So…knowing it—why had she made love with him? Before she was married she had had the excuse of not knowing what he was really like, but she couldn't hide behind that convenient get-out clause now. When he had looked at her before he'd left the room, when he had stroked her face and smiled at her with those glittering black eyes—she could have believed she was the only woman in the world for him. And that was what he wanted her to believe; that was how he was. He probably made each woman feel special and loved; he couldn't help it.
She had been brought up in the home of a man who couldn't fully commit himself to his wife and family, and it had been hell on earth. Oh, she wasn't saying it was all her father's fault, Victoria told herself as she lay back against the pillows and opened her eyes, staring into the darkness as her thoughts sped on. Her parents' strange marriage had suited her mother, she had no doubt about that, and if Zac had chosen someone like Coral no doubt he could have lived perfectly happily with her—and she with him—while they both pursued their own lives.
But she didn't want that. Perhaps what she was looking for didn't even exist, perhaps no one was capable of remaining faithful to one person for the rest of their lives? Her childhood had been so isolated, so devoid of emotional contact, that she could accept she didn't have the first idea about how real families ticked and what went on behind closed doors.
But she did know her own limitations and what she could bear—and she couldn't bear watching Zac have a series of liaisons down the years, any more than she could stomach being shut out of certain parts of his life when it suited him—like his work, or his friendships, or whatever.
If her view of marriage was an impossible, idealistic dream, then so be it, but she wasn't going to put herself, and any children she might have, through the torture of living in an unhappy home. She had to remain strong, and she must make it clear to Zac tonight that today was just a one-off and never to be repeated, and that nothing, nothing had changed.
'Well?' Zac's sharp question brought her back to the present His voice was icy, his black eyes narrowed on her pale face. 'I asked you a question, Victoria. How can you sit there and tell me nothing has changed after today?'
'Because it hasn't.' The wonderful array of Chinese food on the table was getting cold, but neither of them noticed. 'I—' Her voice faltered, but she owed him this at least, Victoria told herself miserably as she forced her-self to go on. 'I do love you, Zac—I've always loved you and I probably always will—but I can't live with you. We…we're too different—'
'We're damn well not,' he growled furiously, and then, as she continued to look at him with drowning, tragic eyes, his voice was softer as he continued, 'We're not, Tory, don't you see? I love you—you must know that I love you? And you love me; you just said so. What else matters?'
That was it in a nutshell She stared at him as his words registered in her brain. He thought loving each other was enough, but it wasn't. Her parents must have loved each other once—everyone loved each other once, she thought feverishly, before the rot set in. But love would fade and die without heart commitment.
'Lots else matters,' she answered at last, her voice quiet and painful. 'Things like Gina matter; you using me to further your business interests—'
'Right, let's clear this up now once and for all,' Zac barked sharply, clearly at the end of his tether with the way the conversation was going as he left his chair opposite her and came to sit right beside her, but his voice was controlled again when he said, 'Just listen to me without interrupting for once, right?'
She nodded, knowing nothing he could say or do would alter her mind. It was too late. It had actually always been too late.
'I admit it was pretty stupid of me to go to Gina's room without explaining what was happening first,' Zac said evenly, holding her eyes with his own, 'but I didn't want anything to spoil what had been a—' he searched for the right word and found it'—an unimaginable night of love.'
Victoria shifted restlessly but said nothing.
'Gina and I had had a relationship as you know,' he continued steadily, 'but it had ended months before I met you. We'd finished as friends—perhaps we'd been friends all along and should never have taken it that step further, because that certain something was never there, not really. Anyway, when she needed me, I couldn't turn my back on her.'
She didn't want to hear this; it wasn't helping.
'She had been ill for some time and just lost her job, which was why I helped her out with the apartment when my aunt contacted me, and on the morning of our wedding she had had the results of some test she'd gone for the week before. They were positive. She has a serious illness that needs long-term treatment which will be unpleasant, and she has
no money and no close friends, besides me. She panicked, it was as simple as that, and took a load of pills without really thinking about it And then;..' He shrugged. 'You know the test,' he said flatly.
'She called you and you went to her,' Victoria said slowly.
'And I'd do the same again,' Zac said without flinching, 'but the only thing I'd do differently is take you with me. I was trying to protect you from it all, Tory, and—'
'Treat me like a baby?' Victoria asked flatly. 'You've never shared anything with me, Zac, not really—the deal with my mother, Gina, everything. All the time we were dating we never really talked, and I realise now we were never alone together—'
'I wanted to be alone with you,' Zac interrupted tightly. 'Hell, how I wanted to be alone with you. But you were like the song—sweet sixteen and never been kissed—and you were so shy, so vulnerable. I couldn't believe it when I met you—I didn't think girls like you existed any more—but then I realised you were real and I was terrified I'd do something, say something, to frighten you away. I'm a man of thirty-five, Tory, and I'd been used to a fairly active sex life before I met you. I used to ache to have you, I tell you that now. The times I wanted to ravish you then and there are without number, but I wanted to do something right for once. And so I decided there was safety in numbers; it was as simple as that.'
'But…but we could have got to know each other better—just talked; we needn't have made love,' Victoria protested softly.
'It was too much of a risk,' Zac stated flatly. 'I didn't trust myself not to seduce you; that's how it was, Tory.'
She stared at him, not knowing what to believe. 'Zac—'
'But I couldn't wait either,' he continued quickly when she would have spoken. 'And so I rushed you down the aisle, didn't I, like there was no tomorrow? And I knew I was rushing you, Tory; I have no excuse. I knew you were the only woman I'd ever want, you see—like my mother had been the only one for my father—and I couldn't risk losing you.'
'You didn't trust me.' It was a painful little statement, but he didn't duck it, nodding slowly as he stared into her eyes.
'I don't suppose I did,' he admitted quietly, 'although it was more that I didn't acknowledge you were a grown, mature woman if anything. And I couldn't believe my luck either—that you would love me, marry me. I've done so much, seen so much, and you were so pure, so innocent…'
She continued to sit quietly, her eyes enormous as she stared into the dark, handsome face so close to hers. She wanted to believe him, believe it was really as simple as he was saying, but she didn't. She hadn't been brought up on happy endings.
'The merger was your mother's idea, and the benefit was all on her side,' Zac said slowly after a full minute had ticked by. 'It was immaterial to me whether it went through or not.'