I push both my hands towards the front of his pants. I stroke his long, hard cock through the fabric. "I want this so much."
His hands leap to my face again. "One taste of you will ruin us both. I can't let myself hurt you."
"Caleb,'" I say his name softly as I pull back to look into his eyes. I want him. I've never wanted anything in my life more than I want him but I won't beg. His resistance is real. I not only hear it, but I feel it in his kiss and touch. "Tell me to go if you don't want me."
"It's not that simple." His hands press into my cheeks. "I want you so much. I crave you, Bell."
I try to break free of his touch but he holds steady, keeping his eyes locked on mine.
"I want to push
you against that wall and fuck you." He nods his chin towards the wall behind us. "I want to feel you around me. I want to be inside of you."
"Do it," I challenge. "Fuck me, Caleb."
"Shit." His hands fall from my face. "Don't say that. I can't hear that."
It shouldn't be this complicated. The man says he wants me. His body is screaming it and yet he keeps pulling back. "Tell me what you want."
"I want you," he says the words so quickly they meld together. "I want you."
"I'm right here." I smooth my hands over my chest. "You can have me right now."
The tortured look on his face speaks volumes to me before he even opens his mouth. He's fighting a battle within himself. It's a battle born from his desire for my body versus his need for my friendship. "I need you so much. You mean everything to me. I try to control it but sometimes I can't. Today… now… I just couldn't stop but I have to."
I feel the tears barreling through me before they hit my eyes. I wipe my face hoping that will quiet the pain that I feel over the stark realization that regardless of how much he wants me, he'll never take me. "You don't want to make love to me, do you, Caleb?"
I cringe at the shaky sound of my own voice as I say the words. They sound pitiful and hopeless. They're the words of a woman who wants a man so much that she's willing to trade every ounce of her self-worth just to crawl into bed with him. That's not who I am. It's never been who I am.
He bites his bottom lip as he rubs his hand over the back of his neck. "You are the only woman I want to make love to. You're also the only friend I have. I can't risk losing that. I can't."
I can't find words to say in response. I just stare at him wishing I had followed my better judgement and gone home after seeing Gabriel.
"I destroy the people I love." He inhales sharply. "I caused my parent's divorce, I almost ruined Asher's life, I've damaged my relationship with Gabriel and I broke Vena completely. I can't do that to you."
Hearing him say Vena's name jars something within me. It pulls me back to the time when they got engaged and the hope that was there in his eyes. I haven't seen that again. It's gone just as that uncontrollable feeling of desire for him that owned my body not more than five minutes is gone. "I need to go. I need some space. Time, maybe… I can't be your friend right now."
He doesn't respond. There's no effort to stop me as I pick up my purse and walk away.
Chapter 29
"If Libby didn't need me here, I'd be on that plane with you." Graham rummages through my dresser drawer. "I like this one. You should take it."
I turn to see him holding a very small white bikini top in his hand. "I haven't worn that in years. I doubt that I'd fit into it now."
"It's perfect then." He smiles broadly as he fishes the matching bottoms from the depths of the drawer. "There are all kinds of single men in the Hamptons at this time of year. You can dazzle them with your body in this."
"I'll more likely be flashing them my body if I wear that." I nod towards the drawer. "There's a black one piece in there that I'll take."
"Like hell you will," he snaps back. "It's bikinis only. I've seen you naked, Rowan. Damn, you're fine."
I arch a brow as I turn my head to look directly at him. "You've never seen me naked."
"I have," he counters. "You were walking around the apartment in the buff one day when you thought I was out. I saw it all."
I blush from the knowledge that he saw me completely nude. "That makes everything awkward."
He throws back his head in laughter. "It does not. Your body does nothing for me. Nothing."