Something about the conversation picked at my brain, and I didn’t like it. As I watched Emma button up the crotch of Olivia’s pink-striped onesie, I slammed into the realization like a snowmobile hitting a tree.
Neil had said something to her.
I never would have suspected him, if I hadn’t found what I’d found a few weeks ago. I’d gone into Neil’s desk for some blank checks to refill my checkbook, and while I pawed around in there, I’d found the small black and white print-out from the ultrasound I’d had when I’d first found out I was pregnant. It had actually been the way I’d broken the news to him, though in hindsight, I could have been gentler about it. After we’d had the abortion, we’d never really talked about it all that much, except in the immediate aftermath. Then, we’d gotten so buried under cancer-this and chemo-that, and time had just gone by. Maybe we’d had a few discussions in passing, but nothing earth-shattering, that I could recall. Finding that printout had been a surprise, but nothing I’d thought too deeply on. I’d figured it was just Neil wanting to hang onto it for sentimental reasons, and I’d put it back where it had been and gone on my way.
Emma’s timing was obviously coincidental, as no one knew about the picture in Neil’s desk except for Neil and, now, me. But there was a reason he’d saved it, and I was beginning to question that reason a little more.
We rejoined the guys in the atrium, where Neil and Michael were once again admiring the stairs.
“There’s my favorite girl,” Neil said, taking his hands out of his pockets and coming toward us. He snagged Olivia right out of Emma’s arms.
“Well, I see where I stand in the rankings,” Emma said, her hands on her hips.
“It could be worse. You could be the distant third.” I cast a sly gaze at Neil, and he winked back. I turned to Emma. “Do you guys want to grab some lunch or something?”
Emma and Michael shared a look. It was one I recognized, and had been both the giver and receiver of many a time.
“No…” Emma began with an apologetic cringe. “You know, Michael’s taken the long weekend, and we were…”
“There are a lot of things that need to get done around the house,” Michael stepped in. “Since I’ve got the day off—”
“You guys want to sit around in your underwear watching Netflix. I get it.” There were definitely no hard feelings. Neil and I had done the oh-god-how-do-I-make-an-excuse-to-get-out-of-this dance of mental communication more than once, for that exact reason.
“We knew you would understand,” Michael said with a sigh of relief. He cleared his throat and said, “You, as well, Mr. Elwood, I didn’t mean to imply—”
“Go on, then. Take my darling girl from me. Again.” Neil said with feigned exasperation. He kissed Olivia’s cheek before handing her off to her father.
Usually, seeing Neil with Olivia made my biological clock scatter its gears. I don’t know what it was about men and babies, but the combination just did something to me. I knew I wasn’t alone in that; Holli said the same damn thing about Chris Hemsworth. But thinking something was adorable in a totally horny way isn’t the same thing as wanting it for yourself, in your real life.
I hoped Neil knew that.
* * * *
Because the gala was only one more night away, Neil and I were staying at our Fifth Avenue penthouse. Though we no longer lived there full time, it had been his home when we’d first gotten together, and where we’d resided after we’d moved back to New York. It would always feel like home to me. Just a different home.
I sat on the bed, rubbing lotion into my calves and staring up at the television. Neil came into the bedroom, fresh from a shower, his wet hair slicked back from his face and a towel around his hips.
“Looks like we’re going to get some weather tomorrow night,” I said, my stomach knotting with anxiety. “I hope it doesn’t interfere with the party.”
“It shouldn’t,” Neil said, pulling off his towel and casting it aside to get into bed. “Almost everyone coming is already in the city.”
“True. But I can’t see them cracking out the old snow shoes and trekking across town.” I smiled over at him. “Sorry. I’m not trying to cast a black cloud over everything. I just really want this to go well for you.”
He fluffed up the pillows behind him. “It will go well. And, if it doesn’t, it won’t matter. The checks have already cleared from some of these donors. They’re just coming to claim credit for their philanthropy and drink up all of my good champagne.”
“Well, that’s why I’m going.” I pumped some more lotion into my hands to work on my thighs. Thinking about the benefit got me thinking about the center, which got me thinking about my conversation with Emma. “Hey. Emma said something today in the bathroom that was a little weird.”
“I can’t imagine Emma saying anything weird,” Neil said dryly.
“No, the thing she said wasn’t weird. It just seemed weird to me. She asked me why we haven’t had a baby.” Okay, in hindsight, maybe it was weird for Emma to have asked me that, especially in the past when she’d seemed so terrified that her father and I might procreate.
Neil picked up the remote and flipped the channel—without asking me if I was still watching, which was so annoying. “I wonder if she and Michael aren’t thinking about trying for another.”
“I just wondered if you said anything to her that might have given her the impression that…” I shrugged.
His lips tilted in a wry smile. “If I had said anything that might have given her the impression I wanted to keep you barefoot and pregnant?”
I gave him a push. “No. Don’t be stupid. I just meant…” Time to come clean about it. “I was looking for blank checks the other day, and I found something in your desk.”