‘Did you?’
‘Of course I did. After everything you’d done to me when we were kids, I’d just fallen into your arms like some idiot in a Mills and Boon. I felt like I betrayed myself, over and over, every time I let you touch me.’
He contemplated a crust of bread in a stormy manner.
‘Look,’ he muttered, ‘this is old ground. I’ve apologised for the way I treated you when I was a boy. I apologise again. Unreservedly. All right?’
‘Not really,’ I whispered. ‘I don’t think it’ll ever be all right. But I’m telling you this because it’s relevant to what I’m going to ask of you.’
‘OK.’
‘Every time we get involved with each other, you hurt me,’ I said. ‘You hurt me when we played together as children. You hurt me when we had our … summer thing … And now you want to hurt me again.’
‘But this is different,’ he said eagerly. ‘This is a contract. A proposition. Not an affair of the heart or a messed-up thing like the bullying.’
‘I know, but I don’t want to spend the next five months in a state of acute self-loathing and paranoia. I’ve done that. I’m not doing it again. So before I let you hurt me, I want to hurt you.’
‘You mean literally?’
‘Yes, I mean literally. I want you to know how it feels to be hurt.’
‘I do know.’
‘By me.’
‘Ah.’
He sat back, chewing on a slice of tomato.
‘Revenge,’ he said, once it was gone. ‘You want revenge.’
‘No, that’s not what I mean. I want you to feel something like empathy. And I think it would help me to trust you – because on all those sites I surfed last night, the main thing everyone ended up banging on about was the importance of trust. Without it, there can’t be a D/s relationship, they say. And how can I trust you, given our history?’
‘You know, that’s a very fair point,’ he said. ‘Very fair. All right.’
He stood up, holding out a hand.
‘Take my body and use it as you will,’ he said with a flourish.
People must have heard us, and I felt like an idiot, glancing around to see how many eyes were levelled in our direction.
‘What, now?’ I said.
‘Why not? No time like the present. I’ve got the afternoon free – have you?’
‘I, uh.’ My mind was in no fit state to be fabricating pressing engagements. I had the only man I had ever loved standing right in front of me, looking more delicious than anything on the Trout’s menu, telling me I had carte blanche to do as I wanted with him. It was bound to knock me a bit off course.
‘Come on then. Or have you lost your nerve now? Did you only mention it to put me off and put an end to the whole scheme? Well, I’m calling your bluff. You have to put your money where your mouth is.’
‘Right. Put my money …’ I stood up, haltingly.
‘Though, I have to admit, I’d rather you put your mouth where my mouth is,’ he said, devilishly low.
He wasn’t playing fair. Seduction was not on the menu. It was strictly an arrangement, nothing more. Perhaps I should have some kind of contract drawn up. No cutting the skin, no plastic bags over heads, no thieving of hearts.
‘Don’t do that.’
‘What?’