I thought everything was over with… until the threats started again. They reminded me of who I’d been, and the crappy thing about that reminder? Suddenly you realize that somewhere along the way, you never really changed, just exchanged one life for another without ever really dealing with the past. I’d pushed it so far back into my consciousness that I’d slipped into denial. And if there’s anything scarier than fear, it’s denial… because when you can’t face the trut
h, you’re left with nothing. —Lisa
Lisa
I DIDN’T TALK to the girls the whole way home. Kiersten kept trying to cheer me up while Saylor rubbed my arm. But I didn’t want them talking to me. I didn’t want them touching me. I didn’t want someone saying it was going to be okay. See, that’s the worst thing you can do to a girl. Say it’s going to be okay when she knows it’s not, when she’s knows that the only real ending to the story is heartache.
“Do you want us to stay with you?” Kiersten asked after pulling up to the dorms.
It was on the tip of my tongue to say yes out of habit, but I just wanted to be alone, and, in that moment, being alone totally trumped the fear that someone was able to sneak into my room. Besides, Jack hadn’t seen a thing and had Gabe seen anything on the cameras, he sure wouldn’t have let me go back. I made a mental note to send him a text in the morning. Right now, I was too pissed to even think about talking to him or Wes. And Tristan? Well, I was heartbroken.
Simply put, he’d encouraged me to trust again, and he’d made me fall for him knowing full-well that I was going to get burned. But he’d let me anyway. That wasn’t love. Love isn’t the expectation that eventually you’ll end up in heartache; it’s the expectation that you can fully trust another human being with everything and still hope for a happy ending.
He’d destroyed that by not telling me who he was.
I was never one of those girls who allowed emotions to control my actions I think that was why Taylor had chosen me in the first place so I wasn’t stupid. Part of me understood why Tristan had done it, but that didn’t make me feel any less hurt or devastated.
What kind of relationship could we have if he was constantly trying to protect me from things? That wasn’t love. That was control. And I was tired of control.
So tired.
“I’m good.” I waved at the girls. “Thanks though. I’ll see you later.”
“Lisa…” Kiersten gripped my wrist. “You don’t have to be alone… not tonight. You can come stay with us.”
“Or us,” Saylor agreed.
Kiersten tugged her lower lip with her teeth. “I just — I don’t feel good about leaving you in that room alone.”
“It’s fine.” I gently removed her hand. “Besides, what else can happen to me?”
Saylor and Kiersten shared a look.
“It’s fine,” I repeated, meeting their uneasy gazes with what I hoped was more assurance than I actually felt. “I shouldn’t live in fear. Right, Kiersten?”
“No,” she said slowly. “But I do think there’s wisdom in being cautious.”
I pulled out my pepper spray and Taser. “I’m cautious. Promise.”
“Call us…” Kiersten’s eyes reflected worry. “At least call us in the morning so we know you’re okay.”
“Right.” I forced a smile that felt totally foreign, given the circumstances, and got out of the car.
My legs may as well have been full of sand as I shuffled to the dorm. The wind picked up, fluffing my hair and sending it flying around my face. I could have sworn I heard someone say my name again… just like the day before. I quickly turned around, but nothing unusual was there. Just people walking and talking, and, of course, the trees next to my building.
Don’t be ridiculous, Lisa, I scolded, and let myself in. The stairs nearly overwhelmed me as I slowly trudged up them, carrying the proverbial weight of the world on my shoulders. My heart, my chest was heavy. I felt like crying, but I wasn’t sure if it was because I was ashamed or because Tristan had hurt me so deeply.
When I finally reached my door, Jack was leaning against it.
“Jack?” I squinted. “What are you doing here?”
“Leaving you a note.” He pulled a slip of paper from his pocket. “But now that I can hand deliver it… here.”
I accepted it then read the inscription to myself: Do you like me? Circle yes or no.
I burst out laughing. “If you’re trying to cheer me up, it’s working.”
He joined in laughter and then tilted his head. “Something bothering you?”