’Now I go alone.’
‘And what do 1 do?’
‘I wish 1 could tell you. I don’t think I can give you much more time, Helen, not if it’s going to happen the way you want it to. So while I’m away you either make up your mind to accept a relationship between us—or you run away again.’
‘And if I run away?’
Leon shrugged. ‘Then I can’t help you. You’re slowly destroying me, Helen, and it has to stop. If you leave I may not be able to forget you, but at least I’ll get back my self-respect, something wanting you has taken away from me.’
‘Oh, Leon!’ She took an involuntary step towards him.
‘Don’t come near me!’ he snapped a warning. ‘Not right now.’
‘I’m sorry…’
‘Don’t be sorry, Helen.’ He gave a bitter smile. ‘Just grow up and wise up. One man’s body may be very like another, but it’s the feelings behind the action that count. I was making love to you last night, not violating you. But if you can’t come to accept that, we might as well call an end to this—this farce. Think it over while I’m away.’
‘I did want you last night, Leon. 1 just—I couldn’t go through with it.’
He stood up in an impatient movement. ‘Let me know when you can—not think you can, but really believe you can. I can’t go through another let-down like last night. I’m going to the studio now, although what the hell good I’m going to be in this state…’ He collected his jacket from his bedroom. ‘See you later. I won’t kiss you, I’m not sure I have my feelings enough under control to risk it.’
‘Oh.’ Helen bit her lip.
‘Don’t look so worried. You have a few weeks to sort yourself out.’ He left abruptly.
If she didn’t sort herself out she would lose him—that was the threat behind his words. Her thoughts were a mass of contradictions. She loved him, wanted to be with him, but she couldn’t tell him that. The only thing that would prove the way she felt for him was the one thing she couldn’t give.
Oh God! The same thoughts had been going through her mind all night—and she still couldn’t come to any conclusion. Now she had been given a time limit, a time limit she didn’t know if she could meet.
‘Are you eating this morning?’ Max’s polite query broke into her thoughts.
‘Er—no,’ she smiled at him. She and Max had become quite good friends the last couple of weeks. ‘Thank you.’
‘More coffee?’
‘No, thank you. I—I think I’ll go out this morning, Max.’ She came to a sudden decision. Walking out in the sunshine she might be able to think more clearly.
‘Very well, madam.’
She was right, she did feel better outside. It was on days like this that she wished she hadn’t given up her job; at least it would have been something to occupy her mind.
Leon was right, she knew he was right—she couldn’t go on treating him this way. She would have to move out, there was no other answer. But not until after Leon had gone to America; she couldn’t stand his derision. Besides, she wanted to be with him for as long as possible.
The decision made, she went back to the flat. She had no shopping to do and just wandering around crowded shops wasn’t her idea of fun.
‘Mrs Masters called while you were out, madam,’ Max informed her.
Helen nodded. ‘Did you tell her Mr Masters would be in this evening?’ At least, she hoped he would! After last night and this morning she wasn’t too sure of that.
‘She wanted to speak to you, Mrs West.’
Helen stopped in the process of slipping off her jacket. ‘To me, Max?’
He took the jacket out of her hand. ‘Yes, madam. When I informed her you were out she said she would call again later.’
‘You’re sure she wanted to speak to me?’ Helen repeated dazedly.
‘Yes, madam.’