He watched me, understanding on his face.
“Wounds that definitely haven’t healed,” I said, my voice soft.
He nodded, his face solemn. “I understand.”
“When I see you, this… phantom pain crops up all over again,” I said. “I still have muscle memory from all of it. You know?”
“I think I have it, too,” he said. He stood up quickly, looking out the window like he was determined to shrug away his feelings. “So you’re saying… we can fuck as hard as we want. We can film porn together. But that’s where the line ends.”
I already felt my heart breaking as he was saying it. There was a small, chaotic voice inside me screaming for more, wishing so badly I could tell him I wanted every part of his soul.
But that was the part of me I needed to lay to rest. I had gotten so good at controlling those urges, and I felt like I had to maintain my independence, even if Liam was my kryptonite.
Even if right now, staying independent from Liam felt like the exact worst thing in the fucking world.
I pulled in a long breath. “Right. That’s where the line ends,” I said.
I made it about four hours before I sent Liam a text.
>>Red: Look at these boxer briefs that Sam wants to start carrying in the bar.
I sent him the photo that Sam had just emailed to me. His latest design idea was a pair of bright red underwear that had cowboy hats printed all over it.
>>Liam: Looks like every pair of underwear I own.
>>Red: Exactly. I swear he had Liam Hardy in mind when he designed these.
>>Liam: Well you know I’m going to buy the first pair.
>>Red: And you know I’m going to peel them right off of you.
I looked down and saw that I was now plenty hard under my jeans. I was supposed to leave in fifteen minutes to start the two-hour journey over to Mom’s place near Kansas City, but now I was distracted.
>>Liam: Maybe you could rip them off of me instead.
>>Red: Fuck. Are you trying to make me hard right now? Because it’s working.
>>Liam: We both know I don’t have to try. I just succeed. When it comes to dicks, at least.
>>Red: Normally I’d call you pompous for that, but we both know you’re right.
>>Liam: What are you gonna do about it?
>>Red: Nothing. I have to leave for Mom’s in ten minutes now. What are you doing?
>>Liam: Still sitting here in front of my computer. Freaking out about our video and Hardy Productions.
>>Red: Freaking out? Stop that.
>>Liam: At least I’m being honest. I have no way to distract myself.
>>Red: I mean….
>>Liam: Yes, I’ve already tried making myself come. Ain’t happening. My mind is racing and normally I’d fix a stiff fucking drink right now.
My heart ached a little. I hated knowing that Liam was sitting there alone, without any real way to cope. He was still so new to being sober, and hell, I couldn’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be. I wasn’t even an alcoholic and I hated the idea of never having a nice drink again.
I was more concerned than turned on now. I wanted so badly to know he’d be okay.
>>Red: I know something that could get your mind off things.
>>Liam: Replacing my brain?
>>Red: Very funny. No. You’re coming to my mom’s for dinner with me.
The phone started ringing immediately, and it was Liam’s name on the screen.
“No,” he told me right away as I answered. “No, no, no.”
“Oh, come on,” I said. “You need the distraction, and Mom already told me my brother cancelled on us for dinner tonight. He’s hurt.”
“Rock is hurt? Shit, was it an accident while fighting a fire?”
“Not badly hurt, but yes. He strained a tendon in his foot on the job, but he’s definitely not up for getting out of bed. And that’s why you’re going to take his place.”
Liam paused for a moment. “I’m not sure I…”
“Mom’s got the extra food, and believe me, she loves feeding people.”
“I’m not meeting your mom for the first time now, Red.”
“Why the hell not?”
He sighed. “I’m not exactly the mom-meeting type.”
“Because of the whole porn star thing? It doesn’t matter. She’ll get a hoot out of you.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
“Liam, I’m a gay cowboy who dances on my own bartop to Def Leppard songs. If my mom accepts me, she’s sure as hell going to accept you.”
“It’s not just the porn star thing,” Liam said. “I’m not ashamed of my porn, even if I’m glad those days are over. But…”
“What’s up?”
“I haven’t been to any sort of… dinner, or social event, since I’ve been sober. Not a real one.”
“Oh,” I said, realization dawning on me. “I understand.”
“I’m going to be so fucking awkward,” he said. “I don’t know how to meet people without—”