He sighed. “I don’t want you to… to leave, Evan,” he said. “I just got back to Amberfield, and you’re the best thing about this town, and I know it isn’t my business what you do in your life, but—”
“Exactly. It isn’t your business because as you’ve made clear, I’m not your boyfriend,” I said, anger flashing through me again. My body was hot and I undid my seatbelt, taking a deep breath. “I know you’re just my friend, Mitch, and I can’t keep waiting around for some fantasy life I’ve wanted since I was seventeen. I need to spread my fucking wings at some point.”
His jaw clenched as he looked at me. I knew he was trying to hold something back, I just wished I knew what it was.
“I understand,” he whispered. “You’re doing what’s best for you. I understand that.”
I let out a long breath, scrubbing my palms over my face. “You left Amberfield fifteen years ago, and ever since then, I feel like my life has been… idling. When I applied to this European fellowship, I was trying to do something completely for myself, for the first time.”
“I just can’t believe you might be gone,” Mitch said, his voice rough.
“You were the one who was gone,” I said, raising my voice a little too high. “You left me, Mitch. You kissed me like you loved me on prom night and then you were gone, off to Chicago, so soon afterward.”
“And I regret it to this day,” he said softly, breaking my gaze and looking the other way. “And I did love you, for the record. I didn’t know what that love meant, or why I felt it, or if it was friend-love or something more, but you know I’ve loved you for my whole fucking life, Evan.”
A hot tear slid down my cheek and I reached up and roughly wiped it away. I was pissed off that I was crying, pissed off that Mitch was telling me all of this, pissed off that I was pissed off.
“If I had any promise of a future… a real future, here in Amberfield, I would stay. I would stay in an instant. Switzerland would be amazing, but you know damn well what I really want.”
“I wished I knew what you want,” Mitch said.
“I want a family,” I said. “I want the simplest fucking things in life. A partner. Maybe kids. A sweet dog to greet me when I come home from a long day of work. Somebody who wants to hug me when I’m feeling down. A house that doesn’t feel empty every time I walk into it. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, Mitch. I am tired of being lonely, and I just want something real.”
“You deserve it,” Mitch said, his voice barely a whisper. “You really do.”
I swallowed, letting the silence fill the air for a moment.
“And you’ll never be able to offer me that,” I said finally. “You can’t give me what I truly want in life, and that isn’t your fault, but I’m never going to stop trying to find The One.”
“How can you believe something like ‘The One’ exists?” Mitch asked. He sounded lost and confused, like he was struggling to believe in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. “I feel like I was trying to make Jess be The One for my whole marriage, and it never happened.”
“I don’t know how I keep believing in it, but I do,” I said. “I don’t want to live my life alone. I want a person who I know will always be there for me.”
His eyes snapped up to meet mine. “Don’t you know that I’ll always be there for you?”
A lump welled up in the back of my throat again, but I forced myself not to acknowledge it. I wasn’t going to cry.
I pulled in a long, slow breath. “I need someone who isn’t going to be afraid to call me his boyfriend,” I said. “And then someday, husband. I know labels are stupid, but these ones are important to me. And I can’t change that.”
It was like I could feel Mitch detaching from me in real time. His eyes had been burning with passion before, and now they slowly receded from me, like the tide going out on the beach. I got a terrifying reminder of how I had felt back on prom night, the moment I’d blurted out to him that I loved him. He’d gotten a faraway look in his eyes and gone cold, running off to find Jess.
He had a similar look in his eyes now. For the last ten minutes, I’d seen a depth of emotion in him I wasn’t used to—true sadness, longing, and fear.
And now he’d just cut them off. Like he was numb.
And if I didn’t get out of this car immediately, I was going to burst into tears, and probably embarrass both of us.