But that was why I was on this stupid app, anyway. To forget about him.
“I’ll make my username Phlox,” I said. “That won’t be taken.”
“Nobody knows what phlox is,” she said. “They’re gonna think it’s like ‘flocks’ of geese, or something.”
“Fuck it,” I said. “Nobody ever knows the names of my favorite plants, anyway. Phlox is beautiful and simple.”
“It is one of my favorites,” she said.
I typed in the username and claimed it for myself.
“Boring name, though,” Liz said.
“Fuck off.” I smiled. “You like plants just as much as I do.”
“Nobody likes them as much as you.”
“I’m only on here to… see what’s out there. I don’t care if people think my name is boring.”
I took a picture of the beautiful landscape in front of me and I set it as my profile photo.
“You’re not even putting a picture of your face?” Liz asked, incredulous.
“Hell, no,” I said, looking down and scrolling through the chat again. “Nectarine_Peach and JasonPow don’t have pictures of their faces. I’m not going to either.”
Liz laughed. “I’m so glad you finally joined,” she said. “You need more friends than just my sorry ass.”
“But your sorry ass is the best friend I’ve ever had,” I said.
“Shit, I don’t know how to act when you’re that nice,” she told me.
“You can start by not making fun of my username.”
“Fine,” she said. “Phlox. Different, but cool. Just like you.”
I ignored the group chat for the rest of the day. I had plenty of weeding to do in my gardens, and parts of my drip system to repair. In the evening I spent three hours in the greenhouse. By the time I lay down in the tent, my muscles were sore as hell from a day of hiking, running, and working.
This was how I liked it. This was when I felt best. A tired, exhausted body. I didn’t have to think about the world. All I had to do was fall into slumber.
But then the same thing happened that had been bothering me all week. As I tried to get comfortable on the mattress, all I could think about was the memory of what it was like to have Cam in here with me. His warmth. His body. His silly and totally sweet freakouts about animals coming into the tent.
And his mouth wrapped around my cock later in the night. How intoxicating it had been, being inside his mouth, knowing I was the first cock he had ever sucked.
I was hard under my blankets. I wasn’t falling asleep now, no matter how exhausted I was. I had jerked off every night this week thinking of Cam, and each time, I just felt lonely as hell after I came.
I needed a distraction.
I picked up my phone, opening up the BackOutThere group chat. I didn’t expect much at this time of night, but as I opened it, I saw some activity. Someone called LittleBit was talking, in a deep conversation with someone named SadieClues.
>>LittleBit: I was in a relationship for too long. I don’t even know how to be single. Why would anyone enjoy this?
>>SadieClues: LOL, I know. It’s like living in a different world.
>>LittleBit: The empty side of the bed is the worst part.
>>SadieClues: It should be illegal.
>>LittleBit: Exactly. Maybe I need to get a big body pillow. Maybe I’m that kind of guy.
>>SadieClues: Just something to hug?
>>LittleBit: To hug. To hump. Anything to keep me company.
>>SadieClues: Hahaha. I like you, LittleBit.
Well, that was cute. It already looked like those two were hitting it off. Maybe they would find love with each other. I felt strange peeking in on the conversation, but it was on full display in the group chat.
And as I scrolled back up through the chat, it seemed like a normal type of conversation that all sorts of people had in here. Lizzy was right. This really wasn’t like a dating app. It was more of a way for lonely people to connect on any level they wanted, which was kind of sweet, but also made me want to toss my phone into a fire pit.
I’d been called a lone wolf before. In some ways, I wore that label like a badge of honor. I buried my loneliness deep inside, so I could at least attempt to live a normal life.
But these people seemed to put it all out there. It was funny that Cam had called me “free” the other day. It seemed like I was free with everything in my life other than the things I truly felt.
Fuck it.
I tapped out a message. I couldn’t sleep yet, and I could try to give this LittleBit person a pep talk.
>>Phlox: You asked why anyone would like being single? Think about this: you never have to fight anybody on what sounds good for dinner. Want to have steak but your partner wants anchovy stew every night? You’re screwed.