“I don’t need it,” he said, emphasizing every word.
I leaned back on the bench, looking up at the wood pattern on the gazebo roof. “All I want to do is help. It’s the only thing I’m good at.”
“That is such bullshit.”
I looked back down at him, stunned. “What?”
“I’m tired of you thinking the only good thing about you is your ability to help other people. Stand up for yourself. Speak up if people like Yvonne or even Lilly are making you uncomfortable.”
“I don’t like conflict, Rock,” I said simply. “You know this.”
He breathed in deep, letting himself pause for a moment. “I know you don’t,” he finally said.
The conversation stopped, and for a minute we just listened to the sound of the pattering rain. A gentle breeze rolled through, chilling the air even more. I wanted a jacket. Hell, I wanted to be cozy under the sheets, in reality, and if I was being honest with myself, I wanted it to be next to him.
Because of course I still wanted him. And nothing would have felt better right now than to just let myself indulge for the rest of the reunion, even if I knew it would end.
I was just far, far too scared that I’d get even more attached to Rock than I already was.
I was getting used to him being around. Being mine. And that was such a dangerous thing to get used to.
I sucked in a deep breath. “It’s… the same reason I don’t want to do anything more with you, actually.”
His eyes snapped to mine.
I already regretted saying it. So much inside me wanted to scream no, no, no, to tell him I didn’t mean it, to make sure that he never saw the truth about how I felt. As always, I didn’t want to rock the boat. But the words had already fallen out of my mouth.
“What do you mean?”
My insides felt like they were twisting into industrial-strength knots.
“I’m not pushing you toward Lilly because I don’t like you, Rock,” I said, fiddling with the seam on my pants. “It’s that if we… do more things together, it’s only going to lead to more conflict. Inside me. Knowing you’re doing things that you don’t really want, in the long-run. Knowing that when all this ends, things go back to normal.”
His gaze danced across my face, and for the first time I saw him truly searching for something to say.
“You realize I’m not doing a single thing that I don’t want to do, right?” he said, his voice hushed.
I waved a hand. “I know, I know.”
He shifted on the seat, turning more toward me. “Do you really know, though?” he said. “I loved everything we did last night, Perry.”
“Well, yeah, because coming usually feels good.”
He puffed out a small laugh, shaking his head. There was a tiny puddle in front of us, water slowly leaking in from the roof, and he pushed the toe of his shoe into it, drawing tiny lines with the water.
“Of course it felt good to come. But I mean all of this. Being around you makes me feel like I have a purpose, too, you know. I can’t put out fires right now. You see me fretting about every little candle and firecracker because it gives me something to do, for God’s sake. I feel totally lost. My leg’s all fucked up. I’ve felt so useless and lazy and limp the entire time I’ve been like this.”
I felt like all of the armor I’d been trying to build up against him all morning had instantly vanished, like a shell around my heart that could no longer protect it.
My heart ached for him.
“I’m sorry, Rock,” I said.
“I’m trying to tell you that I don’t feel that way when I’m with you,” Rock said. “Being here, being with you. All of it. You’ve changed all of that. I feel like my existence means something when I’m with you.”
“Because you get to be useful,” I said softly. “Playing the part of my boyfriend.”
He shrugged one shoulder. “Sure. And also just because it feels good.”
A low, distant rumble of thunder rolled through the air.
“Well, I’m glad I can at least make you feel good,” I said.
“Right,” he said. “So stop trying to people-please me and play cupid matchmaker, okay? I don’t know what I want right now, but I know it isn’t Lilly.”
I nodded once, holding out my hand to him. “Deal.”
“Deal.”
He reached out, shaking my hand, but then moved in for a tight hug. He let himself linger there before pulling back.
“But you have to stop acting like you can’t take any of my help,” I said.
He let out a long breath, smiling and shaking his head. “Of course I need your help. You’ve helped me more in the last week than most people have my whole life.”