A rush went through her. She and Eve had been exchanging messages for days now, each racier than the last. Every one of them made Faith ache with
desire.
But at the same time, doubt gnawed at her. It didn’t make sense that she wanted this. To submit to Eve, to give Eve so much power over her. For most of Faith’s life, she’d felt so powerless, trapped in a world where she didn’t have any control or agency, where she was expected to be this dutiful, subservient woman. She’d chosen to leave that life behind years ago. How was she supposed to reconcile that with her newly discovered submissive desires?
“You’re zoning out again,” Lindsey said.
“Right. Sorry.” Faith put her phone down. “I just got a message from Eve.”
Lindsey grinned. “I’m guessing it wasn’t about a nannying emergency? ”
“Nope.”
“So things are going well between the two of you?”
“Mostly.” Faith had filled Lindsey in on what was going on between herself and Eve, with the caveat that she couldn’t tell anyone, not even Camilla. “It’s just that, I’ve never been with someone who’s into the things Eve is. I have some reservations.”
Lindsey frowned. “Do you feel pressured to do things you don’t want to? Because I know you’re new to all this, but consent is important in these kinds of relationships.”
“No, that’s not it. We’ve talked about that stuff.” In between exchanging risqué messages, Faith and Eve had talked about their boundaries. Faith had told Eve in no uncertain terms was Eve to put her in a cage. “It’s not the physical stuff. It’s everything else.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s about how all this makes me feel. How she makes me feel. I want her. I want to explore this submissive side of myself with her. And it bothers me that I want that.” Faith sat up on the bed and crossed her legs underneath her. “I spent most of my life having everything about me controlled, from what I wore, to what I did with my life. And since I escaped that life, I’ve always been wary of people trying to control me. Friends, partners, anyone.” She balled her fists in her lap. “I don’t ever want to feel like I’m someone’s property. Never again.”
“Does Eve make you feel that way?” Lindsey asked.
“I don’t think so. It’s different with her. But maybe that’s just because I’m blinded by everything I feel for her.”
“Or maybe it’s because, with Eve, it is different. What you’re doing with her, it’s not the same as being controlled. That’s not to say it’s not real, or it’s just a game. The difference is that submission is a choice. You’re not having power taken away from you. You’re giving it to someone willingly. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do that.” Lindsey folded her arms on her chest. “Look at Camilla and me. Do you think there’s anything unhealthy about our relationship?”
“No.” Faith had to admit, she’d been skeptical of Lindsey and Camilla’s relationship in the beginning. The two of them had jumped headfirst into this intense, 24/7 kinky relationship. But after witnessing the two of them together for a year now, it was clear to Faith that what they had was healthy and loving. It was all give and take, and they were equals where it really mattered.
“It still feels wrong for me to want that,” Faith said. “I know it’s silly, but I feel like it goes against all my principles. I fought to escape a life of submission and servitude, so I could become a modern woman, independent and strong.”
“I get it. I’ve felt that way before too. Eventually, I realized that my desires don’t reflect who I am as a person. Although they’re a part of me, they don’t define me. And they aren’t a weakness.”
“I guess that makes sense.”
“Besides, that’s what makes submission so appealing.”
“What do you mean?” Faith asked
“Submission lets you explore a side of yourself you don’t get to let out in the real world. That vulnerable side of yourself. It lets you feel things you’re not supposed to feel, want things you're not supposed to want. But it’s about more than just the thrill of the forbidden. It’s about letting go of all the ideas you have about yourself and giving in to desire. And when you reach that point where you can let go of everything and just exist in the moment with that special person? It's so freeing.” Lindsey brushed back her auburn hair. “Of course, it takes a long time to reach that place with someone. And it takes trust. But that’s ultimately what it’s all about. That surrender.”
There it was again. That word. Surrender. The idea appealed to Faith. Was that what she wanted?
She groaned. “This is all too complicated.”
“It doesn’t have to be,” Lindsey said. “Do you remember when Camilla and I first got together? Someone wise told me that I should stop worrying about what I thought I should and shouldn’t feel and just let myself feel it. Maybe you should take her advice.”
It was just like Lindsey to throw Faith’s words back at her. “That was different.”
“Was it?”
Faith sighed. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Of course, that same someone thought it was a good idea for us to go skinny dipping in the lake next to campus in the middle of the night, so maybe she isn’t that wise.”