Just thinking about it all tugs at the wounds enough to break the scabs, and I start bleeding again. Not the arterial gush I suffered at the hospital, but still a messy, aching stream.
“Penny for your thoughts.” Bodhi slides into a seat across from me, a bottle of water in hand.
I sigh and look at my computer screen. “The words just aren’t coming tonight.”
“Oh, how well I know that pain.”
It’s almost time for yoga, so I close my laptop. “I read your book. It’s pretty good.”
“Just pretty good?” he asks, smiling.
Yeah, he’s got a great smile. I can see him more objectively now that I have distance from the betrayal. He’s just as imperfect as the rest of us. I put him on too high a pedestal. He had to fall eventually.
My phone lets out a soft reminder ping.
Bodhi glances at my phone, then back to me. “Xavier?”
“Probably.”
“Still not talking?”
I shake my head. “Not ready.”
Bodhi’s gaze lowers to the water bottle he spins in his hand, and his expression shifts toward regret. “If you’d never met me, if I’d never cheated”—his gaze lifts to mine, contemplative—“would you be more willing to give Xavier a chance to bridge this space between you?”
I didn’t tell him what happened, just that we broke up.
His question is a relatively deep one, reminding me of all the intense talks Bodhi and I shared. All the wisdom he imparted.
I sigh and turn the question over in my mind. Try to imagine Bodhi and I didn’t work out for a benign reason that hadn’t broken my trust and betrayed my love.
And when I take the resulting bitterness and distrust out of the equation, I nod. “Probably. Yeah.”
“Then you need to give him that chance. Haven’t I stolen enough of your happiness?”
I exhale, my shoulders sag.
Bodhi reaches across the table and covers my hand with his. “I leave in the morning.”
I nod.
“It’s been so…healing…to see you,” he says. “I will love you until the day I die and be forever grateful you chose to forgive me.”
Tears sting my eyes. I feel like my world is falling down around me. I nod again, and when he stands and holds his arms open, I hug him goodbye.
“Forgive Xavier, Chloe. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, forgiving Xavier should be a no-brainer. You deserve true happiness.”
I squeeze my eyes closed and nod against his shoulder.
Bodhi kisses my forehead and walks away at a brisk clip, as if he needs to put distance between us so he doesn’t do something stupid, like try to kiss me.
My heart is both lighter and heavier. He was such a big part of my life for so long, and part of me still misses the man he was at his most amazing. But that level of superhumanness isn’t sustainable day in and day out. We all falter, make mistakes, say things we shouldn’t have, do things we shouldn’t have. We’re human, after all. All just trying to live our best life. I know it took a lot of inner strength for him to let me go, and I’m pleasantly surprised and grateful he took the high road this time around.
Everyone needs boundaries. Everyone needs to know where to draw that line in the sand, no matter how much it hurts. I’d done that with Bodhi, and I did it well.
Xavier, on the other hand…
I slide my laptop into my bag and head toward my boat to change into yoga clothes. I’ve been sleeping in the apartment unit above the conference center, so I didn’t have to worry about Xavier just showing up—which he tends to do—and to get the space I need to think, but I feel ready to move back to the boat. To face Xavier. Or, as ready as I’ll ever be.