Her body went limp against my arms.
I let go.
She didn’t move, just continued to float. “Just warn me when you let go.”
“Okay.” I laughed. “I’m going to let go, alright?”
She tensed and already began to sink as her body folded in half. I grabbed her before she did sink and pulled her into my arms. “Your first lesson is in fear.”
“Huh?” Her hands were pressed against my chest.
“You were floating on your own for around fifteen seconds before I told you I was going to let go. The minute I said I was going to let go, you braced yourself for sinking — your mind failed, therefore your body failed.”
Kiersten made a face and looked away. “So basically I sabotaged myself.”
“Basically.” I grinned, loving how she was holding her bottom lip hostage between her teeth. “You can’t go into things with the mindset of already failing. Being fearful isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”
“Right.” She clenched her eyes shut and crossed her arms. “I get what you’re saying, I just don’t know how to control it. Every time I see the water or a pool I start to shake. I freak, thinking the same thing’s going to happen to me that happened to my parents. Yes, I know it’s illogical, but the fear is still there.”
“Fear…” I uncrossed her arms and linked my fingers with hers. “Is what makes us feel alive. Fear causes our blood vessels to constrict, and then the amygdala, a tiny almond shaped part of our brain, sends signals to our nervous system. The signal says run or fight.”
“I say run.” Kiersten laughed humorlessly.
“Right.” I tugged her closer to my body. “That’s how we keep ourselves from getting eaten by wild animals We need a fight or flight system in our body. I mean, can you imagine living in a world without fear?”
“We’d all die.”
“Exactly.” I chuckled. “People would be jumping off buildings thinking they could fly, so like I said fear isn’t a bad thing.”
“Wait.” She tried to push against my chest as I pulled her into the deep end with me. “What are you doing? I can’t swim, remember?”
“I know,” I whispered. “But I can.”
“But—”
I ignored her. “Fear can be your ally. You can do something afraid.”
“Do something afraid?”
“Yes.” I swam until my legs burned, holding her up in my arms. “For example, I may be afraid of kissing you or afraid of losing you. I may be afraid that when I close my eyes you won’t be here in my arms anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to hold on to you for dear life. I’m living proof that living afraid — is the way to go. You push forward, you fight the demons, you keep moving. Fear tries to paralyze you, to keep you from moving. It stops success, it stops progress — when you do things afraid, you’re still accomplishing your goals, only you’re doing it knowing that you are truly conquering the Everest in your life. So your parents died.” I flinched. I hadn’t meant to sound so blunt. But I pushed on. “So you could die too.”
Her sharp intake of breath nearly made me release her as she fought against me.
“You could die crossing the street.”
Kiersten still fought me.
“You could choke on that bad ass turkey Melda’s making.”
Tears began to form in her eyes.
“You can let your fears control you, or you can control your fears. Never for one second believe the lie that you don’t have a choice.”
Kiersten shook in my arms, her fingers digging into my biceps like little nails getting pounded into my flesh. “What about you?” she asked in a fear-stricken voice. “What are you afraid of? What’s your biggest fear?”
I should have looked away.
I should have lied.