“It happened when I was driving across the country to my parents’ house at the very end of senior year.” Underneath the blanket, Lindsey brought her hand up to the scar on her co
llarbone. “I’d basically spent the whole week drinking and partying. I was sober by the time I started driving, but I was really tired. I was on this long stretch of highway, without any streetlights, and there wasn’t a car in sight. I don’t know what happened exactly, but the next thing I knew, my car had gone off the road and I’d hit a tree.
“I hit my head in the crash, and when I came to, the lights had gone out, and it was dark, so I couldn’t see anything. And I was trapped in the car, and I couldn’t move. But I could smell smoke, and all I could think about was that the car was about to burst into flames and I’d die there, all alone, trapped in the dark.”
“Lindsey, that must have been awful.”
“That’s the thing,” Lindsey said. “I wasn’t really in any danger, I just thought I was. Cars don’t explode like they do in movies. I looked it up afterward. It doesn’t happen.”
Camilla rubbed her hand along Lindsey’s arm. “You didn’t know that.”
“That doesn’t make me feel like any less of an idiot for panicking over nothing. I don’t even know how long I was trapped in my car for, but it felt like forever. Eventually, a woman drove past and called 911. She stayed with me until help came. They had to cut me out of the car. I ended up with a concussion and some broken bones. Apparently, I was lucky that I wasn’t injured more seriously. I had a handful of surgeries and got out of the hospital after only a couple of weeks, but I had to do physical therapy for my broken femur for months afterward. I ended up moving back across the country to live with my parents while I recovered.”
Camilla stroked Lindsey’s arm. “That must have been hard.”
“It was,” Lindsey said. “But what came next was even harder. After I recovered, it felt like the whole world had changed. I moved back here, but all my friends from art school had moved on without me. I felt so anxious, and lost, and alone, but it was more than that. I’d changed. I just wasn’t the same person I used to be.”
“That’s not surprising,” Camilla said. “What you went through sounds pretty traumatic. It would make anyone anxious. And those kinds of experiences can change you.”
“But no one ever tells you how to deal with that. Once your bones are healed, you’re just thrown out into the world and expected to get on with life. But how are you supposed to do that? How are you supposed to go back to being the person you were before everything? And how do you make people understand why you feel that way?”
“Oh, Lindsey.” Camilla hugged her tighter. “I understand what that’s like. To have something life changing happen to you and have everyone just expect you to get on with it.”
“Huh,” Lindsey said. “I guess you’ve been through this.”
“Well, it wasn’t exactly the same. But when the symptoms of my illness started, I was fourteen. No one knew what was going on, and no one knew how to help me. That went on for years. And when the doctors finally figured out what was causing everything, there was very little they could do. I was basically just told to get on with things. But how could I do that when I’d been stuck with this diagnosis that was going to affect me every day for the rest of my life? How could I go back to being that carefree teenager when my future had been changed irrevocably?”
“Yes, that’s exactly it.” Lindsey paused. “How did you deal with that?”
“Well, eventually, I ended up seeing a new doctor who insisted I get therapy,” Camilla said. “It helped. My therapist told me that it was okay to grieve for the life that I once had, for the old me. That it was okay to feel lost and hopeless sometimes. That I didn’t have to pretend that everything was okay all the time. And she taught me how to deal with all those feelings. You should consider seeing someone too.”
“I’ve never been able to afford it,” Lindsey said.
“You can now. I’ll pay for it. And if you don’t want to talk to a stranger, you can always talk to me. Whenever you need me, I’ll be right here.”
“Thanks.” Lindsey gave Camilla a reserved smile. “I don’t know why I never thought to talk to you about it. I’m just so used to pretending it’s not a problem.”
Camilla kissed Lindsey on the forehead. “Well, you don’t have to pretend with me. I don’t want there to be anything between us that we can’t talk about.”
Right. Lindsey’s stomach tightened. This was why she’d been feeling uneasy. Despite everything that had passed between them, Lindsey was still hiding something from Camilla. She still hadn’t told Camilla that she’d never been attracted to another woman before her.
But how was she supposed to tell Camilla that their relationship began with a lie?
Chapter Twenty-Two
Lindsey lay on Camilla’s bed, a book in her hand. It was Lindsey’s bed now, too. She’d been sleeping in it every night since Denise came to visit, but Camilla had asked Lindsey to ‘move in’ after their conversation the other night. Lindsey had said yes, but she still felt like an intruder. It didn’t help that Camilla was away for work again. At least it was only for a few days this time. She was due back tomorrow night.
Lindsey gazed out the window at the night sky. Here Camilla was, planning their future together, yet Lindsey was still stuck on the lie she’d told Camilla the day they’d met. Lindsey wanted to tell her. But she didn’t know how. And Lindsey didn’t want to hurt her.
Maybe it would be better for her to take the secret to her grave.
Lindsey put down her book and got up from the bed. Being alone in this big house, with no one but her thoughts for company, was starting to get to her. Faith was due to call for a chat when she got home from work, but that wasn’t for a few hours. Lindsey left Camilla’s room and made her way downstairs in search of a snack.
She entered the main kitchen. It was empty at the moment, and every surface was sparkling clean. Lindsey had only been in here a handful of times. If she wanted something to eat, she usually asked June. But what Lindsey was really looking for was a distraction.
She opened the door to the walk-in pantry and began searching the shelves. It was like a tiny grocery store in itself. She found a few shelves in the back that were full of all those sweet, indulgent snacks that Camilla liked to eat. After browsing the selection for a few minutes, Lindsey picked out a block of dark chocolate and took it over to the island in the middle of the kitchen. She sat down and broke off a few squares, munching on them idly.
“Lindsey? Do you need something?”