Something inside my chest leapt as I cut the engine of my car, my hand fumbling for the handle on the door. I wanted him so badly that it almost felt anxious, like if I didn’t get next to him right now, he might disappear forever.
I slammed my car door shut.
“Liam,” he said, his voice ragged. The look on his face was cautious, like he might be expecting me to fight or flee. He remained sitting on the brick steps, looking up at me like it would be too much effort to even stand up.
It broke my heart a little. That was the biggest tragedy of all—the fact that I’d been unreliable for so long that Red didn’t even know how much I truly needed him. And God, did I ever fucking need him right now.
“Red.”
I realized that his expression wasn’t just cautious. He looked wrecked. Red, the most put-together person I’d ever known, the man who could solve anything and still have boundless energy, looked… helpless.
He looked at me, giving me a little shrug before he exhaled slowly, his breath slightly shaky.
“What’s… are you okay?”
“I don’t think I am, actually,” he said.
It was like every emotion inside me had just been flipped on its side. I didn’t know how to react to seeing him like this, his eyes so shattered.
“You’re hurt,” I whispered.
He swallowed, nodding gently. “You ever feel like everything you’ve been working towards, and everything you’ve been planning for, all crumbles at once?”
My chest tightened. “I do know how that feels.”
“I know you do,” he replied, casting his eyes downward. “The TV show isn’t going to happen.”
My heart sank immediately. “Oh God, I’m so sorry,” I said.
He shook his head. “Strange thing is… I should be devastated about it. I am. But I don’t think that’s the biggest reason.”
I shifted on one foot. I set down the fragrant rose plant on the ground nearby and carefully sat down, staying on the other edge of the steps.
My insides were churning. I knew what was coming. I knew this was the conversation that was bound to happen—the one where Red told me that he could never see me again. The one where he told me that banning me from the bar wasn’t even good enough, and that it would be better if I left town.
I knew the conversation was going to happen, but I hadn’t expected it to happen this soon.
“I need…” Red said, trailing off, burying his head in his hands for a moment.
“I know,” I said, my heart pounding. “I’m not going to keep hurting you. I want to be strong, Red. I can be strong on my own—”
“I need you to save me,” Red said, turning to face me, his eyes pained. “I need you to save me, this time. Just saying it makes me want to go drive my Jeep into a field and never come back, but I can’t… I don’t want to be on my own anymore.”
He pulled in a sharp breath. I was dumbfounded, stunned into total silence.
“Is it—you need the money? Faster? I can get it to you, or give you an advance—”
He puffed out air, shaking his head. “It’s not about the money, Liam. I’m talking about you. I’m no good with words. Not when it comes to my own…”
“Feelings?” I asked.
The corner of his mouth briefly came up, the ghost of a smile. It disappeared quickly, his expression melting back into fear.
“Feelings,” he said. “I know how to handle everybody else’s. I know how to fix anything. But god damn if I don’t know what the flying fuck to do when I have the feelings I have for you.”
I tried to swallow past the tightness in my throat. “For… me?”
He finally met my eyes again, so much emotion packed into his own. “I love you more than I could ever tell you, Liam,” he whispered. “I love you so much I hate it. I loved you when you walked into my bar that night. I loved you for ten years before that. And it never made sense, not now and certainly not back then, but it’s there. And nothing I’ve done has ever fucking gotten rid of it.”
His voice was like sandpaper. My heart was lodged somewhere in my throat.
“And seeing you drive away tonight was worse than the news about the show. It was worse than anything that could ever happen in my own life. Because it wasn’t just happening to me, it was happening to us. And I think I’m finally realizing that no matter how hard I try to feel like… like a me, alone and independent, I fucking can’t. I think about us. Always us. Together.”
I moved my hands, realizing that I’d been pressing my palms into my own thighs mindlessly for the past minute as I held my breath.