When the waitress comes back, I order the salmon dinner with mashed potatoes and green beans, all while smiling at Kaiden. He gets chicken parmesan with the same sides, but I know he won’t eat the green beans because he always leaves them when Cam makes them for supper. He knows I’ll eat them.
After it’s just us, I toy with the wrapped silverware. “I think it’s sweet that you did research. Not a lot of people put in that kind of effort because they choose to believe what they want to instead of getting the facts right.”
He doesn’t fight me on the compliment, which surprises me. “What do you mean?”
I settle into my chair, letting go of a hefty sigh just thinking about the ridiculous stereotypes I’ve heard over the years. “When you have a disease that nobody can see and they find out, most of the t
ime they won’t even believe you. On the off chance they take your word for it, they say the stupidest things like I can be cured if I sleep more or eat healthier.”
Grinding my teeth, I think about a conversation I had once at my old school. My old Phys Ed teacher was trying to get me to participate in the unit, but I’d had a note letting me sit out on my bad flare days. It wasn’t something I did often, just when standing too long put too much strain on my knees and hips. She told me if I cut out junk food and exercised more, I’d be fine.
Diet is always important to stay healthy, but healthy isn’t a universal concept. Eating a carrot won’t make the swelling go down and running the mile certainly won’t help me walk better the next day.
I rest my hands on my lap. “People have preconceived notions about illness. Like when they assume you can’t get sick unless you’re overweight or old or something. Do you know how many times people tell me I can’t possibly be this sick because I’m young? Or how many times I’ve been accused of having an eating disorder because I’m too thin?
“It’s already tiring to live the way I do because my body is attacking itself but having everyone else attack me becomes too much. I have to deal with everyone making their own conclusions about me when they hear I have an autoimmune disease. Like being told to not get stressed like I’ll be cured for life then. And don’t get me started on those who think I’m making it up. People rely too much on what they can see because everyone says that seeing is believing. It’s never been that way though. It’s always the other way around.”
I lick my dry lips and reach for my water, taking my time to absorb the silence.
“How do you deal with it?” he asks once I set my glass down.
“Honestly?” I shrug. “I don’t.”
His brow quirks.
I elaborate. “Some days it’s easier than others to just let what people say bounce off me, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me at all. I’m just good at pretending it doesn’t.”
There’s a tick to his jaw. “You shouldn’t have to do that at all.”
“What should I do then, Kaiden?” I ask, genuinely curious. “We’re human. We say mean, hurtful things. We’re naïve. We’re cruel. When you’re in my shoes, something I hope you never are, you see life differently. You stop taking every day for granted because you have absolutely no clue if you’ll wake up the next morning. That may sound harsh, but it’s true.”
“Don’t say that,” he all but growls under his breath.
I raise my hands up in surrender. “You want the truth? It’s not pretty, is it? I watched Lo slip away, but there’s a big difference between witnessing and experiencing something. She never showed her pain or fear if she could help it. Instead, she acted like it couldn’t get to her until…”
“It did,” he finishes.
I nod silently.
“Are you afraid?”
Every single second, minute, and hour.
I whisper, “Wouldn’t you be?”
He could pretend he’s strong, act like nothing can touch him, but I see through him. He hurts. His father’s death still affects him. The possibility of losing his mother, even me, terrifies him. Any of us could pretend like we’re invincible and put up a front in the public eye, but behind our masks are tear-stricken faces.
Instead of answering, he rests his arms on the table and studies the room. “There have been a few deaths at Exeter. One of them was from cancer. Remember what Rachel told you on the first day? There was a girl who had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. She’d been battling it for most of her life, but it kept coming back. It got worse her sophomore year and she ended up passing away around homecoming. There was a huge ceremony and dedication to her.”
I frown. “That’s so sad.”
He nods once. “Riley…” His voice gets raspy, so he clears it. “Riley was an old friend of mine. She was real, but she had a lot of problems nobody could help her with. Not even me. Shit, if I had known what she planned…” He stops, taking a deep breath. “People gave her shit when they found out about her disorder. No. They always messed with her. She used to be overweight, so the bullying started then. I always heard her talk about how much she wanted to lose weight so they’d leave her alone, and when she started to, she seemed happier. I didn’t know that she was starving herself to do it. Not until I realized she’d skip lunch or not snack after school like she used to. When I brought it up, she’d eat like it was no big deal.
“And then the rumors started about her throwing up at school. She’d been caught a few times by some girls who told everyone. At that point, she’d lost so much weight she looked like a walking corpse. She would eat and then disappear, but I never believed she was purging…”
His nostrils flare. “I should have done something about it, but nobody listened to me back then like they do now. I would tell people to stop screwing with her, but few people listened. Then some teachers heard the rumors and contacted her parents, and it spiraled. She couldn’t take the negative attention anymore.”
I hold my breath when I hear the sadness weighing down his words. “Kaiden?”