.”
“I promise you if you do it, you won’t have lustful thoughts about Ivan.”
“You’re lying.” It can’t be that easy, can it?
A mean giggle. “No, I’m not. Do the deed, answer the need and it goes away. You only want what you can’t have or aren’t getting. Give yourself a few orgasms, and you won’t be gasping for Ivan to give you one. I know what I’m talking about.
“I’m going to shoot you some stories. God, I love technology. You can read smutty awesome porn that looks like it’s any old romance novel. These are quickies, they’ll take you less than twenty minutes to read. Enjoy a few of them and once the juices start flowing, keep rubbing until you see stars.”
“Your Abuela would wash your mouth out with soap,” I mutter as I cover my burning face with a pillow even as I’m wondering if she’s right.
“Um, hello? Where do you think I learned how to do it? Abuela’s the one who helped me pick out your vibrator.”
I jackknife up, I really don’t believe her now. “You are such a liar.”
She laughs loud. “My mom got pregnant with me when she was fifteen, one of my tias got pregnant at sixteen and the other, thank god, didn’t get pregnant but Abuela found her going at it when she was fourteen. Abuela was all hell no, she didn’t want any more babies popping out.