I swallow. “But Mama…”
“She’s been doing better, right?”
She calls me almost every day to tell me about group. I texted her earlier after missing her call because I was still at dinner, and she mentioned getting a job offer at the local hospital. It isn’t in the peds clinic like she used to work, but she seemed excited. It’s more money and benefits, and from what Grandma told me a while ago there’s even a man who she talks about who works as a physician on the same floor.
“Mama is doing great,” I answer, feeling the tension ease slightly from my body.
Getting a new job is huge for her, but if she starts dating then I’ll feel even better. I saw her invest all her free time in Logan, and shortly thereafter, me. There was nothing left to give anyone else. I suspected she had been seeing someone before Lo got worse. Her mood changed, and I don’t think it was just because of her sick daughter. She stopped doing her hair and makeup like she wasn’t trying to impress anyone anymore.
Grandma says she wears lipstick again.
It makes me smile.
“I want to make people’s lives as less complicated as possible. I already accept that mine can’t be so easy, which is why it has to be different for everyone else.”
“That’s ridiculous,” he scoffs. “Em, your pain is always going to be ours. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing.”
Confused, I give him a doubtful stare. “I don’t see how it can be a good thing.”
“It makes it real.”
“What?”
He pauses. “Love. Life.”
I blink.
“I told you before I loved you.”
I remember.
“You don’t have to go shopping tomorrow,” he says, going to the laptop and clicking out of the movie.
“I told Cam I would.”
“She’ll understand.”
Sighing, I watch him surf the selections before choosing a Disney movie. “What are you doing? I thought you hated Disney.”
“I do,” he grumbles. “But that doesn’t mean you do. Plus, these are better to watch when you’re not feeling well.”
I told him a long time ago that I used to put on Pocahontas when I was sick. Seeing it on the screen makes my eyes water worse than before as Kaiden opens his arms for me to curl up in his side.
Using his chest as a pillow, I refuse to acknowledge the pain from the hip I’m resting on. It shoots up my body and causes a tear to slip down my cheek, but all I can do is hold Kaiden tighter as the movie plays.
Right before I fall asleep, I whisper, “I love you, Kaiden.”
He brushes my hair back and kisses the crown of my head. “You’re feeling warm, Mouse. Try getting some sleep.”
I wake up feeling my stomach churn so violently that I vomit all over the blankets. The abrupt illness and sour taste of dinner, mouth wash, and stomach acid has me too distracted to be embarrassed. Kaiden swears and nearly falls when his foot gets caught as he tries getting out of bed.
Groaning and clutching my stomach with one hand and my back with the other, I feel a second wave of nausea coming on strong. Tears stream down my face as I lurch over the bed, this time into the waste bucket Kaiden puts in front of me just in time.
“Jesus, Em,” he murmurs, staring wide-eyed at me. He cradles my head, but his touch doesn’t ease me.
I empty my stomach and cry. If Kaiden wasn’t holding the bucket, I would have dropped it. My arms feel like lead at my sides.
“S-Something’s w-wro…” I whimper when I’m finally able to breathe. All I want is water to rinse my mouth, but my body is completely drained of everything.