Helen shuddered. ‘It wasn’t. And you see, that’s another thing. In any future marriage I may or may not have I won’t want children to be a part of it.’
‘They aren’t necessary to me if you’re so against it.’
She gave a wan smile. ‘Your mother doesn’t feel the same way.’
‘You wouldn’t be marrying my mother,’ Leon said dryly. ‘And who’s to say you won’t change your mind about kids in a couple of years’ time? I may be thirty-four, but you’re young enough to wait another ten years or so if you want to. It isn’t the father’s age that matters in these things.’
She didn’t want to wait, she had to, and for ever. When she had lost the baby they had told her that medically it was highly unlikely she would ever be able to have another child. She hadn’t understood all the medical jargon, she hadn’t needed to; their meaning had been clear enough.
And that was why, even though Leon told her he loved her, and she knew she loved him in return, it wouldn’t be fair of her to marry him. Now he was so much in love, or thought he was, that he would accept anything to get her to marry him, but later on, when the excitement of first passion had passed, he would want a family. And she couldn’t give it to him, she couldn’t give that to any man. Considering she had only known Michael a matter of a few months he had pretty well managed to ruin the whole of her life for her.
‘Does it have to be marriage, Leon?’ she asked him huskily, unable to meet the look in his eyes.
He frowned. ‘What are you saying now? That you want an affair, is that it?’
‘It’s what you had in mind to start with,’ she reminded him.
‘I’ve already told you that it wasn’t. And I don’t want an affair now either.’
‘Marriage or nothing?’
‘That’s right,’ he agreed grimly.
Helen wrung her hands together. ‘Then it will have to be nothing.’
Leon made an explosive sound in his throat. ‘You’re honestly telling me that you would prefer an affair to marrying me, you who’ve always been terrified of sex and all it entails? Or is it just that marriage frightens you more?’
‘Yes.’ She gratefully accepted this explanation, erroneous though it might be. A man like Leon would want a family, and would eventually come to resent her when he realised it wasn’t even a possibility. Better that he shouldn’t know the truth, he would only deny its importance to him.
‘Even a marriage without the complication of a physical relationship?’
‘Any sort of marriage.’
He looked at her with narrowed eyes. ‘If you’re willing to have an affair with me then you must feel something for me.’
‘No,’ she lied firmly. ‘I’ve just realised that I have to accept a physical relationship one day. You’re experienced, Leon, you would know exactly how to make love to me and coax me to enjoy it. Why shouldn’t I choose someone accomplished as my lover?’ she queried lightly. ‘Someone like you.’
The pain of his fingers landing stingingly on her cheek was as nothing to the pain the contempt clearly written in his eyes was causing deep inside her. ‘Stop talking like a slut!’ he rasped harshly. ‘I don’t want to be your lover, I want to be your husband.’
Helen shook her head. ‘I’m sorry…’
His tawny eyes were hard and unyielding. ‘You aren’t sorry at all. Oh, get out of my sight, there’s nothing more to be said between us.’ He turned away from her, the rigidness of his muscular back forbidding.
‘Leon, I—’
‘I said, get out,’ he snapped. ‘Go and find some other man to taunt the hell out of. I’ve had it as far as you’re concerned.’
‘But you said—’
‘Forget what I said,’ he grated. ‘I’m sure you’ll find plenty of other men only too willing to take what you suddenly find so easy to give. My God, how you’ve changed!’ He gave a short bitter laugh. ‘From frightened child to wanton in a matter of days,’ he scorned.
She supposed he had the right to insult her, she must have hurt him unbearably. But that didn’t make her own pain any the less. ‘Blame your own experience for that.’ She forced herself to act casually.
His hands clenched into fists at his sides. Suddenly he turned on his heel and slammed into his bedroom.
Helen almost collapsed with the relief of his going. If he had tried to so much as kiss her again she would have been unable to hide her love for him.
Their goodbyes the next morning were stilted and hardly polite. If only it didn’t have to be this way!