‘Look,’ I said, regaining my sense of self-preservation and intent on making the best of this mess. ‘What’s done is done. And, yes, it was nice. Very nice. But it’s just sex, OK? That’s all. It’s been a while.’
‘Animal instincts, you’re saying?’
‘If you want to put it that way.’
‘I wouldn’t put it that way. To me, it felt much more like human passion. But if that’s the story you want to tell yourself …’
‘Shut up, Joss. Stop trying to fuck with my head. What we’re doing – it’s sexual. It’s bound to make us a bit … It’s an occupational hazard. I succumbed to it. Stupid of me, but I’m only human.’
‘Nicely rationalised,’ he said. He propped himself on an elbow, looking down at me. I didn’t meet his eye.
‘You can believe that if you like,’ he said. ‘As long as it means you don’t leave.’
Perhaps I should. Cut my losses. But I knew, not even that deep down, that I couldn’t walk away from him.
‘I want to be your man,’ he said, and I was done for all over again. ‘But if I can only be your friend with benefits, that will have to do. It’s better than nothing.’
‘Friend,’ I repeated. ‘With benefits. Benefits – hey, that’s an idea. Maybe you could apply for Working Tax Credit.’
‘Don’t change the subject.’ He looked so sad. But I know he can do that look as easily as blinking.
‘Well, all right then, I won’t. We’re here to do this submissive training thing. Shouldn’t we get started?’
I sat up, and only then did I become aware of the trickle.
I drew in a sharp breath.
‘You didn’t use …’ I looked at him, eyes wide with alarm.
He sat up beside me, double-quick.
‘You mean you aren’t …?’
‘No, no, that’s OK. I have a contraceptive implant. But you – you go to weird sex clubs.’
His lips thinned and he appeared to be fighting back the urge to snap at me.
‘For one thing,’ he said, with barely-there calm. ‘I always use condoms. For another, those submissives at those parties have a perfectly clean bill of health. For another, do you seriously think I’d do something like that to you?’
‘Why not?’ I retorted, hot-cheeked. ‘Why wouldn’t you?’
‘Jeez.’ He put his head in his hands. ‘You really think I’m that bad.’
‘I wish I didn’t.’
He raised his head and gave me a long look.
‘Well, I hope one day you’ll get your wish,’ he said.
‘That gives me a perfect third task,’ I said. ‘Go to the sexual health clinic and get yourself checked out. If anything nasty comes back, I’ll know I have to go too.’
‘It won’t,’ he assured me, but then he nodded. ‘OK, I’ll do it. Why not? Why not sit in a waiting room with a bunch of –’
‘Perfectly ordinary people,’ I cut in. ‘There’s no shame in it, Joss. Don’t be pathetic. Besides, I daresay you’d go private.’
‘Well, it is rather private, wouldn’t you say?’
‘I thought you liked to get down in public. Or so I hear.’