“Daddy issues,” I say in all seriousness. “Remember?”
“And you dated how long?”
“He was my mentor and friend for three years, my lover for two.” Talking about it is hard. All the joy and pain come rushing back and tangle.
“When did the cheating start?” he asks.
&
nbsp; “It was happening the whole time. I didn’t know it then, only found out at the end. God, that was awful.” Memories slide back, and Xavier’s patient silence allows me to get my thoughts together. “You know, honestly, those five years were good. Blissful, even. Of course, finding out about the other women ruined all my memories.”
“Can’t think about one without thinking about the other,” he says.
“Exactly. If I recall a successful retreat, I wonder if Bodhi was off fucking someone when I wasn’t looking. I ended up second-guessing all my friendships during that time because I found out later that he slept with women I considered friends. Even looking back at our vacations, I can’t help but wonder what he was doing when he wasn’t by my side.”
“Shit,” he says, his voice expressing understanding and sympathy.
“Yeah. It’s been a really hard year. Have you ever cheated on anyone? I won’t judge you if you have. I’m just…curious. I have a hard time imagining you dating the way you do without crossing that line.”
He shakes his head. “When I graduated high school, my longtime girlfriend broke up with me to go away to college.” He gives a one-shouldered shrug. “Since then, I’ve always kept things very clearly casual with women.”
“Did she break your heart?”
“Sure, you know, for a while. But things tend to look different when you’ve got some life experience behind you.”
“So true.” I pause before picking up another book and meet Xavier’s gaze deliberately. “You really mean a lot to me. I know we’re always kidding, but, seriously, you’ve been such a solid, consistent friend. It’s helped me learn to trust again, you know?”
His smile is soft, and this feels so much like the moment earlier in the day when we stared at each other through the glass at a distance. There’s a yearning between us. There’s also a certain level of trust, friendship, maybe even infatuation. But I’m no more ready for more now than I was earlier today.
I pull in a deep breath. “We need to put a few ground rules in place.”
His brows shoot up, and he laughs, instantly restoring our friendship equilibrium. “Do we, now?”
“Yes.”
“Can’t wait to hear these. Go ahead, shoot.”
I just dive in. “No kissing. None of what you pulled tonight.”
“That could barely even be categorized as a kiss,” he says. “So, I agree, I won’t kiss you like that again. I’ll kiss you like I mean it.”
With my lips still tingling from what he calls barely a kiss, my heart skips. What would it feel like to have him kiss me like he means it? My bones soften, giving me a little preview.
“You really do have a comprehension problem,” I tell him.
“You can’t make anyone believe we’re together if we don’t kiss. In an effort to be magnanimous, I’ll agree to no tongue.” Then he adds, “In public.”
The idea of his tongue touching me—anyplace—is ridiculously erotic. “Somehow, I knew you’d be complicated below the surface.”
“That’s me,” he says. “Deep.”
I snort a laugh and decide to drop the kissing subject because it’s making me need that fan from KT’s shop. “No dates.”
He sighs like I exasperate him. “We’re supposed to be involved, the very definition of dating.”
“Fine, then, no private dates. Only group dates.”
“Having other people around may help you from acting on your impulses, but it won’t keep you any safer from mine.”