“Thanks for that image. Now I’m hard as fuck. Again!”
I glanced down. “Oh, wow. You do have a raging boner. But it’s nothing to worry about. Just take a cold shower. I think that trick will definitely tame Moby Dick in no time.”
“You’re changing the subject.”
“How can I not change the subject when Moby came out in ‘all his full glory’ to greet me? But okay, let’s talk about business. You want to pull off the biggest scam of the century.”
“Come on, you know you would be perfect for me,” he said quietly, trailing his thumb seductively over my lips. “Marry me, Jaime.”
“No!” I whispered. “Never, not in a million years, for any amount of money.”
“Why? Because I’m a scoundrel?”
“Bingo! Who would’ve thought you had a brain in that handsome head of yours?”
He cupped my cheek. “Think about it, darling. We’re both low on our luck. I’m offering you a deal you can’t refuse. We’re talking about a huge sum of money here.”
I wanted to pull away, should’ve pulled away, but the warmth from his hand kept me planted right in front of him, secretly wishing he’d kiss me. “It’s not like you to be so...generous.”
He smirked. “Really? Perhaps you should talk to some of my past conquests. I’m sure they’ll tell you just how generous I can be.”
I nudged him. “You know exactly what I’m talking about!”
“Desperate men do desperate things,” he admitted, “and beggars can’t be choosers. I need a bride, and I need her quick.”
“Like I said, I wish you the best of luck. In this town, you’re going to need it. Maybe you should hop on PayPal and get yourself a mail-order bride that can become a resident of this town. She can move here from Russia or someplace, and you two can split the bounty after two years. She probably won’t even speak English, so you’ll be able to lie to her all you want, and she’ll believe any bullshit you say.”
“Well, a hot devotchka might be nice, but the conditions of the Will say she has to have been a resident of this little shithole for at least five years.”
“Oh. Sorry, Charlie, but I guess you really are screwed...and not in the fun way.”
“C’mon,” he pleaded. “Please. I’m begging you here.”
“It’s not like you to get all emotional like this. Wait here and I’ll bring you back a tampon and some Midol.”
“Always the joker. I really wish you’d see things from my perspective.”
“I would if I could...but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.”
With that, I blew him a kiss and turned to leave, quietly yelling at my feet to keep on moving.
“Just think about it,” he said as I whooshed out of the room, “and please don’t tell a damn soul!”
I waved over my shoulder and hurried down the stairs and unlocked the front door so I could leave. So many thoughts were racing through my mind as I ran to the car where Tammy was parked.
“Well? How’d it go?” she asked as soon as I jumped into the car.
“Mission accomplished!”
“Yeah, baby! You got in and out without getting caught on security footage?”
“I got in, but Charlie was there. I was totally busted. Even met Moby.”
Her eyes widened. “Shit! Did he call the police? And who the hell is Moby?”
“Moby is...it’s a long story. But anyway, no, he didn’t call the authorities,” I assured her and tossed the ski mask in the back seat, running my hands through my hair as my heart continued to pound painfully hard in my chest.
“Why not?”